How long do most people grieve the death of a parent?

Hi Marcia,
I am very sorry for your loss. I agree with many that posted taking care of yourself and doing things when you don't feel like it will help you start feeling like living again.

My loss is much more recent. I lost my mom three weeks ago. The first two weeks I was so busy with the service preparation and taking care of things for my dad, I just sort of walked through what needed to get done (no sibling support at all). Now this week, week three, I've been so sad. I have adrenal insufficiency and couldn't get off the couch yesterday. Maybe things are catching up with me. I feel like it's not fair for me to be sad because I asked God not to let my mom suffer anymore. It's all so confusing. I was my moms primary caregiver since 2012/13. I've always been super close to my mom and we did everything together. Now, I rack my mind trying to remeber my mom when she wasn't sick and I can't. I'm told the memories will come back, but I don't have one memory of before. I know intellectually what is fact, but the memories escape me. For now, I will continue to run and try to get through.

That's an impossible question, for which there is no right answer. A lot has to do with how old the parent and child were, but even then, no one is the same. I'm sixty, and we lost my father over 20 years ago, yet the I can still tear up on occasion, and I just appreciate having that much feeling for those I love.

Grieving the loss of a loved one continues, to one degree of severity or another, for the rest of your life. My father died suddenly in 1962, when I was 18 years old. I was treated by a psychiatrist for severe depression for several months then finally recovered to the point I could get on with my life, including 8 years in the USAF, three years teaching public school, two masters degrees, 35 years working professionally with mentally disabled individuals, four kids and 7 grandkids. My mother died in 2000 following a terminal illness--being older and better prepared, I handled it much better (I thought). My wife suggested we attend a grief counseling seminar offered by our local hospice organization. During the sessions I was surprised (and relieved) to learn I was not only grieving loss of my mother, but still grieving the loss of my father and the loss of my firstborn child from 30 years earlier.
Grieving is a process (see Kubler-Ross). It lasts a lifetime. As time goes by, you learn to live with the loss, the pain becomes dulled (and in my case, pretty much forgotten), but it never really goes away.
God bless you for your loss and what you are going through.

Honey, It depends on the person. My dad died in 2008 I still grieve for hi. Sometimes grief therapy works better than trying to do it on your own. Check your area for a unit that may have free one on one therapy sessions available. Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers.

I wonder if a faith community could help you with this. An important thing I have come to believe is that a person's soul still loves you though they have passed on into the spiritual world--the love doesn't stop. And I have been taught that doing good deeds in their name and praying for them helps their soul advance closer to God. I think of my mom and dad and grandparents every day, though they have been gone many years. And when I find myself doing something good for someone else, I know where that impulse and teaching came from and think of them. All of us will face loss, but from loss comes a sense of compassion and understanding towards others having the same experience. It is an important attribute to have in the next "life." I find myself with an attitude of gratefulness towards the loved ones that have passed from my life for the love the gave me, their care, and their teachings. These are difficult times for you, filled with emotions, but when you can turn this around and look at the positives for these loved ones being in your life, for me it makes it not so painful. I can celebrate their life by recalling the good moments and by remembering them with loving deeds and actions. Sometimes, it is almost like they are with me...and who knows, perhaps they are.

Dear Marcia, as others suggest, a period of withdrawal may be a sign of depression, which would be quite natural, but consider that quiet/inward focused time may be what you need. It sounds like you are still in a difficult and demanding situation. I could not fully mourn my Mom until my Dad also passed, due to the responsibilities of caring for him. It lingered and then wow it hit with a ton of bricks again. Also, some people start mourning a loved one in the stage your dad is in now. We're not all extroverts, energized by being and doing with others, either. I wish there wasn't so much pressure to act rosy and "get on with it" when that's not reality. If the will to get out of bed is hard or your heart is palpitating, I urge you to seek medical help. But on the flipside, don't put too much pressure on yourself to act or feel "normal" either. After caring for and losing my parents, I find it's something only others in a similar situation can remotely relate too. A year is a landmark, but I can't think of anyone I know who was close with their parent(s) who didn't feel tired and a daily tug until a few years had passed, let alone have all the finances and such buttoned up. It does get better, and a PCP consult is a very good idea, but allow your grief to follow your own path and know you are not alone in it taking more than a year to recover your daily luster from losing a parent/having another so ill.

Whatever "normal" is depends on you. You obviously are depressed, so seek professional help and either get counseling and/or medication. You do not have to suffer! As far as the death of a parent, I can only speak from experience. My father died when I was 12 yrs., and my mother when I was 54 yrs., and I still miss them and think of them often. Why would you want to get "over" missing a parent if that parent instilled all the positive values you may have now? Do not allow anyone to tell you there is a timetable for grieving. Each grieves in their own time and way. I am sorry for your loss. (Maybe your father knows something his doctors do not know...)

How long you grieve after a parent passes? It varies from person to person. I read somewhere it is approximately 3 years to adjust to the loss. It could be shorter, it could be longer. After I lost my dad in 2000, it was probably that long. It helps to keep busy... distractions are good.

We grieve at different paces and at different times. Most begin to grieve at the time of the death, some don't grieve or show outward grief at the immediate time and only until another event does the grief wash over one.
I love the book by Theresa Rando, an internationally known grief counselor, called How to go on living when someone you lives dies. This book addresses expected death due to long term illness, unexpected death, suicide and death of children. It was given to me by a friend who lost her son due to the bombing of PanAm 103 for a friend who lost her spouse in a plane crash. Over the past 20 years I have given to many friends and family members as a gift of healing. It is available on Amazon.

Marcia, I'm so sorry about your loss. I lost my dad October 31, 2015 and am also having a tough time. My mother is still alive at 91, and has told me, "Do not grieve for me. I've had a good life and I'm not sorry to go." Of course, you know I'll grieve. I'm still grieving for my dad, as his last months were unpleasant. He was 92 so I know he had a full life and did many wonderful things just as he wanted most of his years, so I think I'm grieving more for how he died than that he's no longer with us. When I lost my son to a house fire five years ago, I sank into a deep, dark hole, staying in my bed in the dark for several months. It wasn't until friends forced me to come out into the light and live again that I could function. I will never "get over" my son and his father's loss, but acceptance enabled me to function again. So I get out of bed, tend to my pets--pets are wonderful for keeping you busy and in the world--and take each day as it comes. Some are good, some are bad, but I know tomorrow is another chance. I think of my father every day, and mourn him still, but it gets easier with the passage of time. I have no answer for how long it takes, as each person finds their own way through the shadows at their own pace. Just know that you will get through it because your father is still with you in your heart. No one can take him away from there. Sending hugs and best wishes to you.

I've just re-read the comments and would like to share something else about memories. Your 1st year is a difficult one due to the adjustments in your life.
We live in a world of marketing ploys which demand we celebrate with abandonment Mother's Day, Father's Day, Grandparents' Day, specific religious holidays as well as civic holidays which our dearly departed one(s) held very close to their heart After my dad died in April 1988, my birthday was a month later - what a void in my life even though the family and friends were determined to celebrate it, then Father's Day - I started crying in the card section because I could not buy my dad a greeting; the following year I turned 40 and the family threw me a 'surprise birthday' party which was NOT fun; and the 2nd year after my dad's passing I graduated from college with my BA which again was a bittersweet celebration. However, with a great deal of hard work on my part I have now incorporated my dad into my life and call upon him more often lately due to issues with my mom (89) and disabled sister (65). He gives my brother and me the strength to meet these challenges squarely with clarity, tactful force and humor.
Don't be afraid to talk to friends, especially acquaintances. I found acquaintances offered the best advice because they had been through this process and related to my pain in those early days. We often joked and called ourselves semi-orphans. Turn the grief into a positive because it is there to calm you and allows you to grow.

Hi Marciad5,

You have certainly had a stretch of loss. It frequently happens when in a marriage one spouse passes the other will also within a few months to years. There is even a diagnosis of Broken Heart Syndrome that is recognized by the American Medical Association.

Adult children frequently have some depression surrounding the loss of a parent.
This is especially true if the child is especially close to the parent. And grieving is an emotion that requires work. There are five stages to grieving. And when we allow ourselves to get stuck in the process of grieving it may be time for some proffessional help. And when I say 'professional' this may come from a grief counselor, a Hospice worker, perhaps a person educated in grief fro the religious affilation you attend. Some of these may cost money and others will not.

There is absolutely no shame in searching out the help of a grief specialist. And since your father seems to need some coaching as well, this may be the time for a familysession. You know many, many people chose to have this type of help. Usually there is a feeling of 'we do not share with others outside the immediate family' or we are unaware of how others talk of death.

Keeping a journal is a great guide to being able to see the ups and downs and very possibly what has precipatated these swings. Sometimes we can work through our feelings by physical exercise (I am aware this may not be an option for your father) however you might want to use this tool. The important thing is to keep trying to work through the emotions and don't keep them bottled up inside. We each can look at our life and see something that will help us. Puting some socially acceptable physical release to our emotions is another positive way to continue to work through them.

I once knew a woman who used baking to bring all of her emotions to the surface. She baked pies and bread. She was very good at the kneading and punching the dough. Many a time I would walk in and see her crying as she kneaded the bread dough. But when we sat down to each that bread or piece of pie, she would always talk about how her mother loved that recipe.

I really hope this will help a little. It truly goes without saying why there are pillows in Assisted Livings which say 'Aging is not for wimps'. Don't ever loss the courage to take the next step in healing.

Please disregard my last post. The article went to post without me. I will repost today. Thank you.

Hello Marcia5

***This is the article after I had a chance to get it ready***

You have certainly had a stretch of loss. I am so sorry. We can get you through this. Frequently in a marriage one spouse passes the other will also pass within a few months to years. There is even a diagnosis of Broken Heart Syndrome that is recognized by the American Medical Association. This diagnosis does not have specificity to be only between spouses. Adult children frequently have some depression surrounding the loss of a parent. This is especially true if the child is extremely close to the parent. And grieving is an emotion that requires work. There are five stages to grieving. And when we allow ourselves to get stuck in the process of grieving it may be time for some professional help. And when I say 'professional' this may come from a grief counselor, a Hospice worker, perhaps a person educated in grief from the religious affiliation the person attends. Some of these may cost money and others will not.
There is absolutely no shame in searching out the help of a grief specialist. And since your father seems to need some coaching as well, this may be the time for a family session. Many people chose to have this type of help. Usually there is a feeling of 'we do not share with others outside the immediate family' or we are unaware of how others talk of death or simply don’t talk about it at all.
Keeping a journal is a great guide for one to be able to see the ups and downs and very possibly what has precipitated these swings. Sometimes we can work through our feelings by physical exercise (I am aware this may not be an option for your father) however you might want to use this tool. The important thing is to keep trying to work through the emotions and don't keep them bottled up inside. We each can look at our life and see something that will help us. Putting some socially acceptable physical release to our emotions is another positive way to continue to work through them.
I once knew a woman who used baking to bring all of her emotions to the surface. She baked pies and bread. She was very good at the kneading and punching the dough. Many a time I would walk in and see her crying as she kneaded the bread dough. But when we sat down to each of those baked goods, she would always talk about how her mother loved that recipe.
I really hope this will help a little. It truly goes without saying why there are pillows in Assisted Livings that say 'Aging is not for wimps'. Don't ever loss the courage to take the next step in healing. This is so important for you as well as each member of your family.

Grieving is a personal thing. I come from a family that excepts death pretty well. Yes, I miss the ones that have passed. Some too early. I realize my Mom will not live forever. We feel if she knew her final days would be spent with Dementia, she would rather not be here. If your grief starts to intrude on you going on with yourlife, maybe talking to a professional would be wise. You need to be excited about this new life. This baby will be a blessing. Your Mom lived a good life as did your Dad. Remember the good things. Jo

There is no right or no wrong answer here. The grieving process is one's individual needs.You cannot say "oh, the person left here on this God-given earth can only grieve for, e.g. 56 and 3/4 days." Then on day # 57, they put on their "happy face." No, it doesn't work that way. Interestingly enough, back from days of yore, grievers wore black for long periods of time.

If we have been close to Mom and she passes on, it leaves a big hole in our heart that is never completely filled. Every close person that passes affects us in a different way, and for different lengths of time. There is no normal - even for the same person losing different ones in their family, so don't be hard on yourself. The loss of moms, dads, spouses, and children are all devastating but affect the same person differently. I know because I have been through them all. There is a group that you may want to look into that might help some. Forgive me if this has been already suggested as I do not have time to read all of these responses. The group is called Grief Share and meets for a period of 13 weeks. If you Google it, you can find where there are meetings close to you and when they are being held. They gently help, guide, and show you steps to soften the grieving some. It helps tremendously just to be able to share with others what you've gone through and how you're feeling. Sometimes just getting those words out in the open, with others who are going through the same thing and understand, can help tremendously. You can also get good ideas from others on things they have done to help. Even though your mom has been gone a year, it's not too late. Some people even take the sessions over and over again. They are free to take though some groups charge a small fee for a workbook. You watch a very sweet and informative video with each meeting and then just share what's going on with the others and they share with you. Could help with going through the process with your father too. God bless.

Marcia, you can grieve as long as you need to. Don't let any trace of guilt or shame touch you.
But after a year, I think you deserve to get some relief from your incapacitating sadness. Please do seek help, and please agree to try an antidepressant. There are several types, and if you don't like the first one, tell your doctor you need a change.
An antidepressant isn't at all like "taking drugs." It won't bliss you out, but it should take the edge off your pain, and allow you to find some pleasure in your life. It is no more a crutch than insulin is. For some reason, your body is producing the wrong balance of chemicals. From what you say, you sound like you can barely function. I'm familiar with that feeling, and when I feel like that, I can't get s#!$ done. You are not much use to anyone the way you feel now. Get help, and you will be glad you did.
The suggestions about controlling the direction of your thoughts are good. I recommend having something you really enjoy for breakfast every day. If it's OJ or coffee, roll it around on your tongue for a sec, and notice how it tastes. Take a moment to enjoy the clouds and birds and flowers. This won't cure you, but it will crack open the door so recovery will begin.
I wish you the best.

Grief is a very individual process depending on one's attachment to the individual who passed. There is no time line. I lost my brother on January 27 after a battle with pancreatic cancer. Our mother is in a nursing home. It has been very difficult as I am my mother's POA. My brother and I were very close. I think of him every single day; I am sad that he is no longer present in my life. Memories are comforting, but I miss my brother every day. My stepfather...and youngest brother who passed...I do not grieve as intensely because they were difficult personalities, and my attachment to them was different. However, I do grieve. Grief, to me, is about processing the feelings of sadness and finding some meaning in the loss. A group or individual counseling may help. Hospice is wonderful. Peace...

I appreciate all of the encouragement by everyone. My dad is right now back in the hospital ER. We think he never recovered from his earlier fight with pneumonia plus he has some other issues. I already take antidepressants and have for years but might have to make a change. I'm so lucky to have a wonderful supportive husband as I'm an only child. My dad can't last much longer, his poor body is just worn out and weary. Once he passes I'll be able to grieve for both my parents and learn how to be happy again

It took me two years to get passed the most profound depth of my grief for my father. But I wasn't his primary caregiver. I am for my mother, however. I plan on making use of bereavement support groups. CT Hospice has them and I suspect other placescdo, too.

I'm sorry about your Mom....my mom died in January 2015. I think you need to grieve as long as YOU need to. My mom had been sick with Alz. for so long that for me, I was glad for her release from this most awful disease. I had been grieving her loss (to me) for many years before she died! She really hadn't known me for years. The end came one night when both my Dad and I were holding her hands...her breathing had been so harsh, my dad had fallen asleep holding her hand, clasped in both of his. I was awake and listening to her breathing....and then it stopped, and all I could think was that she was finally free from pain. I mourned her loss, but not like my dad. She had been the focus of his life for over 65 years, he missed her, the person she had been to him...I remembered her as she HAD been and was glad of her release from this most awful disease.

Marcia and friends I'm sorry for the loss of your loved ones. All the advice I've been reading is certainly a good way to go with your feelings. Trust me when I say all the pills and therapy might be useful, but in reality you still own the grief that neither will make go away. The age old adage that "time heals all wounds" holds true for some yet as I observed, many people have a difficult time with the loss of loved ones. I lost both dad first and mom 8 years later which brought sadness for awhile but as each year passed my grief diminished. Yes, I'll admit there are days when the urge to pick up the phone to call them as I used to do still becomes one of those "reality" moments that haunts me for awhile. I should admit, however, they lived in Florida and because I can't travel the impact is not as strong although I was there when my father died and the total experience remains as real as the day he died twelve years ago. To not ever see the person again who was an integral part of your life is a powerful concept to live with. I believe my coping stra

You may find this article helpful for distracting your brain from grief: Advice for the Aging: Learn Something ‘Different and Hard’ http://ww2.kqed.org/forum/2016/06/08/advice-for-the-aging-learn-something-different-and-hard/

Dear Marciad5,

I'm sorry to hear of the passing of your mother. Lots of good advice in all of these responses. :-)

My father passed away 3+ years ago from complications with pneumonia and 10+ years of Parkinsons. My sister, who was the primary caregiver, went to her doctor and got on Prozac for a while to help. I probably should have done the same, I was depressed and just doing the bare necessities.

I let nutrition go, I let my physical well-being go and inside, I felt very little. I understand now that grief is a roller-coaster of a ride. There's no going back to normal but rather, finding a NEW normal. There will be days that it feels like 100 ft waves are crashing in and the next day you just have one foot in a small puddle.

My advice. Cry when you feel like crying, don't stuff your feelings down. Yes, sometimes you have to force yourself outside but its worth it to get those happy hormones a'flowin. There's nothing wrong with going to the doc and asking for a prescription to help. I actually ended up going into therapy and that was what I needed more than anything. Friends were great for pick me ups. My children (7 and 8) inspired me to find a healthier way of working through my grief.

I will never get over the death of my mother and father, who died within 2 days of one another. With the exception of unfortunate folks who have dysfunctional families, parents tend to be the people who know us best, the people we are closest to, people who do not divorce us, and who are always there for us. For adults, the loss of parents is a very dramatic loss that is hardly ever discussed.

I don't consider myself a religious person and I wish my Faith was stronger than it is, but its nice to believe that our loved ones are going to a better place. I have seen a mother who lost her college age son to juvenile diabetes. She was thankful that she had the time she did with him. My Mom is 88 with Dementia. She is not going to be with us much longer. She realizes there is something wrong and is ready to go. She was a good Mom and we were close but when her time comes I will let her go.

My mother died October 20,2015. You are on a roller-coaster and will not "get over it" but you will find a little bit of comfort when its time. Your dad's condition is probably contributing to your pain and I can't image how you are coping. I'm still sad and joyless most of the time and don't have patience or confidence I had but I am slowly feeling stronger longer and more often. Try not to miss the family events you can go home later and cry but life for others is going on and they deserve you and you deserve to be happy again. Your mother would want that for you and. Strength and love to you.

Marcia, condolences on the loss of your mothers. No doubt it is painful and there is no timetable because everyone is different, and the circumstances are different. Compounding your grief is the expectation that your father will soon follow your mother. There is an end in sight but it is not visible, and not knowing what will happen (and when) is stressful and making it hard for you to actually "move on" with your own life. I think the answer more to the point is how do you get over your depression and stress which is ongoing. A doctor would help with antidepressants or maybe talking to a therapist or minister. Writing your feelings on this forum will help also.
Freqflyer and I had similar circumstances with our mothers and we helped each other just being able to express feelings. Mom passed a few months ago, at 101. In the end she was in a NH, bedridden, in pain, suffering from dementia, deafness, fractures and needing to be fed and diapered. When she passed, it was a blessing, and none of us actively grieved because we had done that for 10 years. I miss the person she was. I often think about her, but as others have mentioned, I keep in my head the last few months and the last few years when she was so difficult despite my sister and I doing everything in our power to please her and make her happy. I am still recovering my health from the stress of it all (In two weeks I will be 70)
I am now moving on with my life, and as time goes by, although I am not actively grieving, there is the presence and thought of her, knowing she is in a better place.

So sorry for your loss. Everyone has a different way to handle loss and a different time frame. Remember the good times and smile. I think every once in a while "Oh I haven't talked to Mom this week, I have to call her ... ". She passed in 1996.