The question says it all. When Dr's agree and provide letters that a parent is no longer competent and they have Mild Cognitive Impairment "MCI" and cannot reason that their short term memory failures put them at risk and may not make good decisions and adamantly proclaim they are fine and there is nothing wrong with their memory yet 10 minutes prior tell you they don't remember.
My mom is fine and nothing is wrong except for her short-term memory. She's 94 and requires help to live alone and does not want anyone coming into her home to help. Her reasoning is flawed! She says she wants to go live in an assisted living home which requires a Dr's Form that states she has MCI. Then she says she won't leave her home until she gets an appraiser who will value it at her price which may not be the fair market value price.
I let her know we have an appointment to go look at an Assisted Living home in a week and agrees, and 30 minutes later says no. It's a constant back and forth of yes and no, she will and she won't. I am her Successor Trustee and POA but I am reluctant to take over fearing her anger when I just want her to be happy.
How do you deal with that?
I am the Successor Trustee and POA.
Speed was my friend when mom agreed to move and sell the house. So grateful for mom’s temporary decision!! I knew the window would shut so absolutely hauled arse to make it happen. It sounds cruel but she landed in the best place available for her , they are great people there, and sure enough the window shut and she said she should have stayed in the house. That would have been a gargantuan disaster especially as covid hit shortly after. I bore the brunt of the complaining but for the life of me I couldn’t come up with anything better.
It’s a really sad situation and sometimes there are no good options, it’s a matter of choosing the least bad option at least and if necessary moving fast.
Big hugs to you and your mom, this really is difficult
PS We never discussed the competency thing…she’s mid-severe dementia now
Get over that. Seriously. Do what will protect her. If she is angry? What will happen?
You cannot *make* her or anyone else be happy. That is an emotion they feel based on their own thoughts.
I may sound harsh, sorry. But your Mother has told you to arrange the assisted living. Do it. She trusts you to do right for her. With you at her side though the comong changes, she will feel loved & be OK.
You will be ok too.
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/an-excellent-resource-for-learning-about-alzheimers-disease-dementia-472696.htm?orderby=recent
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (a free download) called The Dementia Experience which summarizes, in plain English, what a dementia sufferer goes through; how they think; how they lose bits of their mind like pieces in a puzzle; and how they often don't believe there's anything at all wrong with them (Anosognosia) as Geaton explained. I think you will glean lots of useful tidbits of info to help you with your mother & the situation you face by reading this booklet. It helped me a lot.
Most people, and even many doctors, don't really understand dementia at all. You can call it 'mild cognitive impairment' or whatever you like, but once it starts wreaking havoc with daily functionality, it's dementia and can lead to all sorts of horrible situations. "Short term memory loss" is THE worst problem to have b/c it's short term memory that allows us to function; allows us to remember what we're doing, like cooking on the stove and remembering the steps to follow to take a shower, for instance: turn shower on, get undressed, test water temp, get in shower, get wet, pick up soap, lather up, etc. It takes 40 steps to take a shower; that requires a lot of short term memory function and precisely WHY people with dementia will NOT SHOWER!
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
If your mother has a Living Trust, with herself as Settlor, you can't exercise any Successor Trustee options until she passes. This also depends on specific language in the Trust, and could vary, but generally a successor doesn't have authority until the Settlor (presumably your mother) dies, or is unable to handle aspects of her life that fall within the parameters of the Trust.
I can understand not wanting to leave her home until she's had an accurate appraisal, but I don't understand the concern about a fair market value. Why would she think an appraiser might not value the home appropriately?
I have the feeling that friction between you and your mother is a contributory factor to her staunch positions, which apparently change. Have you tried backing off and not addressing the contentious issues? Perhaps both of you need a break from them, then they can be discussed with less friction.
CWilie's 3rd paragraph is especially helpful. That's the choice I would make.
This is a great loss to her. Is it not WORTH her anger? Her fear? Her confusion? Her mourning? Allow her that. Discuss it all with her honestly but know that she hasn't the cognitive ability now to either fully understand or to retain it. You will have to take on your duties or give them over to a paid fiduciary or other family member willing. You will have to listen to her argue, rage, mourn, weep. Not everything can be fixed and this cannot be. It can only be dealt with the most decent way, the safest way you can.
When my brother was diagnosed with probably early Lewy's dementia it was after a serious accident. He was glad we spoke honestly about what the future was, and that I could research things to tell him what could come if he lived so long (he didn't). He discussed with me how he saw the world, how he knew "something was wrong" and how frightened he was of the uncertain future. He put me in charge of his finances with POA and Trustee of Trust (which greatly relieved his mind). He (with help of me and dedicated real estate person) sold his last little home and moved to assisted living. It was all dreadfully hard, dreadfully sad, and we were able to talk honestly.
Not everything can be fixed. We can only do as well as we can do with the inevitability of the losses. Don't waste time "wanting her to be happy" because quite honestly, for most of us elders, "happy" is something we pretend to relieve your mind, and we don't always have the strength anymore to do that. Be honest. Be open. Allow the pain in so it doesn't keep coming to pound on your door. Tell her you feel as outraged, as confused, as helpless and hopeless as she does sometimes. For my brother and I we were life long Hansel and Gretel in the dark woods of life. We stayed that....luckily.....until his death. It was hard and there's no way on earth to make this easy. Gather in all the support you can; get professional support if you need it. Please don't waste time looking for happy. And treasure those few moments of contentment you can eek out for a while.
My heart goes out to you completely. I know where you are. I have wept on the phone to my doctor begging for 10 valium for the year so I could get through nights when the monsters thrashed under my bed. I know how sad and horrific this all feels. I hope you will update us as you go along.
I'm also confused by your statement that "She says she wants to go live in an assisted living home which requires a Dr's Form that states she has MCI". Assisted living facilities are designed for competent people who require some level of help and fees are usually based on a sliding scale which increase in tandem with increasing needs. Only memory care (a special level of assisted living for those with dementia) would need a demonstrable level of incompetence.
I think you are getting bogged down in the details, just begin the process of touring and vetting local facilities to try to find a good fit and deal with the roadblocks as they arise. I'm not sure about these pandemic times but in the past many facilities offered short stay options so prospective clients could try them out figuring that once someone is in the door a permanent move becomes easier - that might be a good option to get the ball rolling.
MCI does make a person incompetent. Not 100% so, but it does. The poster's mother like many elders with dementia is not processing reality. She wants what her mind believes is the fair-market price for her house.
The stubbornness is also an indicator of dementia in an elder as well. The agreeing to move then half an hour later refusing going back and forth about it is also a sign of dementia.
I've worked for many seniors with dementia who proclaimed nine ways to Sunday that they were fine. They seemed fine in many ways. Could still hold coherent conversations, still did their ADL's just fine, didn't have mobility issues. To a casual observer, these seniors were just fine. Some even thought there was no reason for homecare services because they are coping perfectly well.
Until the senior doing perfectly well calls 911 because they don't recognize me who comes to their house every day. They're coping just fine until you come in and find someone eating out of the garbage can while a pan burns on the stove.
MCI does not mean still totally competent.
Mom is NOT fine and has "nothing wrong with her"... If your mom is no longer responding to reason and logic like she used to, she probably also has mild dementia. You will wear yourself out trying to work through those channels as she is no longer able AND she can't remember it, anyway. Your new strategy will be to do things in a more nuanced and "therapeutic" way.
For instance, I brought my laptop over to my mom and showed her how fast and "cool" it is to be able to see all your banking in real time, whenever I want. I offered to set up online banking for her, too. Oh, and I have all my bills paid automatically so I never have to worry about my credit card payment getting to them on time...etc.
The new goal for your mom is no longer "happiness" but "calm". With cognitive decline she will be less and less able to bring her own self into a calm state because of memory loss and inability to work through reason and logic. Without those tools, she can't make it happen. You will need to help her get there (and you won't always be able to succeed). Telling her "therapeutic fibs" are moral and ethical because they are for her own good and protection. Example: "The car is in the shop because it has a very expensive engine repair and I'm getting estimates to see if it's worth fixing" (but the car is secretly in your garage...this is one way to transition a parent away from driving), etc.
You can tell your mom that if you cancel the appointment with the AL they will charge you a fee. You can go online and have her mail go to your home so you can pay her bills for her (you will need to take your PoA paperwork to her bank so you can become joint on her accounts). You will figure it out and get lots of helpful suggestions on this forum. Wishing you much peace on this journey with your mom! And bless you for being there for her...
Sooner or later though, you'll need to take over. Do you have POA? If not and she is still competent enough, have her sign off on it. Even someone that is declared incompetent can legally sign off on something as long as they are competent in that one specific limited area. For this, it's that she wants you to care for her when she no longer can. If not, you'll have to become her conservator which is on another level of complexity.