My mother in law lived with my husband and I for 2 years. That was 2 years ago. I wasn’t able to handle all the unforeseen changes that came into my life with living with her. I’m 47 my husband is 62 and my MIL will soon be 86. He is the only living child now.
She lives alone in a condo 45 minutes from us. Looking back we had her live with us way too soon thinking it was best for her and easier for my husband who still works full time to have her with us.
She doesn’t drive and is hard of hearing. Otherwise she’s in fair to good health and has her mind still. She spends almost all of her time completely alone. She now says she wished she was living with us. Initially she hated it and constantly said she wanted to return to her condo until we actually had her move back into it.
She’s manipulative and demanding and it nearly broke up our marriage. My husband is not in great health and it’s only getting worse. It is very hard on him to work full time all week then care for her on weekends with grocery shopping and picking up scripts etc.. yet he feels extremely guilty that he doesn’t spend more time with her. He had a great many issues with her while living with us as well.
We’re both nurses and he is adamantly against her ever going to any kind of a facility. The thought of it brings him to tears. The thought of her having to live with me again brings me to tears.
I don’t know that my marriage will survive it again. I have a lot of resentment towards her for many reasons. Mostly that she is so selfish and demanding.
I don’t want to have her living alone if she is she is unsafe either. I also feel guilty for my husband having to care for her over a distance but he completely agreed that it was best for us all.
When is it no longer ok for her to live alone? She refuses to go to groups for elderly people or ride a bus. We didn’t entertain her when she lived with us either. That was another issue, her constant need for interaction when we are simply too tired after working all day and want time to ourselves when we’re not working which is not often.
He will probably retire when she moves back in and I’ll be the only one still working due to my age and our finances. Physically he won’t be able to care for her once she needs physical assistance of which he’s in denial about.
She’s had 3 hospitalizations in 5 years with altered mental status and she’s insulin dependent diabetic with hypertension.
This weighs on me constantly. I feel responsible but so angry. I’m accepting of my feelings about my situation but I’m not so horrible a human that I don’t still care how this is effecting the two of them.
How would we change the dynamic of the living situation to make it better for each of us? I need house rules and boundaries but the mention of anything like this upsets her greatly. She’s a nice Christian lady who tells you about how she looks at the world constantly. It drives me nuts!
Sorry for ramble but it’s a complex problem.
Any advice or insights are welcome!
Whereas what you have in mind is a different thing altogether. You have in mind a community that will provide your MIL with the care, daily support and social interaction that she has already shown she needs.
So, the thing to do first is to find your facility, then get your husband to visit it and talk to the people who live in it. If you can get rid of his fears, you might change his point of view.
I feel for your husband. His Mom has probably been able to guilt trip him since he was a child. Maybe approaching the problem that he can retire and care for her, in all ways. You will continue to work. You are willing to cook, clean do laundry (whatever you agree to) but you need your time when all is said and done. You also need him. So, you have a date once or twice a week hiring someone to sit with Mom. If she asks why she can't go, tell her you need time alone. Set boundries. Its ur home. If it were hers you would have to do things her way.
I would keep her in her condo as long as you can. Be watchful. Maybe start talking ALs. She will have a studio apt of her own. 3 meals a day and snacks. Activities and outings. New friends. Maybe talk about someone that has entered one.
If she has to move in, make sure you and husband are on the same page. You have been thru this before so no illusions.
My real question is when is she no longer safe to live alone? What are the signs that you see that make it clear that must have additional help over what we are providing now?
Should she have to live with us again I know I will not have the patience to continue being so kind as I had maintained. Her daughter used to raise her voice and get angry with her all the time. Towards the end of her living with us my DH did the same thing. I never have. I’ve really wanted to but it’s not in my character and it’s made me bitter and resentful. She probably senses how I feel but I’ve never verbalized anything unkind in any way to her.
I hate the person I’ve become when it comes to her. So much so that I literally stopped reading my bible because of my extremely negative feelings about her.
I 100% agree that an IL or Al is the way to go here but he won’t entertain the idea.
He knows exactly how I feel and he did move her back out despite her wishes.
If anyone says the least little thing to her she goes off crying. It infuriates me yet it’s extremely effective in guilting you simultaneously.
I don’t do guilt well! She wants you to feel sorry for her and constantly do for her. You can never do enough for her anyway. She is sickeningly sweet and pitiful acting at the same time.
I rarely visit since she’s moved because this is my break from her until once again she’s in my face everyday.
I really cherish my alone time which she constantly interrupts, despite gently saying things like , I cherish my alone time! Lol
We have looked for a two home attached dwelling but those are difficult to find with our budgets. She doesn’t own much and her income is very low. She literally cannot afford to pay her part and we can’t afford the additional amount to cover her either. I’m not willing to live in an impoverished crime ridden neighborhood to accommodate her needs. Those are the only places we’ve found that we can afford a home like that in that’s large enough to accommodate the 3 of us.
It’s a really bad situation to be in but I read here so many have it worse.
Thank you all for your time and kind words!! Much appreciated!!
I would let her be upset. Here are the boundaries, get used to it MIL because they will be enforced if you don't want to go to a facility.
If she won't talk about it and agree, she will be hell on wheels because she won that very 1st go around. Your marriage will probably not survive if she won't work with you both on how it has to be.
I wouldn't cave on this. Your husband needs to get over his guilt and quite frankly man up. He is a husband 1st and a son 2nd, to expect you to be tormented in your own home is asking to much.