My mother-in-law passed 5 1/2 years ago and her ashes are still in the box from the funeral home. That isn't so much the problem. The problem is the ashes are in "the box" in the basement under the stairs getting dusty. My husband feels his Mother is being disrespected (so do I) because her ashes have not been properly taken care of ie: in an urn, scattered or "displayed" ....how do we or how does my husband approach talking about it with his father.
VS, quite right about Islam. Whereas in Hinduism cremation is mandatory, and must be done en plein air (they have special crematoria which comply with public health and safety requirements too). It's yet another reminder that what all ritual boils down to is respect: having and applying an accepted method for dealing with life. We just have to let each other get there in our own way.
In the 30 years since FIL's passing, MIL has moved four times. FIL was lost more than once. But he was always found again. LOL!
MIL passed about a month ago and the funeral home cremated her, then did the mixing with FIL. They will be scattered at some point in the future, unless they are lost first. And the ashes currently reside in the house of my ex. Maybe there is one more cremains hunt in the future. ;)
If one relative has the ashes and other relatives have a different idea of what should be done with those ashes, the logic thing is simply to talk about it.
I'm an Air Force brat and I read in an excellent book (Military Brats) that military brats and career military families favor cremation because we're so used to moving around, we can take them with us. That's my view about why I do what I do.
Funny thing is, in five years, neither my brother or my mother has asked where Dad's ashes are. Out of sight, out of mind I guess. I find that weird.
Seriously, a couple religious perspectives on this:
catholicworldreport/Item/1719/changing_catholic_attitudes_about_cremation.aspx
http://reformjudaismmag.org/articles/index.cfm?id=1446
Islam generally forbids it though.
You can also have cremains made into jewelry, or added to a coral reef.
Just a tip.
I thought about where to be scattered but now I might have to rethink it... there is a resort in West Virginia where we always enjoyed hiking beautiful mountain tops.... then it dawned on me, what if he and I live to be 90... there would be no way he could hike up to the top of that mountain.
Time to think of Plan B.
IF one of our kids came to me and said, "It would mean a lot to me to be able to do xyz with Dad's ashes," I would probably get around to spooning out some ashes into the little butterfly urn I bought for the purpose, check to see if any other kids would like some of the ashes, and give the remains to the one who asked. IF anyone asked. You want something done with the ashes, you ask. (I suggest you leave out any reference to respect, as that might sound critical.)
I bought the little urn because I'm kind of sentimental. It has nothing to do with being respectful. But I find that each time I look at the urn I smile in memory. I guess it doesn't really matter if I actually put some ashes in it or not. It is serving its purpose.
10-1, either the widow is creeped out by the ashes, or he just doesn't care and believes the same as I do.
I would just ask. Wait 'til her birthday or something, or plan it for a celebration, if you can. If he says "leave it alone," you could actually wait until he passes and co-mingle their ashes together.
But I agree, what remains in those urns are not really my parents. I believe they've gone on to another place.
There's a company called Rock of Ages out of Rutland, Vt., that has makes urns in a variety of price ranges. They're lovely people, and they'd be glad to send your father a brochure, or he could check out their website.
Your MIL, of course, is not really under the basement stairs; she's moved on to another plane, or Heaven, or been reincarnated, or whatever happens to people when they die, but dealing with her cremains is a good idea before your FIL dies or goes into a nursing home, at which time they'd become your problem.
Then, start the conversation with your FIL with, "Dad, we've been thinking about mom's ashes and what she'd like done with her ashes , , . here's what we've been thinking..." then a brief, clear, concise recital of what you've decided. Follow it up with (and this wording is IMPORTANT): "How does that sound to you?"
If yes, proceed. If no, then . . . "Well, all this time, we've had mom's ashes under our basement stairs. We know THAT'S not what she'd want. So I brought them with today so we could place them here in your home together. I think she'd want that most of all. How about if we put them ________ ?" (Have a spot picked out in your head) Then place them, have a toast to her memory with some sparkling grape juice you've brought along, give dad a big hug and go on.