Ahead of time, thank you everyone for any responses. Sometimes I get so tied up in dad's care I can't get back on here for a while. Today is quiet.
Just watching the years go by as I take care of my dad, thinking what I can do different for my own future, I have two adult children, one is disabled, the other has been battling cancer off and on. I can't be a burden to anyone after this, I don't want to do that to anyone. Want to make up for the years of life I've missed, and definitely want to line out the elder years better than my parents did.
The saying that one mother can take care of 5 (or some high number) children, but her 5 children can't take care of one mother is true. It is NOT supposed to cause guilt for the children as some people take it. It is to say that taking care of one mother is a MUCH MORE difficult job than raising a bunch of kids. And that caring for a aging parent will require much more than her grown children can give.
A few generations ago, old people got sick and died soon after. Now, they get sick and linger on and on and on and on thanks to the miracle medical interventions.
When I look back into my family tree, back in the 1800's and early 1900's it wasn't unusual in my tree for parents to have 10 to 17 children, and their grown children to have a dozen children themselves. That's a lot of potato salad at family gatherings. It was just the norm for those who lived in rural areas.
Thus, there were always grown children and grandchildren to help out their aging parents/grandparents. And in my tree, it was the norm to live to be into one's late 80's, 90's, and 100's even back then.
Thus, society should feel that one or two grown children in today's world should be doing all the caring that a dozen of children were doing back then??
When my Dad's Mom needed help in her 90's, she had living nearby two sons, their wives, and a gaggle of grown grandchildren. So she had a village to help. I told my parents, that I was trying to do what all 15 people were doing. My parents weren't hands-on as they lived out of State, thus had no idea what was involved. I was trying to convince them [now in their 90's] I was exhausted.
I remember back at work when I was grumbling about driving my parents all over hill and dale, when one co-worker said I have to remember my parents had driven me all over hill and dale when I was child. I remarked that was true, BUT my parents weren't in their late 60's when I was a child, big difference.
Mom has 5-10 years left and even though I must be responsible for her 24/7 I am blessed with enough backup care givers in the extended family and enough respite hours during the week to still have a limited life. My hope is that after the care giving responsibilities are done, I can take a year to "rest" and then my own health will allow me travel a bit, maybe with one of those kids I once took care of as a companion. I live in God's country and I will enjoy my retirement even without travel, visiting relatives and attending local events. I might even do some emergency foster care, as there is a great need of it today.
Sure, plan for your retirement/elderly years using the knowledge you've gained but also plan for happiness.
I gave up a lot to take care of mom so I understand and I know what burnout feels like. When mom passed, it was devastating but I also realized I had the opportunity to do things differently for myself starting now and that is what I am doing. I am making my health my priority, planning to travel and am pursuing activities I love to do. I have the same plans for when I'm retired.
Please make sure you are taking care of yourself now, so important. Especially for when you are older. Do what you can now to be healthy, find a bit of happiness, rest and peace don't wait until then.
Travel was a biggie.
Soon after I retired he was diagnosed with dementia.
Rather than travel I learned how to..
Redirect him when he had something on his mind.
I learned how to communicate with a man that became non verbal.
I learned that if he took off not to cancel the credit card because the police could track it if it was used.
I learned how to hide my car keys better
I learned how to change a brief while he was standing up
I learned how to use a Sit to Stand and a Hoyer Lift.
I learned how to make a bed with him in it
I learned how to change his tab briefs while he was in bed (and not get the sheets soiled)
I also learned...
No one will care for me the way I cared for him
I will not put anyone through what I went through.
I purchased Long Term Care Insurance. Hurts when I pay the bill every year but knowing I can stay in my house makes it easier.
I have discussed my wishes as to what interventions I want in a medical emergency and I have a Health POA and a POA for finances.
What I do now...
I live my life to the fullest (as best as I can)
I volunteer
I participate in Support Groups to pass on what I have learned.
I will answer a call from a friend at any time day or night, if they need me I am here for them .
I was planning on opening college savings accounts for my kids, but I scrapped that plan. It's more important for my husband and I to save for our retirement. The children can work and pay for their college education. If really needed, they can apply for student loans and work to pay off. We, on the other hand, will run out of working years, and won't be able to fund for our own care if we don't save now.
I hope to not get Alz or dementia. But if by chance it happens, I don't want any medical interventions to prolong my life. That will be in clearly spelled out in my living will.
I am sorry about one of your children being disabled and the other having cancer. It must be very difficult for you as parent. How old is your dad? How is his health? Do you have any help?
My Dad was a sweetheart, easy going, open to suggestions, etc. My Mom was the opposite, refused caregivers, refused cleaning crews, refused to even consider downsizing, etc. They lived under their own roof, me under my own, but every time the phone rang I started to shake wondering who needed medical attention and/or who fell.
Due to the major sticker shock of aging, especially the cost of having professional caregivers [after my Mom had passed, Dad was eager to have caregivers help him].... then the sticker shock of Independent Living [Dad was ready to sell the house]... then Assisted Living/Memory Care... I now am holding hostage my retirement fund for those raining days. There were times when it was storming out there !!