Mamma is on her 11th year of living with my husband and me. Since my daddy died, our lives have revolved around mamma. We have moved twice, both times building a house that included a bedroom, living room, and handicapped bathroom just for her.
My mother just entered in-home hospice. I am bathing her, taking her to the toilet, dressing her, etc... I am feeling guilty because I want this to all be over for her (to relieve suffering) and for us (so we can get our life back and spend more time with our kids and grandkids). We are both so utterly exhausted.
I feel so bad because, today, I was looking at the average timelines for preactive and active death, trying to determine when we all might have some relief. My worst fear nowadays is that this situation will drag out.
What is wrong with me?!?!?!
My Mom just turned 100. Mom has been living with me for three years; I've been taking care of her for nearly six. She has advanced dementia. Fortunately, my Mom is able to do bathroom duties herself (as best as she can, I suppose). But, as a single woman of 73, I am exhausted and wanting it all to be over.
She has no life and neither do I. We are both miserable. She wishes to die -- has said so repeatedly not only to me but to others.
I don't know what you mean by "proactive and active death." I keep wondering how long this too will "drag out."
Some people will tell you they wish their parents were still alive so they could take care of the parents one more day. Yeah. Sure. One more day, yes. How about one more decade? They weren't saying that when the parents were alive. I haven't read anyone on here saying: "I want this stressful burn out care giving situation with my demented parents to go on for another 10 years." Nope. Haven't seen that at all. So, don't let those people make you feel guilty about wanting relief.
I sat beside my dying mom's beside & realized we treated our dying cat better by just helping her to go than we, as a society, were treating mom's body which needed to be drugged from the pain because her mind had left some time before [dementia]
Your mom is important to you but so are other members of the family - it is exhausting having so many silver chains of love pulling in so many ways but try to remember that without all those tugs at you just how barren your life would be -
There is life after care giving but you might be surprised at how much of an adjustment it can be - try to look at pix of the good times when you were a child to help reset your mind's image of her - a good part of your present routine is focused & centred on her so expect start doing a caretaking task automatically & then remember you don't need to do it anymore .... that's when it will hit you the most that she is gone
I wrote up a paper that I gave to everyone at the funeral of '10 things you didn't know about mom' & I included her quirky hole in one in golf - most liked it better than the 'official' one from the funeral home
Talk with your hubby about needs that your each have that are not being met: intimacy, date nights, time with kids, time with grandchildren, time with friends. time to relax…. Discuss a way to get those needs met while also making sure mamma's needs are met. It is OK, probably more likely vital, that you get time off from providing care.
As an RN, I have taken care of many patients in the process of dying. Some hold on until all family members have come to say good bye. Others hold on until all loved ones are gathered with them. Some need to know that it's ok to let go of life. Some need to know that any "life work" or "issues" are being taken care of. And some want privacy at the end and will wait until all people are out of the room.
God seems to work out the timing with most folks to fulfill "the need". However, nobody - except God - can tell exactly when death will occur. Stop waiting for the inevitable and make lie enjoyable for mamma and yourselves.
We just have to be strong
“I wondered so often how her death would come, and especially when, how soon, how much longer,
And how it would feel, will there be pain? How will it end? How will it feel? And when?
And how much of that questioning was about her, and how much about me?
When she came to live nearby at age 91, I couldn’t keep my distance anymore At first I thought the burden would crush us both
I resented the new anxieties she added to the ones I had been cultivating all my life in the garden she helped me plant long ago.
she came to live nearby and her fears and needs came to live in my head alongside my own.
I often felt there wasn’t room.
my actions were exemplary, and I flatter myself that she never noticed any flaw in the feelings behind them. Her smile always showed the purest delight in seeing me, especially as she became less and less sure when she had seen me last.
I longed to feel the same delight, unsullied by any thoughts less worthy.”
when I read that, I felt like somebody understood me. I hope you feel that, too.
1) You are damaging your own health.
2) Your mother's needs at this point can be better met by round-the-clock caregivers than exhausted family members.
It is time for in patient hospice.
How are things going?
My Dad had cancer & I knew he was suffering & there was no hope for improvement. The night before he passed he went into a coma & I went home & prayed for God to take him.
It was time & I knew it was for selfish reasons that I wanted him to keep going.........I didn’t want to lose him.