How do you push the issue of assisted living?

Hire a care giver (home heath aid). I would search on my own rather than using and agency. Have your parents pay for her/him and have your parents pay monthly rent. They get to stay, you were the help and money you need.

It's so nice you were able to have your parents move in with you! I'm sure they have enjoyed being closer to their grandkids as well. Our home is also not good for someone who needs one floor living and would need a major remodel or for us to move. My husband says he will not move, and my mom didn't want to live in our rural woodsy area. My work schedule would have had her being alone at least 9 hours a day, and she wanted me to be available to keep her company all the time. She was already lonely living in a town she loved that had many things to offer and now requires skilled care.

Financially, you said your parents have lived with you for 4 years and ONLY PAID for modifications that THEY required in a home YOU paid for. You are also paying for THEIR food and utilities I believe you wrote. If they were in assisted living already at an average $4,500 a month per person, that would be $108,000 per year for 2 people. With those figures the modifications they paid for have long since been "paid back" by your caring for them over the past 4 years. The ramps they needed as a modification are not going a selling point to the home later on.

If your parents are getting even $1000 SSI per month, and not helping with their own living expenses, they also could have saved an additional $96,000 already over the past 4 years. Did the modifications even cost that much?

Your mom needs assessment to evaluate why she keeps falling (to keep her safe), and also for why she's becoming "unpleasant" because there could be a developing depression and/or dementia. Your dad has Parkinsons which is progressive and will likely need more help going forward also.

A social worker, or your area agency on aging may be able to help with getting your parents to move to a place that is more suitable for their now changing needs. Even if they don't like the sound of it, it sounds like they need this to keep them safe. It's difficult to find a good facility that will also accept Medicaid for when their assets run out. We've found the best one's can have a waiting list of a year or more for places close enough to where we live.

Good luck with everything!

I see posts where people propose you sell the house and pay your parents back, but it looks like they missed that you said YOU and your husband PAID for the home (not your parents), and they ONLY paid for the modifications needed for them. You also have paid for all their food and utilities for 4 years, so it doesn't seem there is any obligation to pay back anything.

Consider that if your parents are getting even $1000 SSI each per month each for the past 4 years, they could easily have saved an additional $96,000. This may already be more than enough to recoup the modification money your mom is so angry about. You didn't say how much they gave for modifications to the home, so this is only an estimate.

If they wanted to stay in their own home and pay a caregiver to help them for only 8 hours a day at $21 per hour 7 days a week that would be $61,300 per year. This amount doesn't include their own food or utilities for which they would be paying also. Now that they need to have someone around all the time due to safety reasons, it would be even more expensive.

Either a paid caregiver while you are out working or finding a good facility that will accept Medicaid when their money runs out appear to be the only options that would work long term. Waiting lists can be a year or longer we've found. Your area agency on aging, a social worker, or elder care attorney will be the best sources for help making future decisions.

Most of our parents have NO CLUE what their care cost. You can't undo the first mistake you made and that was moving them in to begin with. Now you just have to be firm and tell them they require more care than you can give and they have to move to a facility. You are not going to be able to convince them of anything, you're going to have to "tell" them. When they bring up the money they gave you for the modification of your home, tell them you are giving it back. I have no idea how much they gave you, but let's say it was $20,000. Tell them you will pay a portion of their monthly care until the $20,000 is paid back.

Try and find a place that has transitional care....maybe they can start in assisted living, but make sure there is skilled nursing care available so that the next move is as easy as possible. Many times one spouse requires more care than the other and it's helpful if both facilities are on the same grounds or connected so that they can see each other daily.

Can you discuss with your parents a Plan B, if they get to the point where they need a higher level of skilled care? The basic options are getting in-home care to be with them while you are away, or assisted living/memory care/skilled nursing. In-home care may be a help while you are investigating assisted living. Get connected with a local social worker who can advise you on their options. They may be eligible for in-home care through Medicare/Medicaid. Look for assisted living near you so that you can visit often, take them out if they are able, and oversee their care. If they are eligible to go on Medicaid, it will pay for assisted living/skilled nursing. You will probably have to help by doing the initial legwork to find a place and to help them work out the finances. If you can, find a couple of places you think they might like and take them there to see it and help choose. Continuing care places have facilities for people in independent living, assisted living, memory care and skilled nursing all on the same campus. With some of them, if one spouse is still able to live independently they can, while the other is in assisted living. But they are close and can easily visit. The advantage of a senior facility is that they have skilled, professional staff, managed by experts in senior care, there will be people around them their own age, the facility arranges activities, excursions and transportation to doctors, shopping, etc. All the best to all of you!