I moved Mom into assisted living 4 months ago, she is under hospice for chf but in the last month has improved and is doing much better, walking now, off oxygen and eating all her meals in the dining room. This is a premium ALF and it is 5 mins from my home. I have been going to see her every day, I work full time and I must admit I am worn out, Mom always seems to want more..I have been told by the staff I should visit less as there is only myself and my spouse, no other relatives, my husband is getting tired of me being so drained all the time.
You and your sister figure out a schedule. Visit just on the weekends. You take Saturday mornings or afternoons for an hour... and your sister take Sunday, or vise versa. Or choose another day during the week. Fuss over her by saying Saturday [or Sunday] will be our time :)
Does the facility offer physical therapy? My Dad use to go to physical therapy every other day, so that was an "activity" he looked forward to going. After lunch he would doze off.
The facility offers 3 meals a day, many different social activities and a shuttle service to anywhere she needs to go.
My twin sister and I live fairly close to the facility but we both work full time. We feel like we’re being pulled in so many directions with work, family life and seeing our mom.
We feel like we’re at our moms beck and call and even though she has several activities a day to choose from, she relies on us for her entertainment.
We love our mom dearly and would like to know what is expected out of us in visiting her.
We are both feeling guilted into seeing her way more than we have time for right now.
Any insight would be greatly appreciated! Thank you
I have a hard time leaving especially on the weekends because they never want me to leave and want to know why I am leaving and what I am going to be doing..and cant I just stay until.. lunch or dinner or ....whatever. Sometimes my weekend visit stretches out to 3 or 4 hours until I can finally find a time to leave.
The visits during the week aren't as difficult if I go during my work lunchtime .. then I can have an excuse to leave like I have to get back to work.
I noticed that the other family members of the other residents at the facility have very short visits.. maybe 30 minutes to an hour at the most. and at the times I am there.. I notice they don't visit as often as i do. I have been visiting about 3 times a week. I am the only one that visits them.. so if I don't go they don't get any visits.
I know what you mean about the guilt.. I always have such sadness and guilt when I leave. I am trying to rebuild my life and my entire life for the last 3 to 4 years has been focused on them so I have lost all family relationships .. and friendships.. so I am lonely as well... but I need to try to start building some kind of a life for myself away from them. Its a balancing act for sure and there are no right or wrong answers.
I feel for you stellakat visiting every day. I used to be with my parents every day before they moved to the facility.. but I am trying to stick with only a couple of days a week... it is hard tho. When they first moved in I didn't visit at all for a couple of weeks.. they were very unhappy and I was exhausted... I'm sure they didn't like it .. but they survived. I'm sure your mom will be ok too if you cut your visits down some.
My Dad is in an ALF about 5 min away. I visit him 1-2 times a week. We play cards or watch tv together. He is always appreciative of my visits. I also bring friends to play cards with us when they are free. When he was hospitalized for 2 weeks with the flu, I tried to be there every day. I missed 2 days, but felt it was important to be there as much as possible because he has dementia and frequently did not understand where he was or why. Once he recovered and was back in the known ALF environment with his regular routine, I felt fine to go back to 1-2 times a week.
enough rambling - basically I mean to say that you need to take care of YOU in order to be any use to your loved one. and when you do visit, make it special if possible.
In these early days you have the chance to try to influence the plan of your care. It sounds like moving closer to relatives willing to help would be a good idea. That your husband is retiring sounds like good timing for a move. This would also give you a chance to find housing best suited to the infirmities you may be facing.
A move would be a major upheaval for your husband. Does he have friends and family where you live? Is he highly social? Golf league, bowling buddies, season tickets to the opera? Moving him away from his support base at a time he will need it most is a big challenge, too.
The two of you need to discuss this possibility thoroughly, and with the firm conviction that this situation is nobody's fault and you both will have strong needs in the upcoming weeks and months and years.
Of course you are scared. I cannot even imagine how scary it would be to get your diagnosis. I know how frightened and frustrated and angry my husband was. You have people who love you, and who want to take care of you. Some will be better able to do that than others, but trust that you are in good hands. At some point your loved ones may need to place you in the care of professionals. I see that my mother is getting excellent care in her nursing home. She was very anxious and scared at first but she is now trusting the family and professionals taking care of her, and she is content.
Please try to dismiss the worry about being a "burden" -- you have enough other things to worry about.
Please post again, starting a new thread, and let us know how you are doing. We care, and we can learn from you!
When the Head Nurse knows you on sight and smiles, all will be OK.
Last February Dad was moved into assisted living and now he's in a personal care home. In the beginning, I went every other day to visit and YES, it's exhausting! I cut back to twice a week --- with feelings of guilt but knowing I couldn't handlei it anymore.
It's not just the hour visit --- it's emotionally preparing myself beforehand and the angst afterwards leaving him behind. So a visit really takes it out of me, too.
One of the things that's helping to make visits more pleasant is that I take him out to eat on Sundays. Then, it's just Wednesday evenings that we sit in his room for an hour. Just found out that some of Dad's friends meet up at McDonald's for coffee some weekday mornings. I think I may replace Wednesday evenings at the personal care home with a weekly trip to McDonald's instead :)