How has caregiving changed your views of life and aging?

I understand tinyblu. I have been caring for my mom, 73, for 3 years. We had a great relationship until I started caring for we full time. She has become manipulative and I feel so hateful when I have to go. What you call angry compassion. I feel so guilty for feeling so bitter towards her. I feel like a terrible daughter. But I am just done. And if modern med wasn't here she would have died 2 years ago. Instead she sits in her wheelchair all day, alone, with nothing to do. A miserable life. Again I think quality of like should be considered because we life is no way to live. I know I don't want to put my kids through this. We are in the process of finding LTC insurance.

I'm hoping to die young .

The gov't has already increased the age when I will be eligible for my (laughable) pension, so I think we are all expected to just keep on working. That might be OK for those doing office work, but for those of us scabbling around doing physical labour there's only so much the body can take. It's one thing to save for a rainy day, but the way things are going we will never be able to save enough no matter what we do. If assistive living costs are $5K to $10K/month now how much more will they be in 10, 20, 30 years? Millions won't be enough!

If caregiving for my parents has taught me anything, it's that I refuse to leave my kids in charge of my care when I reach that age. I refuse to put them in the position I've been in for the past few years. I fully plan to have it set up so that I have a guardian that I trust that will help me make the choice for NH placement or whatever is necessary when the time comes. My daughter is aware of this plan and has already objected - sorry, kiddo - my life, my choice. It's easy enough for her to say now that she would be happy to care for me when the time comes, but she has no idea what it's really like. I'm not going to do that to her.

Tin cup years -- adopted! Gone are the golden years.

Good one, sendme. :)

Sendme2help, "tin cup years", good one :)

Caregiving has made me realize that there is just not going to be any help in whatever years you want to call it: golden years, silver sneaker years, tin years. Seems like the tin-cup years may be approaching faster for many. If there is any 'golden' as in money, the NH will take it all! How can you plan for that? Just looking forward to this day, and the next, still.

She still doesn't know what it means, but I love her.

In agreement, this is a great thread, because we get to SAY some stuff!
My use of the term 'young whippersnappers' is not original to me, but maybe grandparents used that term.
When my grand-daughter was growing up, she asked me what "Behave" meant.

There must be a siren going off like in the Stepford wives that is drawing people to all these items. Oh well, on the other side of the coin if we didn't have big spenders, the stores would go out of business and less sales taxes would be collected.

Regarding granite counter tops, one can't sell a house today without them in the kitchen and all the bathrooms. When I remodel my kitchen, I will replace my old butcher block with new butcher block... one can make just a good a sandwich on butcher block as with granite, the money saved can buy a lot of bread and cold cuts :)

Windy, go for it!

Your comment on vehicles reminded me of the inclusion now of so many gadgets and features that aren't necessarily related to safety or better driving.

I used to think that video cameras were a waste of money, but eventually I realized that they can help older people who have become stiff and can't turn their necks easily to back up.

I thought the Golden Age was the age in which industrialists came to power, amassing huge fortunes, living very well, and building American mansions resembling European castles and manors.

It's interesting how the term has changed throughout history, especially that the Roman Empire could be considered a golden age.

Ya know, we're getting way off topic here.......We have the FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS thread, warm puppies and all that....how about a THINGS THAT JUST REALLY PISS ME OFF THREAD. whatta Y'all think?

Yes Garden, and then there's the snowmobiles, four wheelers, spring break for Biff and Buffy in Daytona, the sauna and hot tub, Vegas weekend, and the family trip to Disney World that costs 15 k that was financed. And don't even get me started on the $40,000 all wheel drive, crew cab, 465 hp off road package truck that was on a gravel driveway once but mostly lives on the beltway around.....pick any city........

FF, I think your SO's daughter is fairly representative of some of what are known as the Millenials as well as others a few decades older.

I can't even begin to imagine the burden these people are going to place on the security net systems when they get to be our age. They'll probably expect nursing homes to have WiFi and free Internet accounts, IKEA furniture, and Wall Street speakers that address their portfolio management rather than musicians who provide entertainment. Maybe they'll even want branch banking in the facility as well.

Llamalover47, I saw that, too. Had to laugh, one of the question websites someone asked about the term Golden Years and some young person answered that the term came from David Bowie, and that young person was serious with his/her answer.

Apparently from what I read in other research the term Golden Years is in part from the term Golden Age, which goes back to the Romans and Caesar... don't think Bowie is THAT old :P

Windyridge, schools should have taught "common sense budgeting" to their students decades ago. My parents always lived like tomorrow would be the next Great Depression, so they have lived way under their means. I also do the same plus I learned to keep stuff until it is at a point of no return. Like I will keep driving 20 year old Jeep until the wheels fall off.

My sig other daughter [40] and her husband it's another story.... they are always keeping up with the Jones's, apparently no one told them the Jones's are in major debt..... good grief, when their first child was born they had to get the same highchair that singer Brittany Spears had gotten for her child.... plus new cars every two years.... and heaven forbid the daughter can't leave the house without wearing $200 jeans. And they are looking for a McMansion to buy because their house is "too small". They have almost zero in savings.

Well said, Windy. Don't forget the house remodeling, with mandatory granite countertops, all new stainless steel appliances, multiple bathrooms, firepit and outdoor kitchens and who know what else.

Manufacturers, distributors and retailers are making a killing off people who think they need all this stuff.

freqflyer: I looked up "Golden Years" and up popped the song by David Bowie. LOL!

freqflyer:That's a good one! LOL!

Carla CB makes some good points about the economics of ageing. I'm somewhat fortunate in that my folks worked and saved, and always lived within their means. So now I have a little something to work with on their behalf. It's not a lot but enough to avoid medicaid for awhile.

But Lordy! So many people blow it all on dumba** stuff, living large and, OOPS! We're old! Holy S...T! We have no where to go....You've gotta take your poor old Dad/Mom in........

Then the really sad situations are where the kids are a chip of the old block and they have no resources to help unless they sell the boat, jet skis, the Harley's, motor home, time share codo, gun collection, take out a third mortgage on the vacation cottage. Oh....I forgot the $600 per month cable, DSL, cell phone, Netflix, bills.

We all know folks like this. I have friends of my generation who I know damn good and well will end up in a Wallmart parking lot living in what's left of their 150K RV. And they still will owe 10 years payments.

There are certainly people who have simply been crushed by our economy through no fault of their own nd the safety net has gotten thinner, but it's hard to have sympathy for the campaign and diamonds crowd.

Llamalover, I looked up on an on-line dictionary the term "golden years" and noticed an advertisement on the top of the page, it was for Alzheimer's care :P

About 5 yrs ago my mother said."you expect me to keep going along." No, I was not that naive. She wanted to live alone in her own home in Massachusetts. I live in Maryland and if she moved down here, there would be someone to care for her. No, she said. Then a younger friend of hers told me "she's a frightened, elderly woman." Really? News to me and my sibling. She never let us know! Whoever came up with the phrase "the Golden Years" must have not been right in the head because they are ANYTHING BUT!

It has made me not want to get that old - because I see what little resources this town has for older people, and I don't think that I would ever have anyone as good as myself as my own caregiver!
It's also scary because I see how thin the line is, with the medical community, about whether an elderly person is capable of making decisions. Doctor saw my dad when he was 'out of it 'due to extreme pain, and decided that he was 'senile' since he could not answers all ten questions. Another doctor saw him later and said that - based upon the first doctor's notes - he did not expect him to be so engaged and alert for his age. If you had no one to be there for you to advocate, you could end up in a bad place. This is very scary and I hope that I don't live long enough to have to worry about it.

I have gotten very down on aging. My Mom died unexpectedly two years ago and then my Dad came to live with me. His Alzheimer's - hidden by my Mom - got worse immediately and before long he had to be in AL for his own safety. A few months ago he went to a nursing home/rehab facility because he can no longer walk or stand and is too combative for PT so he is in alarmed chair/bed all day. He always took good care of his health, and his body is now outliving his mind. It's not pretty or nice or what he would have wanted, and he may continue like this for years. It's very depressing. I have told my own kids that if/when I start to show dementia or Alzheimer's, get me to a doctor for a prescription so that I can choose to end my life my way. I refuse to live the way that my Dad is living; it makes me very sad.

I completely agree with all that you have said. I never in a million years knew that caretaking for my mother would be so all consuming. Mom is 79 and has colon cancer along with beginnings of dementia. She has lived with me for 17 years in my home so naturally it would fall on me being the only daughter to care for her. My older brothers live in different states. There are numerous emotions that go along with my current situation but once I feel them the final emotion I feel is guilt. My mom has been there for me my whole life. We are very close and granted while I was in high school we did not get along but having my dad pass 21 years ago it has been me and my husband who watch over my mom. I am in the position now of trying to figure out where to place her or hire inhome care. Financially placing her in a facility will be cheaper but the guilt of sending her out of her home forever is what I am struggling with, daily. I agree with you that it makes you fear the aging process and I do have three children but what I have learned from this experience is to be prepared and NEVER put my kids in this position to HAVE to care for me. Adult children should be just that adult children..not caregivers. It changes the whole game and relationship. Sure there are memorable moments but most of them are memories of cleaning up messes and having to endure snarky comments from mom. Over all I am a believer that God put me in this position for a reason so I am just moving through it with as much grace as I can grasp. I appreciate hearing I am doing a good job from people (they tell me this often) but it feels weird to hear that. I mean what else would I be doing? She is my mom and I love her.

Thanks for your thoughtful reply CarlaCB.....I have heard parents actually say this that they were glad they had children to take care of them when they get old. In fact even a friend of mine who should know better said this recently. I thought, well I guess that means I'm out of luck! LOL. I've always said, ya never know what type adults the children will become. They may be deadbeats, on drugs, hate their parents, or even die before them etc. and not take care of them or incapable of taking care of them. So children should never be in the equation as you stated. We should all take care of ourselves as we are able financially etc. Some people will think I'm too blunt, but so be it. I won't even depend on my husband or sisters as I have no idea how they or their situation will be since I don't have a crystal ball. If they wish to be there with me or are able to be with me as comfort, wonderful! :)

My belief that longer isn't necessarily better has strengthened. Living long and well - wonderful. Living long and suffering - not so wonderful. My loved ones know my feelings well and I also have put them in writing.

We often don't have any choices when it comes to how or when we die, but we need to make our end-of-life wishes known to that if there is a turning point, our lives go in the direction that we would have wished.

Take care, my friends,
You are an amazing group of people.
Carol

Harpcat, I totally agree with you, except for one point. I don't think most people have children in order to be taken care of in old age, because, as you said, nobody thinks they will get old. But they do live in the moment, spend every dime, and try to live life to the fullest so that when old age comes around they have no resources. Then they start turning to their children, even if they've said all their lives that they never wanted to be a burden.

A wish is not a plan, it turns out. Unless people take some serious action and make some plans and get some ideas straight in their mind as to how they'll avoid burdening their kids, that's how it turns out. People don't think about assisted living or home help, so they don't know what it costs, and they don't feel any need to save, or postpone retirement until they can really afford it all.

When the walker hits the wheelchair, the kids are called in, and all of society seems to endorse this. Everyone says "Your kids should be helping you. You shouldn't have to live on your own. Move in with one of your kids' families ." And you look like carp if you raise any objections to a life of soul-sucking sacrifice and unending labor. I think society has to change before elderly will change. I think it has to become as shameful to live irresponsibly and then put a burden on your kids as it is now to refuse to help your elderly parents.

I think what is so sad is people who have kids so that they can be taken care of when they are elderly. That is not the job of children. What gives any person the right to place that burden on anyone? Sure if the person is sweet, has money is of sound mind, it might not be a burden, but being realistic, it usually is.
I see generations of people who live so much in the moment and spend money and don't save anything so that once they are elderly can't afford to live somewhere that is safe and that can take care of their needs. I guess no one thinks they will get old. But we all know living a long life is often commonplace. We've become so health conscious that we live as my dad says, "too long".
I do not have children and I have a long term care policy. Hopefully it will still be valid if I ever need it. If not, I have planned so I have enough money to take care of my needs.
I am very thankful my dad who only had a high school education and a blue collar job, saved like crazy and can afford to live in IL. I don't know what we'd do if he couldn't.
I also think people should be allowed to end their lives if they choose. Of course you can in, I believe, Oregon.