How should I deal with false accusations from a mentally fit, mean mom?

Sounhappy,

Your mom mentally fit? Pfft!

What you've described is toxic behavior. No need to wonder why, no need to look for motives. Ultimately, it makes no difference. Lying is immoral, wrong, toxic, poisonous. Protect yourself by going no or low contact. If circumstance throws you together, practice "gray rock" around her. If you don't know what gray rock, is, do a search here or an online search; you'll find plenty of information.

You can't change your mom but you can change how you respond to her toxicity.

I think your mom is a narcissist as is your brother. Your brother is the golden child and can do no wrong. You are the scapegoat child who always tries to make things better. I know this from my research of the same treatment. My mother was verbally abusive and controlling to me my entire life. Prior to her death, she was in the hospital. I had taken her because the golden child didn’t want to deal with rush hour traffic. Once the family was all gathered around my mom’s bed, my mom started screaming at me, “Get out! Get out!” I was so stunned and hurt that my back immediately seized up as i walked away bent over in pain. This is the last memory I have of my mother. She didn’t die that day and not for a year more, but this memory was so hurtful, it seems to override the good memories I have. That day my dad, sister and BIL gasliighted me and said I overreacted. To save yourself, I would recommend walking away and seeking therapy. It’s hard. It’s especially hard to accept that your parent never learned how to love and has no inkling of how to express it. Do the research. It will open your eyes. Your life will change but in a good way. I wish you the best!

You're making some pretty bold statements here by saying, "No memory trouble. Not a single strange mental thought." How do YOU know WHAT kinds of thoughts the woman has? Please!

That said, I don't know when your mother was last tested for cognitive impairment, or if she was given the PROPER tests FOR cognitive impairment, but false accusations of "stealing her money and denying her access to her own money" is a CLASSIC sign of dementia and/or someone who is having mental health issues. Let me ask you a question: who in her right mind would say such a thing to her son if she didn't believe it to be true? Knowing you could pull statements to prove her wrong, right on the spot? A person with cognitive deficits would do such a thing, that's who.

So you can believe that your mother definitely doesn't have dementia, no memory trouble, and not a single strange mental thought going through her head. I believe otherwise or she wouldn't be accusing you of something SO easily provable. People in good mental health and w/o cognitive impairment don't do such things. They find OTHER ways to be mean where they don't wind up being shown up as horse's arses in short order. Mean people's ego's don't like such things.

In any event, why are you so insistent on helping for and caring for a mother who thinks the sun rises & sets on her son and thinks you're a thief? I would tell her, mother, the next time you treat me like crap, I'm OUT of here and not coming back until you issue me a formal apology and MEAN it. And then I'll look at my schedule to see IF I have time to squeeze you in.

Mean people, dementia or no dementia, need to be told to sit down and shut up or else they continue steam rolling over you like dirt under their shoes. But their Golden Boys can do no wrong, even when they do NOTHING for their mothers at all. That's the way it goes, unfortunately. So it's up to YOU how much time you choose to spend with the woman. Look into hiring helpers for her, on HER dime, of course, to do for her what you've been doing for free. She may then decide to appreciate all you DO do for her.

Good luck.

My mom, who depended on me to mange her household could no longer live alone. I found her dehydrated and confused. I brought her to my house to recover and I thought live. After she recovered, she flipped out, screaming I was abusing her and Help! Help! Please call the police. She is hitting me! She wanted to live any place but my house. She got her wish, I took her to assisted living. I do not feel bad about it at all. Step away from your mom. Let your brother handle her.

We have a really smart poster here named Beatty. She says "there will be no plan as long as YOU are the plan."

Step back. Be unavailable. Say, "I can't possibly do that."

Let mom and Aunt (who don't have dementia and who are so terribly competent) figure out how to get help.

They might ask brother. They might hire folks. They might ask NICELY if you would help set up care.

What I would NOT do is lift a finger for your "mother" as long as she abuses or bad-mouths you.

The minute that starts say, "Oops, gotta go".

And leave.

Every time.

This kind of behavior is very common with people with dementia. Even though they say she is mentally fit, maybe not. If she is not having mental issues or dementia, then I would 100% blow her off.

Narcissist get meaner as they get older, there is a paranoia about people taking their stuff across the board.

If you Google the aging Narcissist you’ll find some interesting info. Generally they’ll pull you into something you can’t win, like trying to get gum off your shoe it only gets worse the more you mess with it.

It’s how they entertain themselves when life slows down and there is not as much supply as the old days.

So mom & Auntie have a joint bank account?
Unless you want to deal with even more of a future train wreck, that account(s) needs to be changed so that each of the Sisters have their own unique bank accounts. No more commingling of financials. If your mom needs to pay her share of utilities or pay rent to her Sister, mom does this and those checks get deposited into you Aunties bank account. If you want to stay a part of this drama, then they allow you to be a signatory on both accounts and they both do the accounts as POD (pay on death) to you. Having it be POD will come in handy to deal with after death immediate costs, like funeral floral expenses (not covered in preneed policies).

who are their POAs?
Your Aunt is nice & it’s her home that your mom lives in right?
So does Auntie have her own kids? and are they involved in her life? so that when the inevitable happens and she needs a higher level of care than can ever be done in her home, her kids will be there to deal with all this? Or will this be on you?

Whatever the case, having a joint account means that the $ in it can be considered to be all the assets of 1 of them should 1 of them ever need to file for an “at need” program like care in a NH (LTC Medicaid program).

They are both housebound, frail and elderly, right? Your mom is double amputee as well, right? Realistically they are 1 good fall from breaking a hip, going to the ER, being hospitalized and then discharged to rehab in a SNF/NH and then determined to be unable to go back to the home as unable to do the minimal ADL (activities of daily living) needed to return to the old home. Unless they each have significant $ (each has 200K+), the one in rehab/NH will end up filing for LTC Medicaid. Medicaid will look at the $ in their joint accounts as being available entirely to the one now “at need” in a NH. In order to be eligible for LTC Medicaid, it’s a max of $ 2,000 allowed to stay in the old bank accounts. Someone- Auntie or Mom - will get screwed big time financially.

Say account has $98,765 in it. & say its your mom who has a bad accident and who now needs to be in a SNF. That 98k is just as much all her $ as it is your Aunts. Before mom could ever be eligible for LTC Medicaid, Medicaid is going to fully expect mom to do a spend down of $96,765 as LTC Medicaid has a maximum of $2,000 in nonexempt assets allowed. By the accounts being commingled, the $ can be considered to be all be available to 1 of them without a division. The commingling & Co ownership needs to stop.
So you went to the bank recently right? Gather together what you can on past 3 months of their banking and go and sit with a bank officer to discuss how to segregate the accounts and what a paperwork needed and what path could be the simplest to take. Whomever is their POA really should be doing this, but if that’s not you but you have been doing their banking with no problems now for years, it will be ok. Your not trying to take $ for yourself but segregating their income and assets so it better reflects the correct % of ownership. It may be est that that the old account stays the same in Aunts name (I bet she’s the one whose $ it mainly is, am I rite?) but your mom opens a new one that gets her SS income and any other retirements she gets.

At some point something is going to happen and unless they each has a ton of $, LTC Medicaid will get filed for. Please please do what you can now to make the 5 yr financial lookback make sense for what their own assets actually are without commingling.

"I have one brother whom my mom adores. He does nothing to help. I help my elderly mom. I don’t live with her."

How do you help her?

Your brother calls once a year? How far away does he live?

What do you plan to do when your mother needs more help? I hope you do NOT intend to become her caregiver.

If your mother favors your brother so much and she has assets, are you sure she doesn't have him listed as her sole beneficiary? How would you feel about that?

(If it were me, I'd cut off all contact, and tell her that she can call Brother Dearest for anything she needs.)

Cut that minimum contact down to zero.

Remove mean people from your circle, family or otherwise.