My mom was in my last 18 mo with the last month seeing decline in her health. She slowly stopped eating, lost weight, slept a lot. We did comfort care only and then hospice for one eeek. Last month two days in a row she was unresponsive, dusky, skin clammy then she woke up and talked with us. Over last few weeks she did sleep a lot but would wake up and have a few short words with us. Once hospice got involved they upped the morphine and she was less restless but slept more. She had started on morphine because when we thought she was dying those couple times she was very agitated and restless and I didn’t want her to be agitated. I can’t let go of the nagging question if we hadn’t done drugs round the clock maybe I’d still have her? Over past year we’ve had many tough days, days where I cry all way home and actually wished for a peaceful death in her sleep, it’s eating me up now. Can’t sleep, feel like I’m having heart attack sometimes and have gone from can’t eat to can’t stop eating. They gave me Xanax but am afraid to NEED a drug to get thru the day. My husband is retiring today and next week my daughter is moving 1000 miles away after graduation from college! How much stress can one do?
I am guessing that you work in Obstetrics, which deals with the "bringing of life into the world". And now you have had to deal with the other end of the spectrum: "allowing life to leave the world". Based on the questions on your profile, you have had a very difficult 3+ years during which time you and your family lived with your Mother. Maybe you asked the questions about hospice and the use of morphine because you don't use that in Obstetrics very often.
Watching a loved one die is hard. Being a nurse and watching a loved one die is harder. Being a daughter of a Mother who is emotionally abusive and living with her for 3+ years is even harder. And now your life is changing even more: your Mother died, your husband is retiring, and your daughter is moving miles away from home (and you). That is more than enough to stress out anyone.
You have had to deal with SO MUCH the past few years with your Mother. You wrote 3 years ago: "I never do anything right, never do enough, run too much, work too much, etc. I am to the point that I really don't even like her. Then I feel overwhelming guilt. I'm not gonna change her, how do I deal with this."
I would like to advise that you talk to a counselor about your feelings towards your Mother and her death along with your feelings about all of the changes that you are experiencing. Does your employer offer an "Employee Counseling Service"? If you feel that you don't want to talk to your employer about finding counseling, then ask your co-workers or the Social Service Department of the hospital or clinic that you work at. They might be able to give you the names of some good counselors.
You stated, "They gave me Xanax but am afraid to NEED a drug to get thru the day." Honey, you DO NEED medication to help you get through the day...at least for now. If you think that XANAX might be too strong for you, maybe you can ask your doctor for something not as powerful...such a KLONOPIN (clonazepam) which has been used for panic disorders or anxiety. I know a couple of professional healthcare workers who have used 'clonazepam' and said that this medication did not make them as drowsy as Xanax nor did it impair their ability to perform their jobs as healthcare workers.
You may find that going back to work will be cathartic and that your co-workers will be quite supportive of you and your grieving. You may find that when you assist with a delivery of a baby that you start crying. That is okay. You are thinking about your Mother and how she brought you into this world (and while she may not have been the best of Mothers), SHE WAS YOUR MOTHER and you love her and miss her. Let yourself cry at the joy of a new life along with the sorrow of losing a "old" life.
Remember that God loves you and that He cares deeply about you and when you are sad--He cries WITH you. You may find that as each day passes, TRUST takes the place of questioning, HOPE takes the place of despair, and PEACE takes the place of sorrow. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4
But I survived. So will you. Give your thoughts to one thing at a time. Hubby’s retiring might be a good thing. If he’s like mine, he’ll be a giant pain, but you get used to it. Nice having someone to talk to besides the dog. Your daughter? Well, kids have a rotten habit of growing up. There’s Skype, FaceTime, texts and emails. My son is back in town, married and just gave me a new grandson in April. We both “grew up” while he was gone and that’s ok. It’s how it should be. Mourning for your mom is a process. As baskethill1 said,you did the best you could. Your mom would not be happy if she knew you were miserable over your decisions. Remember her as a loving mother and for the wonderful times you had with her.
Take care of yourself and let us know how you’re doing.
Sounds like you have a lot going on. Think about getting some support for your grief. I was demented- and I use that word on purpose- for two or three months after my loved one died. Losing someone can be very jarring. Talking to people who are going through what you are going through can be very helpful.