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I have a sister in a group home and I found out the hard way, that if I visited her more than once a week or took her home for the weekend, she would lose her focus on her residence. She would stop interacting with staff and residents and see me as her only source of entertainment. She would misbehave, she would call me constantly, she would refuse to participate in activities and outings. So now I stick to taking her to BK for lunch, once a week, and take her right back to her home. She is more cooperative with staff now and knows them by name.
Such a good question, lakegirl, and one I haven't seen addressed so directly. pstegman makes an important point – sometimes visits and outings don't have their intended consequence. You really have to look at your parent carefully to judge the effect of visits. Talk to staff, too. Ask how she (or he) is after you've left. So often I've heard care staff talk about how agitated Mrs. So-and-so is following her daughter's daily lunchtime visits (or whatever). Yet, for fear of offending or upsetting the daughter, they don't speak out. I mean, it's supposed to be "the more visits, the better," right? So, they have a resident who merrily goes through her days, except for the hours following a visit when she's inconsolably agitated and anxious. The answer is open communication with staff and trying different visiting tactics (time of day, length of visit, etc.). One favorite tactic is to visit during an activity and participate in it. It's not as upsetting to have a daughter arrive during flower arranging, take part in it and leave. The visit "goes with the flow."
Don't even get me started on the ill-advised trips some families of AL residents propose each summer – "we want to get Dad to the lake one last time" or "Mom always loved the shore – we're taking her with us this year." Look at it from your parent's point of view. When you're thinking of taking your parent for an outing or overnight, ask yourself – if you lost almost all ability to adapt to new situations, how would you feel doing what you're proposing?
I do believe that someone needs to check on our loved ones, almost every day. My MIL and mother both are in their right minds, so they will tell us, if they aren't being treated right. It has been up to Mother's friends to do that, since she is in IL. and I am in AZ. I wouldn't be seeing her every day, if I lived there. She would go right back to depending on me, instead of the staff.
I absolutely believe that this is such an individualized thing. I live 1/2 hour from the nursing home. My mom has ALZ and does not know me..having said that EVERYONE should have an advocate. When mom first went in ..I went every day for 2 yrs. Looking back..I should not have done that. I think it interfered with her adjusting. After 7 yrs, on a good week, I try to be there 2-3 times. I have a great relatioship with the staff and can now see that mom relates to THEM not me. Heartbreaking but true. My dad was in for 18 months. His mental faculties were intact. I went every day at first...gradually down to 2-3 days a week. He was very lonely, but refused any interactions with others.when he got sick about 3 months ago post surgery I was there every day...had just started slowing that down when he got sick again and did not recover. So i guess my best advice is follor your gut. Take action so that when you loved one is no longer here, you have no regrets, Please though be an active presence of some kind. I am still grieving for my precious dad but I have no regrests.
I try to visit my mom at least once a week. I am still doing her laundry so she knows that my husband or I will be coming. I would like to visit more but with working a full-time job and caring for two children under the age of 10 it is hard.
Some great tips here. Routine is so important for our elderly. Just like children it makes them feel safe. I love the idea of visiting during group activities. It makes the visit fun and gives you something to talk about. Otherwise I would keep to a schedule of about 2 visits a week. This is just me but I would keep the times the same and make sure to show up when you are scheduled to see them.
My 90 yr old MIL, diagnosed with mild to moderate dementia, is in a terrific assisted living facility 15 min. from our home. My husband and I are in our early 60's and we visit once a week. He is self-employed and works long hrs. and I work part time. This works for us. I suppose if it were my own mother I would visit more often.
My Daddy is in a long term health care facility. He had a stroke 5 months ago and is unable to communicate except a word here or there. My sister goes week day mornings for several hours and I go after work daily for several hours. I go 3 times a day on Saturday and Sunday. He needs a voice and I wouldn't feel right unless we were there daily. Put yourself in your loved ones place. How often would you want a familiar face to be at your side and speak up for your needs? Yes, we get tired, but my Father was there for me my entire life and I love him for that and so many other reasons!
I had the opposite reaction from Mom when I went during activites. She would stop what she was doing and announce that her daughter was there so she couldn't participate. In fact meal time seemed to be the best, because I would help her with her food and we could chat then. But my Mom has never done good after I left. She is now in a very small residential group home and so far, visits are good. She seems to really like it there, although she still says she wants to go home. She doesn't wail and cry though, at least not yet. She has only been there a few weeks.
Also, I meant to answer your question.....I think it is a trial and error thing. I found that if I visited everyday, it was bad, really bad. I am not starting that at her new home. It will be twice a week.
My MIL does not want us to visit during her activities, either. My husband checks on her every other day and will take her on errands, if necessary. But, she doesn't even want company very often. (Ass't living.)
We used to go every day but now it is mostly every other day. We do it to keep our presents in view of the staff and we go at different times to make sure all is going well for our dad.
ormonian....my mom's life pretty much revolved around me. You made me feel so bad. With gas prices so high...it is 50 miles round trip...I also have a small farm and 4 grandchildren who are very involved in my life....I do the very best that I can..wouold you be able to go see your loved one three times a day if you lived 25 miles a day. I stand by what i said.....it is very individualized to every situation. The frequency I visit(ed) my parents does not show how much they loved me or how much i love them. Your answer was pretty hurtful
was visiting my mom 2 times a week, but she hounded me about going home, and I have serious nervous issues, and depression, so i go once a week now. It's hard to find things to talk about when she isn't facing whats really happened to her health and considering my limitations. Do the best you can, and that's all we can do. I also don't visit alone because she acts better if I don't. I have cried too many times leaving there feeling like a horrible person for trying to keep my mother safe and cared for, but she doesn't understand.
I don't think there is any square answer on this question. I think you should visit as often as you can; if that means daily, so be it. When my in-laws were in the NH, we visited every time we were in town, which was every other week, as we live almost 200 miles away from their NH. If we couldn't visit, they had a phone in their room and we would call every single day, sometimes several times a day to stay engaged with them and ensure everything was OK with their care. My sis-in-law would visit a few times a week, but brothers-in-law would only visit if they were in town (they all live out of state). I think it's very important to still stay active in your parent's live by visiting as often as you can, or call daily; they are displaced from their home and need to know that their children still care about them.
At first I went everyday to see my Dad. Then after about 3 months I went every three days. When ever he goes to the hospital for pneumonia and comes back, I come everyday for about a week to make sure he is doing ok. After 3 days I start to fell guilty and can't relax at home if I don't go see him and let him know we didn't just drop him off there and that I love him . My sister on the other comes twice a month (maybe) and can't figure out why I feel guilty. But she is a selfish person and has issues....
I am only a mile and a half away from my mom who is 91 with dementia so I pop in every day. She is always happy to see me and it does not upset her. Her husband died in December so I went more often for a week or two until she started to adjust to being on her own but staff has made a great effort to persuade her to go to bingo and other activities to keep her busy. She probably forgets I was there an hour after I visit but the smile on her face makes me think she remembers on an emotional level that I was there. I think dropping in is very important to keep staff on their toes and to make sure they are not slacking off. Having a friendly relationship with staff members helps a lot.
My dad is in an ALF but will be moving to a SNF soon. I think the bottom line is...what is best for dad and what can I realistically commit to. The SNF is 2 hours one way for me and 20 minutes for my sibling. Realistically, she should be able to visit more than I because of distance. But also, realistically, she works full time and I do not work outside of my home. I have more time during the week. So we are trying to work out a plan so that dad never goes a week without a visit from one of us. I have to remember that I can do what I can do. I cannot decide for someone else what they can do. So I will visit as often as my schedule will allow. Some may say that 1 visit a week is not enough, but, my dad is not a social man. When I visit, I bring my IPad with photos and videos of his great grandkids and that will get him talking about them and he brightens up. I made a collage of all of them with their names and he will sit and smile at the pictures. He knows all about them, but does not remember their names. He forgets my kids names and sometimes he forgets us. But I know my dad loves me and I love him. I will visit as often as I can and I will not feel guilty that it could not have been more. He would not want me to feel guilty.
I think it is individual based and what is right for you may not be right for me, there is no dogma in my opinion. I do not have a car, so I have to rely on my bike and if I am fit for a ride emotionally and physically since I have ankle osteoarthritis. Otherwise I pay for a cab and with no income and lots of bills this I try to avoid. I have to rely on the weather not being too blustery, a bit of rain is okay, but in t his part of the world the gales blow hard and the rain can drive vertically. In any event, an optimal time for me at first was during an occasion, music, or party, kept a bit of diversion from the constant pleas to come home. I call every day and talk to my mother to see if she is okay if I can't go there. I bring her flowers, cookies, chocolate when I go about once or twice a week. I always bring her in the lounge and make her tea and give her the cake I brought up for her, we sit and watch her favorites like John Wayne, Jimmy Stewart movies, Kojak and Magnum PI get her going. I interact with staff and they are warm and caring and they never know when I will show up, it is always warm and cheerful there so that comforts me. The point is your parent has to have time to bond in their new environment, they need to make friends or attachments and develop new routines. Go when you can, hug them, spoil them, and let them know you will be back soon and will call them and that they can call you at any time. My mother may forget I was there, but it makes for better visits to just accept her and whatever she has to say while there, she always wants to know when my deceased father is coming up, I don't correct her I just agree with her and make it pleasant for myself and her, as much as I can, because it is like Escape from Alcatrazy, she is always plotting her escape, we make a game of it now, I tell her I'll get in trouble if I take her out and she understands this and accepts it, it is a mind cluster. Just go when you can and don't let anyone tell you how much you should do or not do.
Sounds like a simple question yet no single answer addresses the needs of all. Family members should give careful consideration for their loved one. My mother was in a nursing home for two years after a fall in her home. I live out of state and visited each month on average 5 days at a time. My sister lived nearby and spent time with mom about 5 days a week. Of my four brothers, one visited not at all, one infrequently, one 3-4 times per week, one 5-6 times per week. You might think that's a lot of visiting but my mother always enjoyed our company. She liked and enjoyed most of the staff having her favorites. She enjoyed some activities such as the music programs, but others she found boring and after a few trys declined attending. Being individuals I would expect variations. When I visited I "dressed" mom up (a hat, a scarf, new shirt) and took her for walks (in her wheelchair) around the building. So many staff and other residents would call out her name and stop to say hello--this she loved. Frequency of visiting is not the most important factor although I favor more than less, it's what you do during a visit. Make the most of your time together. Be open and listen to your loved one to understand how they feel and what's happening in their life. We had a rapport with the staff exchanging information as needed. In my opinion, visit as often as you can and stay in touch as much as possible. Show love patience and interest for your loved one, and respect for the staff. Most posts I viewed were on the side of more visits not less. I lost my mother and dearly miss those visits. I also feel drawn to visit those who were her buddies and who had few social calls. Happy visiting All...
pmonjon God bless you and your sister. I take care of my mother in her home and have for the past 3 and 1/2 or so years. I have two nephews who put their Mom, my sister, she is only in her early 60's, into a nursing home and she has deteriorated so dramatically. I am 1,000 miles away, no way I can go there either with my mother, or trust to leave her in anyone's care so that I can visit my sister and it tears me up inside. I call my sister almost every day ( sometimes I call and no one answers the phone, other days I am so depressed by my mother and her health that I just can't call her ( I do the majority of talking, giving her pep talks) I have called my nephews to scream at them when I found out they were visiting her only periodically, they are two of the most selfish pigs I have ever known, they are both young and healthy and one does not work nor have a wife nor children, that one leeched off her for quite a few years he even lost her home when he decided he needed to take control of the bill paying, what a useless moron. The 2 just inherited hundreds of thousands of dollars from their paternal grandmother, whuch in my naïve mind I thought for sure meant they would get together and bring her to a home they could buy and care for her, but of course not, those narcissists only know how to do what is right and easy for them, God forbid if they should ever think of another's needs and comfort over their own. When I read how caring and loving you and your sister are to your dad it makes me smile for you 2 and for your Dad, but feel so sad that my sister was not blessed with two children like you and your sister. You are a very good soul and a wonderful child to your father! I hope many blessings happen to you , your sister and Dad!
I visit Mom in AL every two weeks unless she needs me to bring something to her. I'm not too far away, but as I've pulled back she is adjusting so much better. We both know we love each other and she knows she can count on me if needed. And she knows I stay in touch with staff and vice versa. My Brother checks in and stops probably once a week, her ex tenant calls every day to check in and my 3 out of town sisters call through the week to equal a phone call a day. Weare all working together to stay in touch. It's been two months now and each are giving me a report that Mom isn't complaining and is interacting more, not talking about getting out/going back to her house. I take the Grandkids along when possible too for short visits. It is different for each family. Be sensitive to what's best for your parent not just doing what makes you feel good. It's ok :)
When my Dad was in independent living, I could hardly keep up with him and mostly waited for him to show up at my house! He lived w/in a few miles of me. As he progressed into assisted living, he became more and more dependent on me as the time went by. My job requires me to travel, so on the days I wasn't out of town I called twice a day and when I was in town I visited every day, having dinner with him at least 2x/week. It took so much of my time to do that and as I look back I wouldn't have done things any differently.
wow, what great answers. I have hired a companion that goes almost everyday; shes great and I pay for it. but he still wants to see me cause everyday everyday he begs me to come home. its been 3 months and he's still begging to come home. so this is extremely helpful to me.
on Saturday, IF we feel good, he and I are going to the movies and for a bite. now im wondering if that will set him back. he tries to run away and I told him he needs to stay at least until we get the house fixed and I need the money from the aid and attendance to do that. he says he will die first. its taking all my strength and he almost has me convinced. I am looking into how much it would cost to set up the ALF at home; fixing his bathroom, widening his doors, taking everything out that he tripped over (especially the booze). So my deal to him will be that he has to give up his car in order to come home. If he gets the booze, the home based staff will know it. I don't know the answers yet; but I am searching for them...
I visit my Mom most days. If I don't visit something always seems to go wrong and she calls me crying. She calls me constantly anyway, but it easier when she's not crying.
Question? What are the reasons for visits to our loved ones in nursing homes..especially if they do not recognize us? For me it is each persons choice. When my mother was in a nursing home she said the two years were the best in her life. She had a terrible life with my father. I worked full time plus and had Saturdays off. I visited her, my father and my son once a week on Saturdays and Holidays for two years travelling 50plus miles one way. Then drama struck our family again and she and my father died days apart in different places (a year after my son's death). That was many years ago now and while I still have sadness and tears...I am still oliveoyl... Namaste to all!
When my mother was first placed in the nursing home (due to a fall and failure to recover to live independently again) I went every other day. But whenever I needed to adjust that schedule to accommodate my daughter's school or recreational activities she was verbally abusive. She can communicate and wheel herself around the facility and she even has a cell phone to call her friends though she rarely does (Depression). My husband worked the night shift and is not a talker so I was not able to rely on him to fill in. She would not have wanted a man she really doesn't know in her room before getting washed up and dressed unless it was one of her sons. I regret going so often in those early yeas because it wore me out and I almost lost my job on several occasions. I now go twice per week and while it may seem like a long time in between visits we have more to talk about. She thinks she is missing so much but when I don't have anything new or exciting to report she gets angry. She was calling twice a day every day, and then every other day. Now only when she is bored or wants to know when I'm going to visit.
I think each case is different. I used to go from 3-5 days per week or more when my cousin was in regular Assisted Living. This included me taking her to her medical appointments. (She had a series of falls and we were seeing doctors of some sort every week.) But, after I placed her in the Memory Care Unit, I don't get as many calls from the staff with issues about trivial things. I allowed her to settle in there for one week before I went to visit.
She is quite fond of the staff, though she doesn't know anyone's name. I now go once or twice per week, plus I meet her at her doctor appointments, which are not as great now.
The Memory Care unit is located in a different city from me, but I still think I'm visiting enough. I check things out, go at different times and days and chat with staff asking questions and following up if necessary. I am quite cheerful and loving with her and I feel she feels at home where she is.
If I do see my cousin two days straight, she doesn't remember it. When my parents go to visit, I take a photo and hang it in her room so she can see we were all there with her, but I don't think she notices its there. At least not when I'm around.
I realize that when she no longer recognizes me, it will be quite difficult to keep going. There are many at the Memory Care facility who I never see with a visitor. I suppose they could come when I'm not around, but I think some of them don't get visitors. That's sad. I don't want that to happen to my cousin.
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Don't even get me started on the ill-advised trips some families of AL residents propose each summer – "we want to get Dad to the lake one last time" or "Mom always loved the shore – we're taking her with us this year."
Look at it from your parent's point of view. When you're thinking of taking your parent for an outing or overnight, ask yourself – if you lost almost all ability to adapt to new situations, how would you feel doing what you're proposing?
on Saturday, IF we feel good, he and I are going to the movies and for a bite. now im wondering if that will set him back. he tries to run away and I told him he needs to stay at least until we get the house fixed and I need the money from the aid and attendance to do that. he says he will die first. its taking all my strength and he almost has me convinced. I am looking into how much it would cost to set up the ALF at home; fixing his bathroom, widening his doors, taking everything out that he tripped over (especially the booze). So my deal to him will be that he has to give up his car in order to come home. If he gets the booze, the home based staff will know it. I don't know the answers yet; but I am searching for them...
She is quite fond of the staff, though she doesn't know anyone's name. I now go once or twice per week, plus I meet her at her doctor appointments, which are not as great now.
The Memory Care unit is located in a different city from me, but I still think I'm visiting enough. I check things out, go at different times and days and chat with staff asking questions and following up if necessary. I am quite cheerful and loving with her and I feel she feels at home where she is.
If I do see my cousin two days straight, she doesn't remember it. When my parents go to visit, I take a photo and hang it in her room so she can see we were all there with her, but I don't think she notices its there. At least not when I'm around.
I realize that when she no longer recognizes me, it will be quite difficult to keep going. There are many at the Memory Care facility who I never see with a visitor. I suppose they could come when I'm not around, but I think some of them don't get visitors. That's sad. I don't want that to happen to my cousin.