How has caregiving changed your views of life and aging?

Nope caregiving hasn't changed my views on raging one iota - I don't want to be old, I don't want to grow old, I don't want anyone looking after me - I just want the right to die with dignity. Good grief I don't even want to cost the state much - One injection then off to the crematorium - done ..... sorted

Paula, beautifully, emotionally, insightfully and very poetic expression of your role as a caregiver. You've raised issues which aren't often expressed, shared thoughts which are too often missed in the stress of caregiving, and given new meaning to the role of caregiving.

YES - caregiving has changed my view of life and aging. Frankly, I'm darned proud to be the "child" in our small family to have my 90-year-old father in my home. Yes, it's stressful, expensive and crazy at times - but this is about family. My parents didn't have me to take care of them in their old age - my parents had me out of love. They took care of me when I couldn't walk, was incontinent, couldn't talk, couldn't read, couldn't drive, couldn't cook my own food, didn't have any money.....and then I grew up. I figure the very least I can do is return the favor when Pop's in the same shape I started out in.

My view of life has changed - I'm a better daughter, sister, mother and grandmother. I value life more. I value seeing a smile on the faces that I love. I cherish conversations with my father...and I find that I actually listen better. There are no "do-overs" when it comes to the end of life and I want no regrets in my heart. I want my father's last years on this earth to be surrounded by love and respect and comfort and peace - and if that means hours of my day are spent comparing adult diaper absorbency, so be it.

My children have the same values as my husband and I. I am immensely proud of them for their involvement in their grandparents' lives - and for going above and beyond for their Grandfather after my Mom's passing. Even if I do end up in a nursing home somewhere, I have no doubt that my children will be my stalwart advocates until I leave this earth. Seeing them in action in and around my parents these last few years has made that a concrete fact in my heart.

Good Lord - I could go on forever regarding how the last 5 1/2 years have changed me - in little ways of no real consequence and in great big life altering ways. I mentioned this one once before - I was watching an old movie with Sam Elliott starring - I'm crazy, hot for him. But I found myself thinking "yea, he's somewhere sitting in his Depends long about now". Then, hubby and I have been looking to buy a small beach house but I find myself looking at them on-line thinking "how would we get our oxygen tanks up those steps"? I'm 54, hubby 51 and no - neither one of us are on oxygen! I find myself looking around our house, considering ideas on how to modify it so we can stay here longer. I was surprised and sadden when I mentioned an idea to my hubby regarding a modification and he instantly replied with a similar idea - it showed me my journey into dementia and health issues with my folks has impacted him more than I thought. Sad. I contemplate whether to get new dogs after these two pass - they are ages 3 and 4. What if I can't change my Depends without getting poo all over me? Ive always loved a long, hot shower, will I develope an aversion to it? I've begun my long-term plan for placement/care for our disabled adult son - for after hubby and I pass. I'm having surgery in a few days to correct something that could be treated non-surgery for several years but would eventually need surgical correction. What if my dementia is too sevear to do the surgery later? Like I said - on and on. Thing is - my rational side says - live in the present. I could be hit by a bus tommorow...I get mad at myself for dwelling on the possibility of a rotten old age but yea, the past 5+ years of watching my parents deteriorate both physically and mentally - daddy suffering two years before he passed - yes, it's definately changed the way I think.

Jessie: I don't blame you for not trusting old people and men. I have been used by people in the past and put a stop to it! I tend to be helpful, then get stepped on! No more of that! I mean I still help people until they become wacko women who want you to spend the night because they're paranoid of their neighbor and ended up vandalizing the poor man's car! I am not about to get involved in the sleepover thing.

1) downsize and move into senior living before I become a burden on my son 2) plan my care myself and save money for it 3) take as good care of my health now as I can so that I can age as best as possible 4) don't become a demanding, unreasonable old bat :)

Except I trust in Him, who is my Savior.

Sniff :'(

So sorry Jessebelle.
I trust No One.

Thanks, send. Alas, I've lost my faith in old people and men. I don't think I'll be able to trust either again.

Jessebelle, Don't know how young or old you are, but much too young at heart for anyone over 55, imo.

Know when to walk away, know when to run....

Be sure to cash in your chips before you go.

Blackhole: You're absolutely correct. A cousin died at 66. Two friends died at 62 and 66. Two more 32 and 34. You never know when God calls you home.

I have changed a lot. Today a man was showing interest in me at church. I guess he is 80 years old or a bit more. He's a handsome man. He asked me if I was married or had a boyfriend. Then he started talking about himself and why he was in assisted living. He said he wanted to move back out. And silly me. Instead of being flattered that he was interested in me, all I could think is that he was looking for someone young enough to take care of him.

I have definitely changed in the way I view older people. I remembered the talk of the three 80+ year old men at the table about what they wanted if they should marry again -- a Christian woman young enough to take care of them who had her own money and would let him leave everything to his own children. All quid, no quo. What woman wouldn't want that?

Before being a caregiver, I trusted elderly people.

Blackhole, thanks for breathing life back into this thread.... I just spent time re-reading the postings, it was so good I had to read each and every one from the start. Some serious, some very entertaining.

I think back to when this thread started back in the summer of 2015 how much has changed in my life.... my Mom passed due to a serious fall.... and my Dad decided two weeks after my Mom passed that he was now ready for a senior living facility. Now I am up to my eyeballs trying to empty out their house of 70+ years of "stuff".

Dealing with all that "stuff" now makes me want to live simpler with less stuff of my own [sorry, George Carlin]. And I want to downsize as my house is turning out to be too much to clean and, I swear, the yard keeps doubling in size every year :P

"You've gotta know when to fold..."

M88

Yes, send. We arrive with nothing and we leave the same way.

Many times 1 child steps in to care for the elder, the other parent deceased, sacrificing their life, ability to work and earn/build a future, caring for years , living the daily trauma silently with no help....The elder is afraid alone even in daylight. meaning the care giver cannot be away from home long, not able to work a full time job or have a life. The care giving is trying as the elder becomes abusive to the care giver. Care givers lose hundreds of thousands of $ because the others do not care and leave the elder to fend for herself so the closest one steps in. Those estranged have no idea as they ignore the scale of how serious and traumatizing the daily drama can be, never realizing what the caregiver
has actually been suffering through, alone.
Seems the other estranged family or siblings come into the picture many many years later when the elder is near death, uses manipulation to convince the elder that the caregiver does not love them or other lies while the care giver never finds out until after the death.
Sadly, many times family or non family members who know the dynamic of the family can step in manipulating the estranged family as well as master minding the coercion knowing the lack of competence of the elder and the nature of the distance between the family members using it to manipulate the situation, in many cases disinheriting the care giving child and getting themselves named into the will. Although obvious, it happens.
The caregiver at that point normally has only what little the parent was going to leave them yet the others walk in and try to take it even so they neglected the parent and did nothing to help all the years before, having lived their lives free of this trauma and having been able to financially stabilize their own life and are not in need of the monies but taking it from greed and a sense of false entitlement. The money motivates them to blindly fall into the deceit of the conspiring NON family member and sometimes not so blindly....idea of money can make it so they don't want to see the truth. Legally this has gone under the radar for years until about 5 or so years ago

Hoping life is bearable, grrrrr!

Somewhere in the darkness, the gambler, he broke even....

And the best we can hope for is to die in our sleep. I have Kenny Roger's Gambler going through my head, which is really a song about death.

My mother died at 74. If one more person says, "She was so young," I might burst into flames. It's just a damm number.

Mom started declining in her mid-60s. Really started going down the chute at 70. Neurological disorders don't care what year you were born. They just attack until there's nothing left.

You'll never hear me fetishizing living to be 80, 90 or 100. Even if I'm healthy, I'll be out of money.

And just for the record: I'm not a miserable crank! I enjoy life. What I don't enjoy is soft-headed crazy talk.

Honest answer- i never would have had children if i knew how horrible aging has become and our world. Families were different in my moms day- everyone lived under one roof and shared in care giving. What a novel idea- family?

In watching my parents' end-of-life trials, I have started documenting and detailing different scenarios for when I get to be that age or ill. And my husband and I talk a lot about it. His parents are still healthy (thank goodness!), but has watched mine fail. He, in turn, talks to them about their wishes.

For example, if I come home to die, I want hospice! More for them to have access to support and information, than for me. And if I'm home on hospice and I start threatening to hit my kids because they are trying to get me into clean clothes? Then I want them to be comfortable with the decision to move me to a home. If I am scaring them, I don't want them to have to weigh the guilt against the threat in case I ever do throw a punch. I wouldn't want them to remember me that way.

Anyway, I give thought to those sorts of things. And especially, about planning for the expenses. We always think we have more time. And then one day, we just don't anymore. They may need to manage paperwork, but I'm going to work very hard in the years to come to make sure they have paper to manage!

I have a brother who pops in maybe once a year to visit Mom for a couple days. In his defense, he does live across the country and works. But he manages to take long vacations with his family...cruises, etc. I cant imagine how blissful it must be for a child to take NO responsibility for their aging parent, to leave EVERYTHING for the sibling to do. My brother supports my decisions but has never once offered to have Mom fly to his house for a few days or for him to come stay here a week or so to give me a break. Yes, I have great caregivers to help, but the bulk of managing her life falls on me, I realize that things could be worse when I read posts from other caregivers but now that I have to start making decisions about AL or memory care for her, it's daunting and I'm getting more resentful every day. Its been 3.5 years that I have managed her care and despite the dementia, she is healthy as a horse physically so this could easily continue for another 6-8 years. Just so draining....

Doesn't seem fair, huh. In the beginning I just couldn't except that I was going to be taking care of Mom. It came on the heels of watching GSon for 20 months from infancy fulltime. I have two brothers, one the better than the other. Feel like they forgot they have a Mom. Look at it as I won't have any guilt when she is gone except, patience I have a problem with. I also believe what goes around comes around. Later in life they will need help and I hope their kids r willing to take care of them because...I'm going to live my life for my own two girls, Gsons, and husband.
Plus, I'm 7 and 11yrs older so I may be too old anyway. :)

Yes it is hard caring for my Mother, I have a brother and sister who don't assist very much. I feel like you I want to scream. I'm 61 years old and Mom is 82. I love my mother but caring for Mother by myself is hard,

I am a late-in-lie baby and I have one, too. My parents were 39 & 54 when In was born. It would be expected that Mom would be the survivor; actually, she developed cancer when I was 11 and died when I was 17; Dad was retired and a great caregiver. He only lived five years after that; I think concern for me was what kept him going after Mom left; when I got engaged, he went downhill fast.
My youngest son was born when I was 39, and my husband was 55. He developed lymphoma at 69, did three rounds of chemo over ten years and the last one failed. But--my older kids were 40, 38, & 36, and the youngest 24. They, and their spouses, were helped me cope and were great, and fortunately, there was no dementia involved. At this point, I'm in pretty good shape, refuse to take prescription meds (keep my blood sugar and pressure OK with diet and supplements. Frankly, I got off of the meds because of the side effects.) I intend to keep busy as long as I can. Sold my house last year, so that's taken care of. My kids have taken over some of my business affairs, and I pray for good mental and physical health (pretty typical of most of my family).

Watching my in-laws grow old has made me live in the present. I'm having my fun now, taking those trips, watching those movies, eating that bread with butter, and drinking that wine or vodka. Everything in moderation including exercise. I want to smell that fresh air today. I want to take the long or scenic way home today. If things go south there's time to prepare. Even people with kids have to prepare for themselves. No one can be a 24/7 caregiver. I don't want to live in an institution or have heroic measures taken to keep me alive for a few more months. At first my in-laws were aging gracefully but then somewhere around 75 the wheels started coming off the bus. I hope to be ready but I certainly don't want to hang on the way my in-laws seem to be. In my mind I see myself walking until the end, perhaps poking people with my cane to get them out of my way because I need to get to the butcher so that I can make beef burgundy.

JackieMiller - I don't do the bathing and dressing, or help with medications either, and my Mom doesn't even live with me, but I still consider myself a caregiver. The reason is that I'm pretty much a hostage to my mother's disabilities. If my Mom were able to take care of herself and her own home (meaning driving, shopping, laundry, maintenance, etc.) I would be still be living up North and living a much different life. I haven't left the state of Florida in almost 5 years, because the length of time I'd need for a proper vacation is longer than my Mom can manage without someone around. I would say that any person whose daily life is seriously altered by the having to meet the needs of a disabled person qualifies as a caregiver. Yes I too have huge respect for those who have to deal with dressing, bathing, incontinence, or other physical care issues. I can't imagine doing it, actually. For a spouse maybe (I'm divorced) but not for a parent. Yet I know a lot of people out there do.