How has caregiving changed your views of life and aging?

NYDaughter I am getting to where your are. Its hard.
Rainy! Ugly resurface?? Its over and over you'd think I'd get used to it.
Jersey, lol I walk around in circles sometimes looking for something I should have know not to leave around until I realize to leave it alone, I may see it again or maybe not. Its not funny but it is funny!*&%#
Babycakes, Your name caught my attention. I named a little kid that about 10 years ago. he was the sweetest little boy and I kinda got attached to him. Your sentinment is the bottom line of my existence and relationship with my mother. I love her, she can pee on me, I wont like it but I will take it (raise my pressure).

You know its sad to say, we have a tumultuous relationship. I try not to remember the nasty. I feel guilty about my feelings sometimes, and the reality hurts. I still live it. I still get it. Its sad to say Its a lot better when she is less lucid because the more lucid she is the more spite, ugly or traces of her game and manipulation shows. Its amazing that her least discomfort is my fault is one way or another.
I love her, she is my mother and I will continue to honor her. I have to just accept she will never appreciate me as a daughter. MY sister spends $10 and its biggest thing ever. I mop, clean her messes, spills, burst sodas in freezer, gook in fridge, surprises surprises, fix shed, fix locks, pest control you name it and her motto is I "aint "never did anything for her. Anyway I will honor her. I just stay in prayer because its hits me hard sometimes and sometimes its like she's my baby.

I cared for our mother for nine years. Until momma passed March of 2016. This was not hard to do. Mom had sleepless nights. But I cared for momma with tender loving care. Yes I did get tires. But that was our mother. What else was I expected to do.

I care for my wounderful 84yr mother we share a house together and mostly it works there are days that she forgets I live there to and moves the furniture and does other things, we have to learn to be understanding and remember they did not ask us to care for them , and my parents looked after me when I have been very ill in hospital after many operations, they never complained and I feel that we I should try to do it in return. No one asked me, my belief says God never gives you more than you can handle, and I no that's true as I am disabled and mum never asked me to help.

NYDaughter,
Amazing to me what you wrote. I can relate to pretty much all of it, things we never imagined for ourselves, people we would become under circumstances put upon us. Watching the ugliness re surface from a life long dysfunctional family. I never thought I would end up sacrificing my world because my other siblings would not do the right thing.

Caregiving has made me much sterner than I ever was. I recognize the futility of repeating myself or explaining the same things over and over. I am more patient in some ways and less patient in others. I look at the big picture and do not sweat the small stuff. I "see" manipulation coming a mile away and shut that down immediately. I manage expectations clearly and communicate proactively. If feelings are hurt or feathers ruffled, too bad. I live in the present and accept reality regardless of how harsh it may be. Sometimes I feel like a shrew.

I agree it's been a real eye opener! 

My sentiments exactly.

Dear Jazzy,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your mother. I'm sorry to hear about the toll caregiving is taking on you. Have you considered respite care? Or assisted living? I know its easy.

Dear Jenna,

Me, too. I don't have any kids to take care of me when I am old. I hope my niece or nephew will take pity on me and show me some compassion but who knows. Since my dad passed, I am more afraid of growing too old. Having health problems and becoming dependant on anyone to care for me. I know I cannot control the future, but I do worry about it.

No Jazzy2, no one can predict the future. I posted here about 6 months ago and my old boyfriend called me and we are back together again (for now anyway). He drives 2 hours to see me and he really likes my Mom which is important to me.

I had rescued my Mom from my older brother who abused her, put her house up for sale which sold and moved her to the state where I live. Brother had to move out and then he died. Karma? I don't know.

What I do know is that I do not want to get old. I never had children (my choice) for personal reasons so there is no one to take care of me and I don't think I would want anyone taking care of me if I couldn't take care of myself. That is not living. My Mom just passes the time waiting, waiting, waiting... And the scary part is I understand...

Unfortunately no one can predict the future. My husband is 81,with Parkinson's and dementia. I roll him around in a wheelchair and wipe his bum. My mother died last month at the age of 93. She lived alone, practiced yoga, drove, grocery shopped and cooked a pot of stew two days before she dropped dead. They say she was dead before she hit the ground. I don't see myself with that great an old age because caregiving is taking it out of me, but one can hope.

Alifay55. Well said. Exactly how I feel

I've enjoyed reading all the posts, and it gives me great comfort to know others like myself are facing the same sort of dilemmas caring for a family member, and I'm not alone. Not that I'm HAPPY that you're going through such difficult times, just that there are others who completely understand the emotional effects this kind of work has on a person. I think it takes a special breed of person to be a caregiver, and I thank you all for sharing your thoughts!!

Hi upstream. By pure chance , my x next store neighbor used to work for a major insurance company. We purchased long term policies when I was 41 and my husband 46. I thought it was crazy at the time , but I'm sure glad we have it now. It's not as good as my mothers. My husband and I will have to split 8 years. I think that's one way to prepare for retirement and future care.

Upstream,
You are right about that! The cost of living, the cost of real estate, heck, just a trip to the grocery store is easily 100 bucks when you didn't seem to get a whole lot of food! It's gotten way out of hand.

So, looking at the recent comments...how do we (primarily ladies) see our retirement years, as opposed to how our parents and grandparents spent them? This involves finances and the economy (and our ability to save for our own retirement), the ability to take care of our own selves and our health, the health care system itself, etc. My opinion is that retirement of the future will not be what it has been for the past several decades, at least not for the middle class/working class.

Alifay,
You summed it up pretty well. I cannot imagine if Mom lived to be 102. I think I would definately be certifiably insane since I have only been doing this for about 5 years. I also became a caregiver, gave up my profession so I could care for Mom as a professional without her spending 30 an hour (that's what my agency bills me out at) not that I see anything close to that in my paycheck! This has truly changed my outlook on growing old. I pray to God to take me before I have to depend on anyone to care for me. I decided against children, probably had something to do with my totally dysfunctional childhood and not wanting to roll those dice. I still don't speak to my brothers. Not to sound morbid but I am not afraid to die, I see it as a release from the never ending list of responsibilities and battles that seems to be my life. We both share lack of patience, another never ending battle with myself on that score. My husband and I never got a honeymoon, no vacations for us, we also were going to move out of state because California is ridiculous from a cost of living standpoint among other issues, but then, Mom's mental and physical health started going. She wanted me to care for her. Not surprising since my brothers are worthless. Life on hold. For how long? Who knows. I am glad I can help make the end of her life as pleasant as possible but the price has been my freedom, my outlook on growing old, my sanity at times, my career, my marriage in limbo, social security won't be squat, sooooo, afraid to die? Not me. Please don't let me end up like her or others I have had experience caring for. Mom never had to care for her Mom since she was in another state so she has no idea what it's like watching your own parent become completely dependent on you. Glad I decided against children, I would never want to put this on any child of mine. I go through emotional ups and downs, try to keep a good sense of humor even though I see the world going down the toilet and my own health problems starting to rear their ugly heads. As Freqflyer put so well, it takes a huge toll on your own health and energy to want to do anything, I can get wiped out just going to the grocery store or doing daily chores. I keep hoping it's part of going through "the change of life" and I will bounce back a bit after it's finally done. My heart is filled with empathy for all of you going through this difficult time and all the emotional, physical and financial toll it takes just trying to step up and do the right thing. It would be so much nicer if we had siblings that would share in the responsibilties but the more I read peoples stories, it is definitely uncommon. Then, there they are with hands extended wanting their "fair share" of the parents money, possessions, etc. This just adds to the stress and nightmare of the sacrifice we chose to make for the well being of our parent/s, accusing us of ulterior motives. Who and the heck would willingly want this to be their life? Sorry for the long rant, guess I am in a mood tonight.

This may seem totally random. I never got along with my mother in law or father in law. Too much detail to entirely explain. Basically they didn't like me because I came from a different religion and would not convert to theirs. Their son and I have been very happily married for over 30 years. Ok so they at some point , realize it's going to last. I thought they were cult like. He was a minister. She a teacher. In their church school. So he died a few years ago. She has Been a role model to me now. She lives in a community of older people of her faith. She has no desire to move near us or her daughter , because she's happy where she is. Involved in daily activities. Involved in her church. She s 85. She still tutors math to kids in the school . What this has taught me , is I need to find a hobby , activity , something other than tv to occupy myself when I am older. I want my life to like my Mil 's. Not my mothers. Who sits her watching tv 14 hours a day.

For me, it is the huge cost of becoming older. Good grief, the price of a Independent Care, Assisted Living/Memory Care, and the cost of a nursing home... I was a deer in headlights. No one prepared me for this. Thank goodness my parents were very fugal their whole lives, being the children of the Great Depression. They saved for those rainy days, and it was pouring now.

My Mom's skilled nursing home in my area was $12k per month, and Dad had around the clock caregivers from an Agency and that was $20k per month as he was fall risk. After a couple of months and when my Mom [98] had passed, Dad [95] decided to move to Independent Living, where the cost was $6k per month, which seemed like a bargain. And thus the savings wasn't draining out big time.

It scared me. I was looking at my portfolio and was wondering how long would my money last. I have no children or siblings, so I need to be prepared to do this on my own. Chances are I won't reach the age of my parents, because helping them over the past 7 years put a lot of age decline on me, and my health.

My sig other is terrible at caregiving, so I would need to hire caregivers for myself, or move to where my Dad had lived. The place was really nice, so that gives me hope that I could be comfortable in my twilight years.

I threw away my bucket list, as I have zero desire to travel now. I need to hold onto my savings !!  My Dad passed last Sept and I am still in that rut. I have no energy at all in the afternoons and evenings. And I don't like being more than a hour away from my doctors.... now I understand what my late mother-in-law meant when she said that.

And I resent the fact that my parents had 25+ years of a fun filled exciting retirement. They never had to take care of their parents, so they had zero idea the mega stress I was going through :(

I think we all need a clone of ourselves. Lol. I've posted this before , but this has made me realize and my husband that we will never live with our daughter , when we are older. It's hard not to get depressed or bitter or scared. Of course, the sense of obligation defines my life. The transition from daughter to care giver. Always trying to be respectful. Doing what ever I can to not lose it , when asked the same question 5 times in an hour. It took us 10 years and many procedures to have my daughter. Those were scarey times too. But I had more hope then. Maybe because I was younger. 10 years of infertility is nothing compare to this. Hope we all have a good night

Caregiving has made me more aware of growing old myself. I don't know if that's good or bad. It's also taught me a lot about myself. Some things I was happy with, others not so much. The hardest thing has been my lack of patience. I'll be working on that the rest of my life!

I've been a caregiver to my mom for 10 years now. She is in a steady age-related decline, but is mentally aware for the most part and can still do a few things for herself. She turns 102 this month. If someone had told me 10 years ago that she would still be alive at this age, I wouldn't have believed it. I'm happy she has had a long life, and glad I was there for her when other family members were not able to be. Even though, I still feel angry at times that my husband and I have had to put our lives on hold, especially now that we are planning our retirement. We had plans to sell our house this year and move out of state where the cost of living is lower and our income would go further. But for now, my husband will continue his employment, and I'll continue caring for my mother, and we'll both continue being patient until our situation changes.

It's awful how some aging parents can be. I also see the kids ignoring how bad off their parents really are, and should be in nursing care. A close friend's mother has lost control of her bowels and just goes anywhere. The kids still think she's "good" to be at home. I don;t get it. It can be a screwed up world when it comes to aging parents and their kids. God help us all.

I cannot agree more with all that has been said. I, too, am a person with a kind giving nature, have been accused of being too nice. But the selfish part of me wants more for the remainder of my life than juggling MY life to accommodate my mother's. My mom is very loving and not much bother now that she is in AL. But, I still can't help but think about the years *I* have left. How will I spend them? And why is it that my 3 siblings have left it all up to me??

I feel more and more resentment to my parents and ILs that never planned for anything beyond retiring and living the golden years. Their assumption (and demand) is that as they age and can no longer do or want to do what is needed to stay in their oversized houses - is their kids will step up and do it all. And help pay for it. No willingness to consider assisted living etc. to make their aging years more comfortable or getting help. Why should they when they have children? GRRRRR...........

Upstream, I hope you can keep some semblance of your own life. Our parents can expect too much from us as they get older. Your mother is still young enough that she can pick herself up out of the depression, instead of transferring her weight all on to you. We always feel under pressure to do things for our parents, but good hearts are easy to abuse. Is your mother under treatment for her depression? I know that her feeling better would make things better for you.

JessieBelle and CarlaCB, I can totally empathize with the way you feel!! I just turned 50 and my parents have totally hit the skids. They are only in their 70s. My mom is narrowing down her world to me and me only, very rapidly. If she lives as long as her mother, I will be 71 when she dies. So, really, I may spend my years from 50 to 71 having to derail my plans and the things I worked for, to be her only support? Not to mention I need to work full time for at least another 15 years. My parents were able to retire much younger than I will be able to, things have changed for older Americans, especially women.

I hear you, JessieBelle. There's no less productive or less fulfilling way to spend years of life than tending someone who only wants to sit in a chair, eat, and watch TV. That's my mother too. And my life has just taken a turn for the worse because my mother, after her third hospitalization this year, has been diagnosed with kidney disease and congestive heart failure. I am not living with my mother and tending her daily (and I don't know how anyone can do that, honestly), but my plans for the immediate future have just been tossed out the window. I planned to travel this summer. I planned to get a job so I could afford to travel more than I could otherwise. I definitely planned to return to my seasonal job after the first of the year, which I enjoyed tremendously and which became a sort of social life for me. Now it's all up for grabs. My mother has 5 more specialist appointments just through the end of this month, and who knows when the next crisis will be? I feel like I can't make any plans, take on any commitments, until she dies, and who knows how long they can keep her alive with all these hospital admissions just to stabilize her and all these specialists and drugs? Her life could not be more useless, and making my life useless to take care of hers so she can keep draining the energy of others for more years, it makes me very bitter and despairing. And my mother too is not the most pleasant person, to put it mildly. Rather, she uses her illness as an excuse to be even more demanding and self-centered than usual. It totally bites, being in this position. I wish you well. I wish both of us well.

A friend talked to me today and asked me how old I am. I told her 65. She said that my mother could last many more years and by the time she died I would be old or dead myself. I knew what she was saying was true. There is no less productive way to spend years of life -- caregiving so someone can watch TV in their home.

I like to be all noble and everything. But sometimes when I'm trying to go to sleep at night I think about how old I'm getting and how much more I need to do. My heart starts pounding like I'm scared. I am scared. I never planned on sacrificing such a huge part of my life to something that is important to only one person. Especially a person who had not been a good mother and who seems like she's going to live forever.

My views on life & aging have changed drastically. I used to believe the hogwash about aging gracefully with your adult children and your grandkids there to help. I used to picture life as full of possibilities and hope. These days, I am angry, depressed and more pessimistic than I ever thought possible. I used to be the one with the answers that rang out like Christmas bells, saying, "oh but look at the bright side. .." and always, always saw a bright side.

I really don't like this new me. And I really don't like getting old. And what I *really don't like* is - LIFE.

That scares me.

Nightmare1954 - My mother is just like yours, and I don't understand it either. She won't do anything for herself if she can possibly get someone else to do it, even things she's still capable of doing like making phone calls, organizing papers, etc. She has no interest in anything that doesn't provide instant gratification, and she no longer gets any gratification from accomplishing tasks or solving problems, even her own. To me it's just so mystifying, and I can't believe I'll ever be like that. I can't imagine wanting (let alone expecting) somebody else to do my basic household tasks and manage my schedule, finances and other affairs. It's beyond unproductive IMO - it borders on parasitic. I can't imagine, for myself, having any response to disability other than doing everything possible to work around it in order to maintain my independence and self-sufficiency as long as I can. I can't imagine just shrugging my shoulders and saying "Well, I guess it's time for other people to take care of me." Yuck!

No way would I ever want to live such an unproductive life as I see my parents live my mother sits in the recliner all day long demands to be fed and watches the same program over and over again. My father fell down some steps broke his hip and passed away after surgery peacefully . He was entering late-stage dementia . I have told my children that I will be keeping a stash of drugs someplace and they laugh at me and say how will you remember where you stashed them LOL but seriously I would never choose to live this way hopefully I remember where I stashed them drugs in 20 years .