She can still drive fairly well, but her confusion and forgetting to eat before she goes is getting dangerous. She is 85 and very angry. Accusing my stepfather of cheating. She is very hard to deal with. Any suggestions?
All I had to think about was the HUGE lawsuit occuring after my father hit a cyclist or child. The lawyer would say, " so you knew your loved one had dementia and you kept letting them drive a 3000 pound killing machine. Case closed that will be 5 million dollars" I know it's a gut wrenching decision but can you afford morally or financially to have a judge find you neglectful? My parents (now 90) have had a huge adjustment but at least no child will be killed by them.
Realize that it has to be done and just know that she's going to be angry. There's no way around this. All the suggestions here to get her doctor to intervene are nice but often the doctor won't intervene and will at most make a suggestion she should stop driving so you and your family will need to be the tough guys on her. You'll need to make some arrangements so that she can get to places she would normally drive - maybe go with friends, or arrange a car service, But to let her keep driving is dangerous and you don't want to live with the consequences should she injure or kill someone or herself.
My grandfather had dementia and his vision was declining. At first my mom was in a bit of denial: “He’s okay to just drive to the store.” Grocery store was a 10 minute drive.
One day he was driving home and came VERY close to hitting a woman who was pushing a stroller. Was broad daylight, familiar territory and a wide street. The woman yelled at him (can’t say I blame her) and he kept telling us “Oh, I wasn’t going to hit them.”
Mom took him to the eye doctor. He was getting macular degeneration. Doctor told him that he didn’t need to be driving anymore. Amazingly, he didn’t. Gave up the keys and sold the car.
The driving isn’t her only joy; it’s the activities/places she drives to that is her joy. If she can keep doing those things, that may help her let go of driving. Let her throw a fit and be angry… it’s better than someone getting killed.
I would report it to her doctor and he will get her license suspended and that way she won't blame you and it is on the doctor. My mother and father gave up their license when we advised them to do so with no problem. My father requested a family meeting and we discussed it. He told us he was backing out of his driveway with his leg out and he almost ran into the garage. We all agreed to take him shopping or whereever he needed to go. My mother was driving around town and did not know where she was so we took her license away and reported it to her doctor and not long after that she got a suspension notice and that was it. Do what you have to do to keep her safe. It is in the best interest of your mother
I am so grateful that I did not have to go through this with either of my parents. Sure, they missed driving and their independence, but they accepted not being able to drive very graciously. I realize that not everyone has it so easy as I did, regarding driving.
Neither of my parents would have wanted to cause anyone else any harm. So, they didn’t object to no longer driving.
Are you really concerned about hurting her feelings? That would be the very last thing on my mind. The first thing on my mind would be her killing someone and herself in a horrible accident. This is a safety issue.
This isn’t about her joy, her independence or ageism! It’s about SAFETY! You wouldn’t be asking this question if you weren’t concerned about it.
Good luck. Do whatever you have to do to stop her from getting on the road. She will adjust.
I think the Golden Rule (do unto others…) definitely applies here. If I were becoming a dangerous driver and were unaware of it due to cognitive issues, I absolutely would want someone to take my keys away before I injured or killed someone.
There will be no "joy" when she ends up killing an innocent person or family, because of her confusion or forgetfulness, will there? Please talk to her Dr. and the DMV, to prevent such a horrible thing to happen. She's going to have to find something else that brings her joy. Best wishes.
Confusion - impacts how on her driving? Is she getting lost on familiar routes, missing turnings, failing to get in the correct lane?
Forgetting to eat - impacts how on her driving? Does she sometimes appear not to be in full control of the vehicle because of light-headedness or loss of concentration?
Accusing your stepfather of cheating - reflects in what way in her driving? Has her attitude or behaviour towards other road users deteriorated?
If the concerns and changes you describe aren't having any effect on her driving, deal with them separately. I'm sure you don't need to go looking for a new battle with her.
It's very hard to gauge when risk outweighs the benefits.
Add in as much safety as possible? Move what you can to deliveries if you can.
I remember a local woman who was told to stop driving by her Doctor (due to vascular dementia, TIAs, increased small bingles). Her son also warned her. He took her car away for repairs (+ extra time) after each small bingle but gave it back as she begged & as she loved driving so much. He also felt it was her right to choose.
She survived driving at speed into her garage door but broke her neck. Said she got the pedals mixed up. Not a complete fracture, but no more driving, walking without significant help or living alone.
Such a loss of independence would be devastating to most.
Discuss with her doctor whether an antidepressant could help her work through this crisis. If her anger has recently dramatically increased, an antidepressant may be very soothing. If the anger has persisted for many years, this helpcould be life-changing.
This is one of the most difficult situations a person faces with an elderly loved one. My mom was losing her eye sight and she new it was time to hang up her keys. My dad was much more difficult. He was loosing his independence. Dad was getting lost while driving and he was a safety risk to himself and others. No one wants to have memories of a car accident that was caused by a loved one due to their inability to drive safely. My mom worked with his doctor to have a letter submitted to the DMV, in turn dad received a letter that his license had be revoked. It puts the burden on the doctor instead of the caregiver who is with them 24/7. I know how tough this is, you will be in my prayers. Debbie
You may want to share your concerns with her doctor. He/She can do an assessment during a "regular visit" and notify the DMV. My friend did this as her mother's dementia had become a problem. The doctor notified the DMV and they sent her a letter requesting she come in for a driving test. She did not pass so her license was recended and she received a state issue ID card instead. That way it is the DMV that took the keys not you and you don't have to have that battle.
I know it's a gut wrenching decision but can you afford morally or financially to have a judge find you neglectful? My parents (now 90) have had a huge adjustment but at least no child will be killed by them.
One day he was driving home and came VERY close to hitting a woman who was pushing a stroller. Was broad daylight, familiar territory and a wide street. The woman yelled at him (can’t say I blame
her) and he kept telling us “Oh, I wasn’t going to hit them.”
Mom took him to the eye doctor. He was getting macular degeneration. Doctor told him that he didn’t need to be driving anymore. Amazingly, he didn’t. Gave up the keys and sold the car.
The driving isn’t her only joy; it’s the activities/places she drives to that is her joy. If she can keep doing those things, that may help her let go of driving. Let her throw a fit and be angry… it’s better than someone getting killed.
My mother and father gave up their license when we advised them to do so with no problem. My father requested a family meeting and we discussed it. He told us he was backing out of his driveway with his leg out and he almost ran into the garage. We all agreed to take him shopping or whereever he needed to go. My mother was driving around town and did not know where she was so we took her license away and reported it to her doctor and not long after that she got a suspension notice and that was it. Do what you have to do to keep her safe. It is in the best interest of your mother
Neither of my parents would have wanted to cause anyone else any harm. So, they didn’t object to no longer driving.
Are you really concerned about hurting her feelings? That would be the very last thing on my mind. The first thing on my mind would be her killing someone and herself in a horrible accident. This is a safety issue.
This isn’t about her joy, her independence or ageism! It’s about SAFETY! You wouldn’t be asking this question if you weren’t concerned about it.
Good luck. Do whatever you have to do to stop her from getting on the road. She will adjust.
Please talk to her Dr. and the DMV, to prevent such a horrible thing to happen. She's going to have to find something else that brings her joy. Best wishes.
Forgetting to eat - impacts how on her driving? Does she sometimes appear not to be in full control of the vehicle because of light-headedness or loss of concentration?
Accusing your stepfather of cheating - reflects in what way in her driving? Has her attitude or behaviour towards other road users deteriorated?
If the concerns and changes you describe aren't having any effect on her driving, deal with them separately. I'm sure you don't need to go looking for a new battle with her.
Add in as much safety as possible? Move what you can to deliveries if you can.
I remember a local woman who was told to stop driving by her Doctor (due to vascular dementia, TIAs, increased small bingles). Her son also warned her. He took her car away for repairs (+ extra time) after each small bingle but gave it back as she begged & as she loved driving so much. He also felt it was her right to choose.
She survived driving at speed into her garage door but broke her neck. Said she got the pedals mixed up. Not a complete fracture, but no more driving, walking without significant help or living alone.
Discuss with her doctor whether an antidepressant could help her work through this crisis. If her anger has recently dramatically increased, an antidepressant may be very soothing. If the anger has persisted for many years, this helpcould be life-changing.
Train her how to use Uber, if possible.
I know how tough this is, you will be in my prayers.
Debbie
You and your stepfather need to stand strong together. Don't cave, don't let her "just drive locally" -- nothing.
Be supportive of him when Mom attacks him, too. It might get her to stop if dementia isn't involved.