Well... I was considering having children until I started caring for my father because I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I was a "late baby" (my brother who committed suicide was even younger... 10 years), so my father was 47 when I was born. I'm absolutely TERRIFIED to reproduce at the age of 38 now for the fear that I will get sick and have kids that resent caring for me.
Then I think I wouldn't be a good mother because I get so frustrated with my father when he doesn't sleep (babies keep you up at night as well), or I snap at him for ...whatever.
Finally, I think about putting a contingency plan together for aging. The short time I had Dad at the Independent Living (IL) facility, I would listen to the elderly parents that put THEMSELVES in the facility so their children could enjoy their freedom--so they wouldn't be a burden to their children. I admit I was a bit jealous. Why can't my Dad do that?
Then I have "angry compassion_ so to speak. Isn't it interesting that if an animal gets to the point where they can't function, they're put down, yet humans can literally suffer for YEARS (patient and caregiver) existing as a fraction of the person they once were.
I get it... it must be horrible to exist without being unable to hear well, see well, move around, remember anything, and be in pain most of the time, but should the caregivers suffer?
NOTE: I'm not advocating euthanizing humans... just making an observation.
...and to top it off, I want to SCREAM the truth at by standers that "commend" me for taking care of Dad. There's nothing commendable about it. I detest it most of the time and feel guilty for feeling that way every day.
....random venting I guess
I hate it when people ask me "what about when it's your turn, who will take care of you?"
I think for most people, the initial and maybe longest stage of old age involves relying on others for a lot of instrumental tasks that they could previously do themselves. Things like cooking, cleaning, driving, home maintenance tasks. Most of these tasks could be done by any set of able hands, but adult children are often tasked with them because there's no money to hire anyone, even if the adult child is elderly or disabled themselves. If our parent had an extra thousand bucks a month, it could pay for maybe 50-100 hours per month of this kind of help, which would take an enormous burden off the adult children.
I don't really mind doing the kinds of things for my mother that depend on our relationship as mother and daughter. Doctors' visits, hand-holding during illnesses and medical procedures, emotional support. I mind having to do the huge amount of gruntwork that gets dumped on me every week, especially now that I have a badly arthritic foot that hurts a lot if I have to put weight on it too much.
Unfortunately, it's very hard to get free or subsidized help with these instrumental tasks, at least in my area of the country. I've tried. I think this is the problem that a lot of people are having during the bulk of their parents' old age.
My parents are that way, for over 6 years I was their driver and it got to a point where I started to get panic attacks driving. Hello, we have senior citizens driving older senior citizens on crowded busy roads, what's not to understand? I know, I should have set boundaries when I first started to drive them, but I thought it would be a year or two, not going on 7 years.
Anyway, to get back to my point of elders not wanting to open up those stock portfolio's, my parents could have easily afford a full-time chauffeur. Nooooo, only I or my sig other were allowed to drive them. Heaven forbid a stranger get behind the wheel of their car.... [rolling eyes].
Dad keeps telling me the money will be my inheritance that's why he and Mom don't want to spent it.... and lately I've been telling Dad "You and Mom will probably outlive me, so go ahead and spend it". They look at me like my hair was on fire, they still don't understand as they never took care of their own parents.
Think about our kids, and grandkids. College debt, working two or more jobs at low wages and zero benefits, living at home because rent and house payments are simply not possibly. These kids are hardly going to be able to support themselves much less aging parents.
All while state legislatures are gleefully cutting any health, education and social services and busting up what little is left of unions.
So as us Boomers b*tch and whine, I'm glad I'm not 24 and working at Walmart, Starbucks, and the 7-11 all at the same time with a worthless college degree that left me 100 grand in debt.
Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer, but hey, someone has to counter the Few of my favorite things thread........
Occasionally, fortified by chocolate, I watch the local city council hearings but can never tolerate more than a short time because not only of the attitude toward citizens but because of the attitude toward seniors.
Once an elderly woman, probably in her 80's, asked for assistance in finding someone to care for her lawn, having been cited by the overaggressive code enforcement people.
This woman was trying to find a way to comply, yet she met with indifference and even what I considered an insult when she was told by a council member that residents have one day after receiving a violation notice posted on their door. If the lawn isn't mowed in that one day, a citation is issued and the resident may have to appear in court for failure to keep the lawn below 6" in height. If she still hasn't been able to have the lawn mowed, the city does it and bills her. And of course they don't hire individuals with lawn mowers, they hire services with the tractor mowers.
One of the council members, probably in her 50's, emphasized that they intend to adhere to these restrictions, then made ludicrous suggestions to find assistance - none of the suggestions were even based on common sense. It was clear that she has NEVER been in the position of having to hire someone for help.
It really angered me to see how this resident and others have been treated, but they're not a population with a large clout in small geographic areas.
Maybe what we need is an Elderly Population Union!
However, think what this does for the third world and emerging market countries: how many of those with whom we've had physical, human rights or intellectual conflicts are now trading partners? I vaguely remember a tongue in cheek movie about a small country that initiated conflict with the US so that after the war was over they could be the recipient of Marshall Plan type assistance.
I'm not opposed to global commerce but the competitive advantage has become not so much a commodity issue in terms of goods and service, but rather of wages....lowest cost wages, regardless of the working conditions or the toxicity of the products. How many times have Chinese products been identified as contaminated? How many times have the Chinese hacked major computer systems?
Yet Chinese junk is still sold in stores.
No, I don't want to do this for the next 10 yrs, Moms 87. I'm 66. I just don't have the energy. I'm glad there are others that feel the same.
Really, don't think our parents felt they were going to live this long. Back in the 60s the life span was 65. We have taken steps to invest our money. I don't expect our daughters should have to quit jobs to care for us.
Sounds like a movie in which Hercule Poirot or Jessica Fletcher could star.
There was a cooking show by that name - the chef was Marcel de Saulnier and the desserts he created were out of this world.
For me, that would be a very relaxed way to go. I could put together a whole movie of my life of times when I remember getting a massage at various places and in different styles with the closing one being a massage style that I've discovered rather recently. And it is like they say to die for.
The Ashiatsu Oriental Bar Therapy puts the Swedish Deep Tissue Massage Therapy style to shame.
I would write the closing scene with my getting such a massage and at that point where you usually reach the deepest feeling of relaxation; all of the warmth of your body goes to your core before feeling new warmth spreading throughout your body and in that deep serene state just passing away. Now that would be something.
Each of our FILE OF LIFE (written in red), reads: " I W A N T T O L I V E !!! "
But then, it's too soon to tell.
I guess that will be next on the list of questions paramedics ask. I can see it all now. "Are you comfortably fending for yourself without being a burden to others?"
Sorry I shouldn't joke about this. Humor is what gets me through life.
Wait! What is this thread anyway? Ok... Had to scroll up to look.
Caregiving has changed my life by appreciating times like this when for a few moments, I'm not thinking about caregiving. But now I'm worried about moms cardio test......One more beer won't hurt.
But you're right - caregiving makes you appreciate the small, every day things.