Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
To be clear, many have suggested getting help from family, we do not have any here or elsewhere physically able to help. Both of my siblings are not well and require care of their own . As for making my mother pay for care, she moved in with us because she couldn't afford living alone. Any care she would pay for would be few and far between. She doesn't qualify for Medicaid because she doesn't have any medical bills and they have not diagnosed her with anything requiring assistance. All the suggestions sound great but most are a pipe dream. A vacation would be great but you have to be able to afford that too. I would never go behind her back and use her money for anything she doesn't agree to either. She doesn't even like me to reimburse myself for her phone bill without her signature on the check after I write it. She doesn't trust anyone.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Tothill May 2021
Are we to understand that not only does your mother live in your home, she is not contributing to the household except for grudgingly paying her own phone bill?

Even if she has the tiniest of pensions, she needs to be covering her share of the household costs. There are various ways of computing the amount. You can use 30% of her income, this is often used by low income housing to determine rent. You can take your total housing costs, rent/mortgage interest/property taxes/insurance/heat and divide it by the total number of people living in the house, Do the same with the grocery bill and utilities she consumes.

Have her POA documents been prepared?

It is time for you to have a come to Jesus moment with Mum. No more free ride. No more dictating how you spend your time.

You say you will not spend Mum's money on anything she does not agree to, which is valid. But you cannot allow Mum to use not wanting to pay for care to be a club held over your head.

You need to set firm boundaries. Mum, unless you start contributing the household and covering the costs of hired care givers, you will be looking for another place to live. I am not a slave. I have the right to live my life as I see fit.
(4)
Report
Here's my suggestion:

Your mom has been living with you for 2 1/2 years and you are her sole caregiver.
The fact that you took this on willingly is commendable and you have my deepest admiration for doing so.
I say all the time that caregiving can only be successful when it's done on the caregiver's terms. Not the care recipient's.
It sure sounds to me like your mother is the one setting the terms of the caregiving in your house. When this happens it will lead to resentment, caregiver burnout, and many times risk of elder abuse. No one wants that, but it happens and often. So mom dictating when and where you can go and for how long, stops today.
Mom needs a little tough love from you now. I know how hard it will be for you, but it's for her own good as well as yours. You can put an end to her refusal of allowing anyone but you to take care of her 7 days a week.
This is how. Plan a vacation and arrange suitable care for her. This can be family members taking it in turns to stay at your house with her. Or a paid caregiver willing to take a short term live-in assignment. Or even a respite stay in a nursing home or LTC for the time you'll be away.
Speak to your family first about them helping out to cover the care for her while you and your husband go on a vacation.
Then a few days before you leave tell your mother about it. Where you're going and for how long. Make it clear to her who will be taking care of her and where if you're planning to have her stay somewhere other than your house.
Let her ask questions if she has any, and answer them within reason. Let her fuss about it or complain as much as she wants. Ignore it. No one ever died from fussiness or not getting their own way.
Then let that be the end of it.
No more discussion about it. After you've explained to her and she's asked her questions, the discussing of it is finished.
Then go on your vacation. It will be fine. Your mother will be fine.
Bon Voyage and have a good time! You deserve it.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

You reply to her, yes, Mum I am pushing your care off onto another person. I have plans and I am not available.

And Guess What? You are paying for the care provider.

Time for some firm boundaries. Mum I will be away from the house and a carer will be hired and paid for with your funds. I do not owe you any explanation as to where I am going or what I am doing. I will no longer be at your beck and call 24/7.

There is no need to feel guilty.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
BurntCaregiver May 2021
Right on Tothill.

Sometimes our elderly loved ones need a little bit of tough love and a practical lesson about respecting boundaries.
No one ever died because they had a tantrum over not getting their own way.
(8)
Report
Your mom is in need of a "needs assessment" by the local Area Agency on Aging.

She needs a workup by a good Geriatric Psychiatrist (it sounds to me like there is anxiety and long standing mental illness or depre5ssion at play).

Age senility? Who told you that?

This is dementia.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Mom is 92 and not true dementia, more age senility. Her behavior is not any different from when she was younger, sadly. We do not live near any other family and I am the only one healthy enough to help her. We moved her in with us after my father died because she couldn't afford to live alone. My oldest daughter needs to work trying to get on her own feet so she can't take time off to care for her. My younger daughter has anxiety and depression and not mature enough to handle caring for her grandmother. My oldest does help when she can but we are not able to go anywhere for very long as a family. My mother is very depressed and new to the area so there isn't anyone else she knows here. I tried taking her to a senior center but she had me pick her back up right away. She had a panic attack because they wouldn't lead her by tge hand. She was told she had to get around herself but she got scared and wouldn't do it. She won't go back. When I suggested we get someone to help she tried to say she doesn't need help and tried doing things herself again. She has liked being cared for by my dad for many years so what she can do and what she just doesn't want to do are hard to determine sometimes. We have an apartment inside our house for her so she has some independence.
Thanks for all the suggestions. Considering an appointment with her doctor so they can determine her real needs.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
daddysfavorite May 2021
My mom is 92 also ( will be 93 in August) .

Have you considered putting cameras in various places in her apartment so you can monitor her without actually being there? I have a baby monitor pointed at the head of Mom's bed and take it to my office in the morning so I can see when she starts getting restless and wants to get up, and I take it to the bedroom at night so I can hear if she calls. There is a wifi monitor in the living room area of her space (all 1 room, but separated into living and bed area by furniture). My brother and his wife have access to that camera and can monitor her when they want. It has been helpful for us. If you had a monitor maybe you could see how independent she really can be.

I understand about the senior center failure. Mom refused to go, even though (or maybe because ) she knew an older lady (probably close to 10 years older) who rode the center's bus to and from several times a week. We live in a rural area and it would have been great if she would have gone.

Does your mother do any crafts? Mom used to crochet until she couldn't keep the afghans wide enough (they were triangular) and then she colored for a while but stopped for reasons unknown to us.

I hope you area able to find someone who can watch your mom occasionally so you have some family time together.
(2)
Report
Could your 26-year-old daughter who still lives at home and your 13-year-old home-schooled son occupy your mother so you and your husband can get away for a few hours?

If you mean your whole family needs to get away for a few hours, do you have a sibling who can come visit, or a neighbor, or someone from church who can come visit.

My mother has been living with us since June 2018 and for over the last year we have not been comfortable leaving her by herself because she is a fall risk. When I had cataract surgery, I had a friend ( who also helps with cleaning) come clean and keep an eye on Mom. When my husband had a heart attack and was admitted to a hospital 1-1/2 hours away, the same friend came over and sat with mom until my brother (who lives 6-1/2 hours away) could get here.

Mom is now in hospice and we used to have a hospice volunteer who came by every few weeks and we could go out to eat while she was here, but those visits have been suspended for the foreseeable future.

I don't know if your mother is trying to manipulate you or if she's afraid of being left in someone else's care because they can't take care of her like you can, but for your, your family's and especially your mother's sake, try to find a backup, like when my hubby had a heart attack.

Please take care of yourself in addition to those you love.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I feel your pain! I lived your life for the 15 years that mom lived with me. She was dependent on me because I was the one closest to her.

By the time that I found this forum, I was so fragile, that I felt as if I would break into a million little pieces if I were criticized in any way, shape or form. I was in need of all the comfort I could get. I don’t think I could have even handled helpful, constructive criticism. Criticism was the very last thing I needed at that particular point in my life. No one knows how it feels unless they have walked in our shoes. I had no clue how hard full time caregiving was until I did it myself. You may not feel the impact as deeply as I did because my caregiving years lasted so long.

I was completely exhausted, felt a bazillion other emotions too and was burning out!

We become fragile, lost, develop anxiety and depression as caregivers. Some people are compassionate towards us and throw us a lifeline to hold onto until we are able to get our bearings. Others kick us when we are down, and not understanding at all of what we are going through. It’s a mixed bag of emotions, for sure.

Seeking the help of an objective professional was the most useful thing that I did for myself. My therapist was amazing and he helped me to help myself. Many people on this forum helped me as well. Some of them had been in my shoes and they truly understood. Don’t discount others being able to help because they have never been ‘hands on’ caregivers. Some of these people helped me the most because I was able to see the other side.

Sooner or later, you will find those people that you personally connect with. Take advantage of those connections and learn from their experiences. Later on, you will be able to help others in the same situation.

You need time for yourself. This isn’t a luxury. It’s a necessity. If not, you will crash and burn. You are equally as important as the one that you are caring for. In order for you to be your best, you have to care for yourself too.

In person caregiver groups are amazing. I participated in one that was led by a social worker. I learned a lot and received helpful information.

In the end, it’s about balance, peace and joy in our lives. We all need this in our lives. Do whatever you need to do to achieve it. Some people continue to be caregivers at home with help. Others choose facility care. There is no ‘right or wrong’ way as long as you find a healthy balance in your life.

Wishing you peace during these challenging times.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

I am with everyone else. Can use COVID as an excuse for 1.5 of those years. Maybe a year for an adjustment? But now with the Country opening up...you need to set boundries and stick to them. Did she not hire babysitters for you? Then you do the same for her. You set up people to be with her so you can be with your family. Your daughter needs you. You will blink your eyes and she is an adult.

If Mom has money, I would suggest an AL. There will be so much more she can do there. My Mom coukdn't participate in Bingo but she enjoyed sitting and watching people. She loved when they had entertainment. I agree, use her money. If she is considered low income then check out Medicaid for in home.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I think that you are a grown woman and need to tell her that she needs to accept that you are not doing this alone. If she can't or won't deal with anyone else in your home helping her, then it is time for her to go to a facility.

When she starts with the guilt trip about pushing her off on someone else, yep! That is exactly what I am doing because my family and myself need time with one another. Sorry you don't like it but, I can promise you that you will not like the alternative if you don't stop with the self centered attitude. Everyone in the house matters, all of their needs matter and she can come to terms with that or relocate.

Sounds harsh, yep, but for crying out loud, she has manipulated the situation and you are losing time with your children that you will never have again, the 13 year old trumps her every single time.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
BurntCaregiver May 2021
Isthisrealyreal.

The nursing home threat is a very effective tool for family who are caregivers to fussy elders who demand being catered to by one person.
(2)
Report
"Yes, Mom. I need someone else to take care of you when I need to be with my family because you need more help that I alone can give".

Does your mom have dementia or is she "just" selfish?
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Wow! You have let your mom control what you can and can't do, and she's living in YOUR house. Now what is wrong with that picture? It's time to put your foot down, and let her know that as of today, things will be changing. And if she doesn't like it, guess what? She can go to the appropriate facility, and you can really get your life back. You've given up enough of your life, time you'll never get back. It's time to make some big changes!!! Hoping and praying that you'll once and for all put you, your husband and children first.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Your mother is not your boss and does not get to dictate terms to you. You are letting her live with you and taking care of her. That's A LOT!! You deserve and need to have time with your husband and children.

I assume that it is not safe for her to be alone so whether she likes it or not, a caregiver needs to be introduced into your household. Maybe you need to hire, with her money, someone for a few hours a day a couple times a week to come to the house for your mom to get used to them. Then you can start slipping away during those hours, even if you just go take a walk or do errands. The person can be there to do the dishes and the laundry. And chat with your mom and help her with some basic things and get her a meal. Or whatever you and the caregiver agree upon.

Your mom may not like it, but this really is not about her. It's not all about her, sorry to say. You and the rest of your family matter to and must be given the time and attention they deserve.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
againx100 May 2021
Don't bother telling your mom or asking her permission. Just do it!
(11)
Report
It's not acceptable that your mother gets to dictate how YOU live YOUR life inside of your own home while she's a guest there! She either accepts caregivers coming in to care for her X amount of days per week while you go out and tend to YOUR life events or she can go live in Assisted Living full time instead. "Guilt" should play no part in your decision to hire paid caregivers *on your mother's dime* either because indentured servitude was not part of the bargain you made when you invited her to come live with you 2.5 years ago.

I take it there is some dementia at play here and why she's acting this way? Whether that is a factor or not doesn't really matter either. What does matter is that you strike a happy medium between living your own life and caring for your mother. Otherwise, resentment kicks in and everybody loses. Your husband gets angry, you feel pulled at every end, and nobody is happy in the long run. I suggest you set up a regular schedule of caregivers coming into your home so that you have some free time every week beginning now. Get mother used to the new rules immediately. That will give you a chance to go out and have lunch, get your hair done, shop, etc. Plus it will get your mother accustomed to a new person in her life that she will likely become friends with.

Wishing you the best of luck setting down some new rules in your own home so you can take day trips and have some fun!
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter