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VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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When I visited my FIL in hospital towards the end, I held his hand and read him the poetry he learned in school as a child. ‘The Man from Snowy River’. It was a 6 bed ward, in the repat hospital for old men from the last war, and I found that you could hear a pin drop as the other old men strained to listen. I recited a bit louder when I found I wasn’t disturbing them, just the opposite. Different from conversation, but easier sometimes.
My mom likes to talk about most things from her past - her childhood, teen years, my dad (who divorced her on their 45th wedding anniversary but she doesn't seem to remember that and I NEVER mention it). We talk about the places we lived as a family, her job as an art teacher. I always try to make her laugh about events from her past!
I never correct her but rather redirect her. I was her least favorite child (of three) but she doesn't seem to remember that either ;)
My mom also liked to talk about her past, mostly her childhood years into her 20's. Since I wasn't around then I would ask her questions as I was honestly interested. Sometimes she thought I was her sister or mother so I let her think that.
My mom also loves music and sometimes she would shock me with the choices she asked Alexa to play (many bands or singers I have never heard of).
Well, it was very difficult to talk to my mother because all she did was complain. About who she hated (She lived in Memory Care), who was bothering her, how nobody ever called or came to visit (not true), how the food was horrible, how the relatives ignored her, how life sucked, etc etc. I tried to find neutral subjects to talk about, like the weather or a tv show she liked. Like JustShootMe said, when dad was alive, all she ever spoke about was how terrible he was, how useless, how he was faking his pain and ailments.....in spite of him having a brain tumor and cancer and being wheelchair bound! I think she was shocked and annoyed when he had the nerve to actually die. Sigh.
Relax into the moment is truly a laughable suggestion, because with dementia, the word "relax" doesn't exist for a large majority of elders or visitors.
At one point, my mother decided she didnt want ANY of her photos or photo albums. They were all useless and she asked me to throw them out. I took them home and they're with my photo albums now. So looking at photos was not a thing to do with the woman either 🙄
All I could do was listen to complaining and gossip about others until it was time to leave. As moms dementia worsened and she could no longer understand language very well, things improved a bit from a complaining standpoint. But she'd start yelling WHAT? constantly and I'd have to speak louder and louder to be heard, and then she'd say, "why are you screaming at me, I'm not deaf?"
Communication with an elder can be VERY VERY difficult and I sympathize with everyone going thru this. ShellyF, just do the best you can and consider yourself ahead of the game if mom is not causing a pit to form in your stomach every time you visit.
I have NEVER had luck with any of the usual suggestions about “activities” or looking through photo albums or “reminiscing”. My mother is angry at her situation. Can’t remember most anything-even things in the past. Crabby, critical and curmudgeonly. Visits are torture for both of us.
Just follow her lead. If she doesn't wish to talk a whole lot, then don't. If she wants to talk she will suggest about what. Don't argue or right fight. Just listen for the most part. Watch some Teepa Snow videos. They should be helpful.
For my own brother, he was in early stages of his Lewy's and he wanted to talk about it. He was aware of the prognosis and was aware he saw the world differently. He wanted to speak about how real his hallucinations were, and describe them. He died (luckily) before Lewy's could do its worst. I learned so much from him. We negotiated things together and clung together as always we did in times of problems. Again, I learned so much.
I visited my mom after I placed her in an ALF. I would push her wheel chair to the garden. I started giving names to squirrels, lizards (we are in Florida). I even named the trees she loved. It became a request to go visit “lizzy”, “Charlie” and “buster”.
I know it sounds elementary but, after all, it is about giving them pleasure and happiness. If we did not see one of them, she would ask me, “ I wonder where lizzy is today”.
I tried to live in her reality rather than trying to force her into mine. You can only look at photos so many times. The photos would remind her of how much she had forgotten.
"The photos would remind her of how much she had forgotten."
I agree. I decided to not show Mum photos when I learned that she felt distressed when she was aware that she couldn't remember things, especially if she felt she should know. I didn't want to upset her by showing her pictures of people and places she couldn't remember properly.
My husband had the idea of telling his (Alzheimers) Mother stories from her life - she remembers nothing - but he makes her bigger than life in every story. She is the one who "saved the day," she is the one who had the funny take on the situation, she is the one who took the more interesting path, she is the one who knew the perfect thing to do in a tight spot, she came up with the funny prank, she knew best how to deal with a situation with the kids, she had the most fun on vacations, etc. She loves hearing of herself in such a positive light. It doesn't have to be the truth, it doesn't matter if it is the truth. It is just "telling a story" that she in fact does want to hear. Their visits are very positive, even if she isn't sure who he is. NH living
That’s why I found reading aloud was a lot better than trying to make conversation. I did a stint of volunteering at the local aged care section of our small rural hospital, reading aloud to whoever turned up. If you try it, go for short short stories, preferably things they might remember from childhood (eg Milly Molly Mandy or the USA equivalent), or school poetry, or children’s Bible stories or well known hymns. One session I read the whole of the Sermon on the Mount – in church you normally only get a snippet of anything. They mostly want to listen, but of course you pause so that they can chip in if they want, with memories. You can think about what to read while you’re in the car. Trying to making conversation is often painful for you and a bit stressful for them.
Milly Molly Mandy - I would love to read those stories again! Although, perhaps they're better in my memory and should stay there. I really like your idea of reading poetry. I'm going to look up some poems that Mum might like to hear again. Today, I asked Alexa to play "Gilly Gilly Ossenfeffer Katzenellen Bogen by the Sea", which led to an old time medley by Max Bygraves. Mum joined in a little to "Tulips from Amsterdam". She barely speaks now, so that was lovely :)
We got my mother a Skylight frame, available on Amazon, and everyone uploaded pictures to it. Old pictures, newer ones of kids, grandkids and great-grandkids. Also the house she and dad raised us in. Lots of pictures from throughout her lifetime and it ran on a continual loop. She loved it and we always had fun watching it together. She was deaf and didn’t sign so this was great for us.
i just comment on what I’m doing… my mom likes to stand next to me when I’m cooking. However all she wants to talk about is my dad. How difficult he is, how annoying, etc, often not making sense. Around my dad, she just mutters insults and curses at him all day. She’s the one with Alzheimer’s, and he CAN be difficult but she does this all day regardless of the situation. So conversations are limited.
Well, I believe some of this is intuitive or instinctual. One needs to be PRESENT with what is while being 'on' to communicate.
I wouldn't be stiff about it. If you are uncomfortable - feeling a need to think of things to talk about - do not talk, simply smile and hold her hand.
Silence is golden is a phrase for a reason.
Some of the most 'important' communication is non-verbal.
Since she has dementia, she likely won't 'really' care what you talk about. What will matter - affect her more are non-verbal cues: facial expressions, tone of voice, touch.
You could talk about your day ahead or your plans for the rest of the day. I doubt it will matter much to her what you talk about.
WHAT MATTERS TO HER is that you are there, caring for her, loving her.
Relax into these moments. Look her in the eye and smile. Perhaps brush her hair ? Massage her hands ? Give her a manicure ?
If you feel it would support you, bring magazines and talk about the pictures/photographs. Birds, 'cute' animals - flowers - whatever she might have been interested in prior to dementia. Just be aware that her changing brain could 'see' a 'cute' monkey or elephant as a scary animal. We do not know how she might interpret what she sees visually.
I'd recommend you relax and just talk about yourself, your memories of her, your day, how you appreciate and love her. She'll get it.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I never correct her but rather redirect her. I was her least favorite child (of three) but she doesn't seem to remember that either ;)
My mom also loves music and sometimes she would shock me with the choices she asked Alexa to play (many bands or singers I have never heard of).
Relax into the moment is truly a laughable suggestion, because with dementia, the word "relax" doesn't exist for a large majority of elders or visitors.
At one point, my mother decided she didnt want ANY of her photos or photo albums. They were all useless and she asked me to throw them out. I took them home and they're with my photo albums now. So looking at photos was not a thing to do with the woman either 🙄
All I could do was listen to complaining and gossip about others until it was time to leave. As moms dementia worsened and she could no longer understand language very well, things improved a bit from a complaining standpoint. But she'd start yelling WHAT? constantly and I'd have to speak louder and louder to be heard, and then she'd say, "why are you screaming at me, I'm not deaf?"
Communication with an elder can be VERY VERY difficult and I sympathize with everyone going thru this. ShellyF, just do the best you can and consider yourself ahead of the game if mom is not causing a pit to form in your stomach every time you visit.
Best of luck to you.
I have NEVER had luck with any of the usual suggestions about “activities” or looking through photo albums or “reminiscing”.
My mother is angry at her situation. Can’t remember most anything-even things in the past.
Crabby, critical and curmudgeonly.
Visits are torture for both of us.
For my own brother, he was in early stages of his Lewy's and he wanted to talk about it. He was aware of the prognosis and was aware he saw the world differently. He wanted to speak about how real his hallucinations were, and describe them. He died (luckily) before Lewy's could do its worst. I learned so much from him. We negotiated things together and clung together as always we did in times of problems. Again, I learned so much.
I know it sounds elementary but, after all, it is about giving them pleasure and happiness. If we did not see one of them, she would ask me, “ I wonder where lizzy is today”.
I tried to live in her reality rather than trying to force her into mine. You can only look at photos so many times. The photos would remind her of how much she had forgotten.
I agree. I decided to not show Mum photos when I learned that she felt distressed when she was aware that she couldn't remember things, especially if she felt she should know. I didn't want to upset her by showing her pictures of people and places she couldn't remember properly.
NH living
I really like your idea of reading poetry. I'm going to look up some poems that Mum might like to hear again.
Today, I asked Alexa to play "Gilly Gilly Ossenfeffer Katzenellen Bogen by the Sea", which led to an old time medley by Max Bygraves. Mum joined in a little to "Tulips from Amsterdam". She barely speaks now, so that was lovely :)
One needs to be PRESENT with what is while being 'on' to communicate.
I wouldn't be stiff about it.
If you are uncomfortable - feeling a need to think of things to talk about - do not talk, simply smile and hold her hand.
Silence is golden is a phrase for a reason.
Some of the most 'important' communication is non-verbal.
Since she has dementia, she likely won't 'really' care what you talk about. What will matter - affect her more are non-verbal cues: facial expressions, tone of voice, touch.
You could talk about your day ahead or your plans for the rest of the day.
I doubt it will matter much to her what you talk about.
WHAT MATTERS TO HER is that you are there, caring for her, loving her.
Relax into these moments. Look her in the eye and smile.
Perhaps brush her hair ?
Massage her hands ?
Give her a manicure ?
If you feel it would support you, bring magazines and talk about the pictures/photographs. Birds, 'cute' animals - flowers - whatever she might have been interested in prior to dementia. Just be aware that her changing brain could 'see' a 'cute' monkey or elephant as a scary animal. We do not know how she might interpret what she sees visually.
I'd recommend you relax and just talk about yourself, your memories of her, your day, how you appreciate and love her. She'll get it.
Gena / Touch Matters
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