My father is currently in hospice and living in an AL with my mother who has vascular dementia. I'm wondering how to handle my father's death when the time comes. Should we tell her that he's passed, or just keep her at peace by saying he's gone fishing or something and will be back in a few days? She can't remember anything short-term, so even if we tell her he died, she won't remember a few minutes later. They've been married for 72 years and are currently sharing the same apartment in the AL. I don't want to keep telling her, traumatizing her? Every time she notices his absence and asks about him, which she definitely will. I also don't want to appear dishonest if this is something she needs to know deep down. Any suggestions or experience with this situation will be welcomed. Blessings.
About a week later she had her hair colored the same red she had worn most of her life. I told my husband, "I think your mom is done mourning".
When I was present and she was asked if her husband was still alive, she would look to me and I would shake my head "no". She would relay the information, she always seemed okay.
Maybe the actual statement to her can be “He was so sick there wasn’t anything that could make him well”.
If she herself questions that statement you could go to “He died very peacefully Mom”.
I don’t think you need to worry about “deep down”, because truthfully, that’s what goes away with dementia.
I like to respond “I don’t know exactly where he/she is”, because in my way of thinking that’s accurate but not unduly disturbing.
She is fortunate to have you.
Thanks so much for taking the time to share your story.
She may be there when he dies, or are you planning on asking him to be moved to the In Patient Unit so that mom will not be there?
Then I suppose the next question is...are you planning on having mom attend the funeral or any of the activities that you plan? If a lot of friends and family (presuming there are some that show up)? She will be confused about that. And a lot of people, noise may upset her.
Have you thought about mom being on Hospice as well? She will decline once dad is gone and may do so rapidly. Vascular dementia caused by many mini strokes, or larger ones can see rapid declines and the stress of losing her husband may start a downward spiral.
Will mom move to a MC section of the facility or will she remain in AL?
You brought up several things I had not thought of, but I don't think we would put her through attending a memorial that would involve moving her and exposing her to unfamiliar surroundings again. She is finally starting to adjust to her new apartment and the staff. The AL says she is fine to stay in place there unless her dementia causes her to wander off premises or she becomes violent...both of which are extremely doubtful as she can barely walk now and has never uttered so much as a curse word in her life...even now with her dementia.
We are working on getting her into Hospice, although to our surprise, she does not have Medicare Part A so I am working with Medicare to get her enrolled so we can afford their services.
Like everything else on this journey, we will continue to take things one day at a time. I so appreciate everyone's comments. It helps to have thoughts and plans in place no matter which we end up going with.
Thank you all again. This is an amazing community!
If after he dies, she asks then fibbing is OK. If a funeral is planned do not expect her to sit thru visitation, the service, graveside and then a luncheon. I may have someone bring her to the service but make the service short then the luncheon. A whole day will not exhaust her.
Definitely don't plan on taking her out for any services since she's finally starting to adjust to her AL surroundings. We will most likely have a celebration of life with her...to share memories and stories with her...something like that...see how she reacts and figure out our 'story' from there. Thank you for your feedback!
Having to retell again and again that dad has passed will not only upset her but you will also have to relive that memory.
Its not being dishonest - it just a peace keeping tool.
I did it and would do it again. EX: my daddy wanted me to give him all his money out of the bank because people were going to steal it - I told him I could not but I would hide it. So I took a picture of a box under the house and told him that no one knows that it is there and when you get back you can have it. That satisfied him and no one was hurt.
Blessings to you.