I took care of my mother for the past two years. On Monday, my time as her main caregiver came to an end. She was 95, and, as I was told, lived past her expiration date; but still it was a sad day. It seems so surreal....
Somehow I was expecting that I would immediately be able to sleep later and not have to go to her house every day. I thought that I would stay home and just clean my house for a change. So far, none of that has happened. Even when I get home early enough, I have to force myself to do something — and it’s not the cleaning I set out to do. I feel like I am trying to beat the depression.
I have never been through this before and am now overwhelmed with all the loose ends to be tied up — like cleaning up her bedroom, arranging to have the hospital bed and wheelchair picked up, contracting with the cremation service, contacting a lawyer about the Will, worrying about a memorial service (though I have tried to pass that on to my siblings, no one is making a decision...”It’s no rush” my one brother says....).... It still seems like my (much older) siblings are not doing what I had hoped or asked of them — to take over the responsibility.
I realize it has only been a few days, but how long does it take before you feel like life is back to normal (whatever that is....)?
It changes as time goes along - morphing from one thing into something else.
I’m better than I was, but not as good as I use to be - before it all.
I think its fair to say you’ll never be the person you use to be. How could you? The experience from beginning to end changes you. Into something different. But with time and effort I do believe it can be just that - not less than, hopefully better than - with wisdom and lessons learned. But definitely different.
I think I know now that there is no such thing as normal. And that has to be okay I guess.
I think any time you sacrifice for someone you become a greater version of yourself even if it may not seem so right now.
You know, so,many of us have had a whirlwind. Getting care. Selling properties to,pay for care. Dementia behaviors. Putting on psych meds to deal with same. Feeling like an ass for doing.
I am still sorting out my feelings here on a multitude of issues. And frankly you have caregiver PTSD. Whether at home with you, or in a facility.the feelings don't change.
All of us going through this, gosh. Wish i had some magic words. I don't.but I am right there with you.
Strength and peace to us all.
I am trying to get my siblings to handle the memorial service and luncheon afterwards, but somehow I think I should have just done it myself.... I am being sucked in anyway. Like today, my sil texted me and told me that their priest friend can do the service on the date we selected. She told me to call my sister and have her call the church to see if the chapel was available. Why couldn't she have called my sister, or better yet, tell my brother (her husband!) to call my sister??? It is hard dealing with 5 siblings, trying to coordinate, get everyone's input.
Give yourself some time. Your grief is very new and that alone can be overwhelming. There are tasks to be done that have to do with the loose ends (the hospital bed, cremation); those can be useful "distractors" from the grief.
If you delegate tasks to your siblings, let them do it their way.
Are you the executrix of the will?
It takes time to get back to any semblance of "normal". Please be gentle with yourself and remember that we're here. (((((Hugs))))))).
Grieving takes a long time. I was with my Dad and those last few hours entered my dreams for months as I second guessed myself and every move made or thing said, or not said. I was 5 time zones away when Mom passed away quietly in her sleep so my feelings are different. Although I am spacey and forgetful (left my purse at a restaurant the other night) and clumsy ( tripped on a speed bump in a parking lot last week) and have a difficult time focusing or following ( or making) conversation, I know these moments will end. My new focus will be on learning to be the best elder I can be.
Uneasiness about leaving the house without handing over to a caregiver first takes some months.
It's now been over three years, and I'm coming to the conclusion that I am just not the same person any more.
Each anniversary and holiday gets easier year by year. First birthday, Christmas, Mothering Sunday etc. are going to be tricky. Fortunately, you only have to pass these milestones one at a time - whereas I think you might possibly be trying to do them all at once.
You have had a week. Why do you have to "beat" anything? Don't you deserve time to grieve?