How should I respond to the hoarding?

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. You are most assuredly not alone in the 'hoarder' dynamic. My mom, who passed in August, was a 'clean' hoarder, but a hoarder nonetheless.

I tried, tried, tried to 'help' her. She actually asked for my help a couple of times. But all efforts to clean were met with pushback and I finally told her if she was just going to paw through the trashcans at night to find something I'd thrown out--there was no point to my 'help'. 3 long days of work and we'd thrown out essentially nothing.

Hoarding is most definitely a mental disorder. We see garbage and junk and they see precious items, or food that's 'just barely' out of date. Mom's place was completely covered in a fine layer of dust and bird feathers.

After she died, YB (she lived with his family) went crazy and in 2 days had emptied her place and made several runs to the dump and to the local GoodWill. It was so weird, but it's what he had to do to deal with his grief and anger (yes, I said anger--). After he had sorted and gone through everything, he calmed down. We other sibs helped, but watching him frantically just throwings things was quite unsettling.

The apartment sits basically empty now--except for those gross birds, which he'll NEVER rehome. (Guilt, I think).

Calling APS will get your mom & dad in the system. Standards are pretty darn low as to what they will and won't call 'acceptable'. I called on a 'friend' who had the cat litter box in the kitchen with litter and feces spread out across the floor. The dogs had peed everywhere. Clothes, food, junk piled waist high throughout the house.

APS deemed it liveable. I don't even think there was a follow up. I was only one of many who called. Nothing ever changed.

In your case, where dad cannot see where he's walking, maybe APS will make a more concerted effort to help. IDK. You can only try and then see what happens. Thsi is very dangerous for your dad--he needs a clear pathway to walk through--and with hoarders, that changes from day to day.

Sadly, no attention is really paid to this problem until someone gets seriously hurt. I hope you can avoid that!

Could someone else call APS? Or, you call and then if your mom guesses it was you, that could be the time for a therapeutic fib. “ Gosh I don’t know who called, mom, maybe it was a concerned blah blah blah…”

I get not wanting even more drama on top of drama.

There’s nothing you can do with a hoarders’ stuff until after they’re gone - they won’t budge on that. I grew up with hoarding - not the worst, but still, 6 storage units later, etc…etc…even great grandmother’s and receipts were considered precious boxes.

Big hug and good luck!

You say that “the neighbors probably wonder why I don’t do more to help”. Could you have a heart-felt discussion with a neighbor about the ‘rotting food’ etc, and explain how you feel that you can’t report it because your mother would never speak to you again. Perhaps ask the neighbor to help you with something inside, so that they see for themselves. Don’t ask the neighbor to report, but hope that it works. Mother may be fairly sharp, but you can honestly say that it wasn’t you.

I just googled what I could from our Human Services Dept (I'm not US) out of curiousity. A rating for hoarding (clutter) & squalor (living standards) is reported. Referrals are made to different services as required. Followup visits & reports made.

A flowchart provides which other services will be involved after the initial contact.

Eg child/elder/animal neglect/abuse to relevant child/elder/animal Welfare Depts. Vermin/pests to Health Dept. Lack of pathways & hoarding of flammable materials to Fire Dept - smoke alarms can be mandated.

Mental health concerns can be escalated to Psychiatric Triage.

I believe Psychiatric triage covers a wide range, mental illness but also including any apparent lack of reasoning.

This is where undiagnosed cognitive decline, dementia would fall.

The OP's Dad has dx dementia. There would need to be some assessment of her Mom's abilities to declide the next steps.

It may be plain overwhelm. With some help to decide differently, Mom could accept help & stay in her home - with more home services/cleaning/personal care help for Dad. Or be assessed for & treated for depression. Or of she has some cog decline, this be assessed fully.

However, the alternative is to skip all that. Skip this step.

Just wait until an actual crises happens to force change. This is a valid choice. But it may have serious, or even life threatening consequences.

Sorry but APS won't do anything. As long as she is of "sound" mind she can unfortunately live in filth. You may have better luck with the health department if there is no accessible toilet or running water.

At present you are at the sidelines. Your folks are living the way they choose to. Well Mom is. What about Dad? Do you think he has capacity to choose for himself? Would he choose 'together' over 'safe'?

The risks here are Mom's lack of self-care can keep sliding. This will slide/has already slid into lack of care for Dad.

Whether this is self-neglect & elder neglect already I can't say. But I would report my concerns to 'authorities' someone who could assess & advise.

At what point will you decide to involve non-family do you think?

A temporary guardianship may be required to get them both housed safely again.

I have a sibling who’s a hoarder. Trust me, it won’t get better. Please look out for your dad and report the situation to APS, he deserves a safe environment

I'm sure this will be really hard for you to do but I agree that you need to call APS and get them the help they really need. This is unsafe and disgusting. There is no way your mom can be providing appropriate care to your dad. I would pretend to be ignorant about why APS is coming to the house. Take a deep breath and make the call to help your parents be safe.

Rotting food that they could possibly eat? This must stop immediately. They’re both mentally ill and need to be removed from that house. Start there. As far as preserving the relationship, the relationship you once had is gone. You’re their protector now and that is your priority.

Have you ever watched the tv show Hoarders? Yes, I would say hoarding is an psychological crutch.

Call Adult Protective Services immediately.

I would also call your local police non-emergency number for a wellness check on your dad.

Annonymously APS (Adult Protective Services) and tell them that there are two vulnerable elders living in a filthy, unsafe hoarded home. Also contact the local police where your parents live and ask them to do wellness checks. They will see the conditions and then the state will force services and outside help on them, or they both get placed against their will for their own safety.
I always say nothing gets an elder a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn.