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I felt obligated to care for my parents. They’d made no alternative plan. They didn’t talk about it. They didn’t take care of their parents in any difficult or meaningful way, and their parents died in their 60s and 70s. They had no idea of the commitment, exhaustion and difficulty they would cause by living into their 90s. This needs to be a discussion ongoing with every parent: what will you do to provide for yourself when you can’t take care of yourself?

Too many elders have no idea. They apparently expect a miracle on their behalf, something that will magically happen to stop their aging process, replenish their bank accounts and provide perfect care unending till their soul decides to depart on the wings of a dove or some such stupidity. Are we beginning to resent this enough to revolt?

Because it doesn’t happen that way. Ever.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2023
I agree that the subject should be addressed before the time comes that parents are in need of care. Excellent point!

My daughters told me that they wanted to care for me when I get older like I did for my mom and dad.

I told my daughters that I do not expect them to care for me.
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Spot on. Could not have said it better .
Hubby and I right now are frequently saying to each other that we don’t want to do this to our children. Hopefully we don’t. It can’t always be helped when they have dementia and lose insight .
However, in general I agree that many of our parents also don’t realize what caregiving entails because they did not do it for their parents. If they did they wouldn’t ask us to do it. I call what happens today to the elderly is they live a long dependent slow death .
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2023
So true!

I don’t want my daughters caring for me. We raise them to be independent. I want them to live life for themselves.
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Excellent Post, yes in heat of the moment promises are made that should not be,

I could never be a live in caregiver to anyone, I have 2 in homes, one AL, the other MC. They are well cared for, safe and where they should be.

My brother & I have done our duty, we also care about us, our lives. The one in Al is 98, she has had a good life and actually likes being there, new friends, activities, she doesn't have to lift a finger, this is great,

IMO it is very selfish to strap a child into promising to take care of the other spouse and never put in a home, most of these parents are living in the past before there were so many nice facilities or they are deep into religion and quote the bible for their own needs.

Unfortunately, many use guilt as a weapon to control another. Sad.

Sorry that you had to deal with this mindset.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2023
Thanks, MeDolly

Your response was lovely. You summed up things so well. I appreciate that you understand how these situations occur.

You did it the correct way! Unfortunately, I was completely blind and caught up in my own emotions.
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