I had an important birthday this weekend and my sister sent me a lovely gift that surprised me and I called her, and we were able to just chat — about our lives, our kids, etc— for the first time in over a year.
It made me realize how much caring for our Dad has transformed what was once a fun, close relationship. Dad is great at pitting us against each other — I'm the primary caregiver, my sister is in denial about his needs, he doesn't like my choices and complains to her and then she thinks I'm being horrible, etc etc. Most of my calls from her are "Dad called me and said you were being mean to him/restricting him/he's unhappy," but since she lives in another state, she can't (and won't) do more than parrot his complaints.
It's affected not just our relationship but our family's as well — she used to be very close to my teenage daughter (she only has sons) but that has been lost in all of this.
But Dad won't live forever, and at some point, we have to navigate having a sibling relationship that isn't about him. I admit I'm bitter about all I do (and the complaints with no help! As I'm sure you guys know about). But I'd still like to have a relationship with my sister, now, and in the future. How do you manage that when you are the caregiver who is doing everything (but the parent is convinced you are awful and wants to convince everyone else)?
My mom used to try to pit my sister and me against each other. When we had a conversation about it, we agreed that we'd discount anything negative she says (usually about me, the caregiver/chaperone) and talk only to each other when information was needed. It worked like a charm, and we've been incredibly close for many years…simply because we cut out the middle man.
Good luck!
You may want to consider putting Dad in Memory care if he can afford it. Or a nice Long-term care facility on Medicaid if he can't. His care is going to be more and more as his Dementia progresses. The sooner you place him, the sooner he adjusts.
When I placed mom in an ALF, I called and told him he needed to fund what Medicaid would not pay. He agreed but never had to help since she died before it was needed,
I will not go into his excuses. They were weak at best. The last visit he made I was able to speak openly about my resentment. Not surprising, he actually believed he was helping (sending chocolates every couple of months).
However, once my mom died, we did come to some type of equilibrium. He acknowledged my sacrifice. He admitted he did nothing. That has helped me get past the resentment. We actually have a fragile new relationship that I hope will heal over time.
I still feel cheated but, now that mom is gone, he is the last connection to my family. I want to make it work. It will take time and will mostly likely be different than it could have been.
When you are a caregiver your entire life is surrounded by that duty. Once that caregiving time has ended, at least for me, I wanted “normal” and normal meant creating that sibling connection again.
Perhaps you are stronger than I, but it was difficult for me to forgive and forget when I was in the middle of the caregiving duties.
Although I didn't live with my mother, she demanded more and more of my time (even though I set strict limits). She tried to get me to do Internet research for her obsessions. I refused. She got one of my brothers to do it. When I suggested that another brother do something she was demanding of me, she flew off the handle, telling me that MY time wasn't valuable like my brother's was.
After she was hospitalized for a gallbladder infection, then went to rehab, then to LTC, I requested compensation for all the hours. The main POA brother was the one who came down most often, and he understood what I was going through. He agreed, and also offered to compensate me for the past caregiving. The other two brothers didn't put up a fuss (although the one who was least involved wanted me to wait until the trust settlement after my mother died -- I said no. I knew the trust stated that any beneficiary who tried to get more than their 1/4 split would get nothing). When I brought up compensation to my mother earlier, she hissed at me, "You don't pay FAMILY!"
So I got paid $20/hour. The pay went a long way towards easing my resentment, as I could consider the hours spent as a job. It was all gifted to me, and because my mother would never become Medicaid-eligible, I had to pay no taxes on it.
This obviously wouldn't work for everyone. I was one daughter who refused to put up with the unequal distribution of caregiving that so many daughters allow to happen.
BTW, I set up from the beginning of the more intense caregiving (basically when my mother gave up driving at age 90 and I had to become her driver and thus had to spend a lot more time with her) that I might want compensation at some point. I emailed my brothers once a week, letting them know what I did for our mother, how much time it took, what she was like, etc. So none of them could claim to be surprised at what was going on (particularly the two who rarely came down to see her).
I've been living with my parents to help caretake my mother for 8 months now, it's been unrelenting and brutal.
My brother is 'off the hook' as he's married with 1 kid at home, lives 2 hours away. Calls weekly and visits every 2-3 months for 3 hours.
I'm resentful & bitter that I have no one to lean on.
I also have come to the realization that if someone loves you, they would try to help you, that caring is a verb. I realize how little, if at all, anyone cares, with their hollow inquiries.
Sending love.
Sometimes, parents influence siblings as well. I dealt with this too. It seemed like whenever I tried to tell my side of the story, my siblings couldn’t understand because they hadn’t experienced what I had as a caregiver.
Truth be told, I had no idea what caregiving would be like before I became a caregiver myself.
I finally let go of trying to convince my siblings of anything because holding on seemed to make matters worse, especially for me.
I was the primary caregiver for my mom for many years. I was at my wit’s end. My brother criticized me and felt that he could do a better job, so I told him to go ahead and try. I told mom that she should stay with him because I was worn out!
Oh boy, did he change his tune after mom was under his roof. I am glad that I let him take over so he could see firsthand what it was like to be a full time caregiver.
He apologized to me and realized how difficult it was for me. Our relationship healed before my mom died and now I have a great relationship with all of my siblings.
No one can predict the future. We can hope for the best. Sometimes it works out and sometimes due to certain circumstances it doesn’t ever work out.
We have to find peace in our hearts no matter which way it goes. It will only hurt us if we become bitter or resentful due to the pain that we have experienced.
One more thing, having a wonderful therapist was a Godsend! I learned a lot about myself and others in therapy.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
My experience was like some others here - my sister criticized but didn't help. Although I had been open to a relationship with her up to then, the negativity and lack of support while I was caregiving convinced me that I didn't need her in my life - in fact I didn't want her in my life.
When I looked back I realized that there really never had been a healthy relationship between us. I cut contact with her and have never regretted it - in fact have only more and more realized that was for the best for me. We can't choose our family, but we can choose or friends. When family do not act as friends, we can limit the damage.