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Getting others to help, friends or family, is not always an option. Some family lives a distance, all work and have families, some are just unwilling. My son has been home 21 years and requires total care so not easy for just a 'babysitter'. Before him, I was my mother's guardian for 10 years, she had dementia. Before that, my disabled father lived with us. The kids were grade school and Dad was here 10 years. Basically I have been in this all of my adult life and am now 74 and yes I can be resentful but I do not see any way out either. I am afraid sometimes there just is not an answer.
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lots of good advice below, but I’ll give you my take on it since you asked. I don’t know your relationship with your mother so my answer may have changed with that info.

1. Yes, you do need to take care of yourself, and people have given you a lot of good ideas below. Some you may be able to do, some not. But create some mental and physical time for you every day.

2. Although it may not seem like it now, this situation will not last forever. I know. I looked after my mother and father for 20 years with fortunately the help of some wonder sitters. I was either taking care of their financial matters, their physical well-being, or both. I maintained their .77 acre yard with little to no help. All my sweet, precious daddy wanted was to live out his last days in the family home surrounded by his memories and I wanted to do that for him. All my family is gone now. My mother, my father and my brother. I’m so glad to know that I did for them what I did. Was it hard? Absolutely! Did I feel loneliness and frustration sometimes? Of course! But now as I look back, it seems like it all went by so quickly. One day you’ll likely be looking at that same chair when your mother goes wondering where the time went and wishing you could ask a question or see her smile.

3. See if you can find a help group in your area of people going through the same situation and learn and share with them. Google groups in your area and check with your local aging commission. They may have some resources for you as well.

I wish you all the best.
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As my husband's caregiver, his dementia has unhappily changed both our lives in ways I couldn't have imagined.

One of the things that helped me was to realize that my feelings of sadness were feelings of grief. Dementia is often referred to as the long good-bye because the person we love is slowly disappearing, in ways unpredictable - and difficult to tolerate at times.

Lots of good suggestions here; I hope you can find something that helps. Yours is not an easy journey, so please remember to be gentle with yourself.
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I'm right where you are. You are not alone and please keep sharing when you need to because it does help. I'm 52 and my 85 year old mom was diagnosed 4 years ago with Moderate Alzheimer's. She then moved in with my wife and I while we still have one of our 6 kids living at home with us as well. My wife and I had actually just gotten married when this happened and this situation hasn't really helped in that department. I feel alone most days. The first couple years were ok actually. My sister who lives close was willing to help and take her on occasional weekends. That ended in the last couple years though.....as her life became too busy for mom. I've been feeling like you lately and resentful of my siblings and jealous of friends who can just go wherever they want. It's an up and down battle with emotions for sure daily. I find meditation, writing, walking and exercising in the morning before she gets up, and occasional dinner with friends to be helpful. Financially we can't afford to put her in a good home either and it's not what she wants. I hope in the future I can just bring in the respite care offered by the county here as needed to give me break and help in those final stages. I know that I will miss my mom of course someday and I'm grateful to be able to care for her now because she is and always will be the kindest woman I know, but that doesn't change the way we feel on this roller coaster of care giving while we're in it. As everyone else is saying....be kind to yourself and reach out for help where you can. Enjoy the small things for now and know that you will be proud of yourself when it's all over for doing your best. Please continue to vent or ask for advice on here whenever you want to and just scroll past any negative comments. ;)
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CammyR May 2021
Your response is spot on. Keep fighting the good fight.
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I do not know. I just live day by day and my own health is going down hill due to stress. I did get out yesterday, my daughter took my wife overnight, I went into NYC and so many elderly people on the streets who could barely walk or in wheelchairs but still getting around the city. Dementia is different. I do not know how to deal with my LO’s dementia which now is severe. My controversial opinion is that we are living to long with ill health when it involves our brains dying. It makes no sense to me.
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Tireddaughter2 May 2021
I agree Elwood. Nobody is enjoying themselves.... not you or your wife. I am a firm believer in voluntary euthanasia which should be a discussion we are having before dementia sets in. We all face this dilemma of not wanting our loved ones in a facility but struggling with the isolation of caring for them. I use VC a gratitude app which helps but it is really tough sometimes and at least hear we can empathise with each other. Don’t feel guilty if you need respite. You need it for your sanity.
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Oh my dear. I feel like I'm living proof of "misery loves company." I have pulled away from friends who seem to be "living the life." There is a huge wedge between my sister and me. My mother has lived with me for the past year. She is 96 next month. I am 67. My sister takes her every other weekend. When she came to pick her up last weekend the first thing she said to me was that she would be going on vacation for two weeks in September and wanted me to know ahead of time.
There is no easy solution. I have finally decided to get into therapy to help with the emotional roller coaster I have been on - resentment, anger, self-pity, loneliness - you name it I've felt it.
We are called to serve others. I try to focus on that when I'm having a difficult
day. I also know this will end and I don't want any guilt or regrets.
We caregivers do the best we can with what we're given. Be kind to yourself and know you are doing what you have been called to do.

Try to find those activities you enjoy - reading, listening to music, walking, gardening, painting, crafts, sewing..whatever it is that brings you pleasure- find time to do it. I spend a lot of time in my yard.

This is a great place to come and vent, ask questions and get support. It helps to know there are others who know exactly what you're feeling and going through.

God Bless you. He sees you and knows.
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Catyduke May 2021
Dear Beatlefan,
I’m glad you wrote this. I sometimes feel like nobody cares. My younger son lives with me and my husband. My husband and I have been together 6 years however he has 3 sons and I have 3 sons. I have not seen my 2 oldest sons in over 2 years. I miss them. My husband has only seen his mainly when we went to visit. He’s in the severe stage of dementia so he no longer mentions going to see them.
Anyway to get back to what I was saying, my youngest son stays up at night and sleeps during the day. My husband sleeps more and more so that leaves me to try to take care of everything. I’m tired.
I have respite and my brother does what he can in the yard but he lives away.
So I truly feel alone when I know I’m not.
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You are facing burnout. The lack of enthusiasm for other's success may be a little bit of jealousy as well.

May I kindly and emphatically suggest that you need to enlarge the group of people caring for your mom. Ask family, friends, members of your faith group, and even paid help to give you some more free time weekly, daily time off would be even better. You should have a few people who know your mom's routine well enough to care for her for an entire day and an entire weekend. It is not so you can just "go out and play" (which you really need) but also so others can care for her if you are sick or need to be in the hospital.
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wearynow--Is there a point at which your mother WOULD be eligible for benefits such as Medicaid (thus enabling her to go into a facility), perhaps after having lived in the US a certain length of time? I ask this because I figure such a possibility would give you something to look forward to, and thus a chance to travel, etc., doing what you would like to do.
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If your mother is physically able, put her in a wheelchair and take her with you. Maybe a change of scenery will perk her up.
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I wish to God I knew the answer but I don't. Try to get some people you know and work out something you can do for them so they would give you a break. I went through this and it is not easy. Now on the other side of the coin, I am disabled with serious medical problems and I realize I am going down hill. I live in assisted living and hate the environment - most have dementia, and there is no one high functioning mentally like me. My friends are all gone. I sit and cry constantly mourning for what I once was. I do still force myself, against impossible odds, and little time to make myself do what I did 30 years ago - everything - and ignore the pain and frustration. It keeps me going. I make myself #1 and find something that I love to do daily and that must come first or I will jump into the 6' hole. It is heartbreaking. Can she go somewhere for a day at a time? What about contacting senior centers or religious groups if they can help. Good luck.
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Tynagh May 2021
Ahh, Riley. We are all going to find ourselves in your situation. Some sooner, some later. Let the rest of us know what you find in AL that's worth the while when you're mentally together and obviously cool. 😊
You can be our scout!
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I am sorry I don't know the answer to your life experience question. I am having similar experience with my wife who no longer walks and has had several ischemic strokes prior to cerebral vascular parkinsonism diagnosis. God be with you. You are not alone.
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Can you afford respite care for a week or two to get a vacation? Some rehab/nursing facilities offer this.
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I can understand because I get jealous too if other people or even my cousin talks about vacation..like what’s the point? I’m not interested in anyone’s vacation plans. I’m not going so it doesn’t matter! I can fully understand. Those people will never understand what we’re going through. Hugs 🤗
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nature73 May 2021
I feel EXACTLY the same as you! And I hate it. And hate myself for hating it.
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I take solitary times to read the Bible and listen to what He will say to me.
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wearynow: Seek respite whenever you can, albeit even for a day.
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Oh dear! I’m feeling the same way. Feels like the entire world is making happy plans for life and here I am, not able to even plan for tomorrow. I do feel angry and resentful—mainly towards siblings who are greatly blessed and can help me, but chooses not to because it would be an inconvenience to their happy lives. Oh, good grief! My comfort is in knowing that this is a season of many in life. So, today I cry. Someday my season will end and I will go on. And my siblings will enter their seasons but I can’t say that I’ll run to their aid. If possible, get respite care for a few weeks and go on a much-deserved vacation with your family.
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I feel you. Have you ever heard of Senior Blue book? Look it up on internet. Type in your zip code. They can send you one or use it on line. It will hopefully have all the organization in your area and some are free. I found a group to talk with zoom for now. Also a social worker who is at our local senior center free. ( Which look up your local senior center also)She is going to help me talk through looking to put my parents in a home and a group that will help with that process and they are also free.

Hang in there we all understand what you are going through and it is not easy. Just know you are not alone.
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Dear Weary - I'm not sure where you are located but in most states your Mom will will need to have 5 years residence in the US before she will be eligible to apply for Medicaid. Most ALs have very limited Medicaid beds available.
Back in the days if she were in India, she might have other children, cousins, nieces and nephews to help care for her but this is not back in the day and it's not India. Having just come from India and being older she may be in a bit of cultural shock that is not helped by her dementia. In NJ we have several adult day care centers that promote Indian culture (observe Indian holidays, serve Indian food and speak several indian languages); we also have a number of LTC homes that cater to our diverse population. Yes, they have to paid for out of pocket but that might energize your Mom a bit and might give you a little time to yourself.

In terms of how you are feeling ... you just kind of have to bit the bullet and go with it realizing that your children may be in the same position and feeling the same way in 30 - 40. You don't have a crystal ball to look and see when your neighbor's life may change for the worse but know that it might. Life is a tunnel that is not always fair but those who survive and come out the other end do so with determination and grace. It's alright to feel bitter and a little jealous occasionally but be careful those feelings don't consume you and change your personality for the worse. As we live longer, most people whose parents are deceased go through the long agonizing process of trying to care for them and even when the parents are placed in a facility you still have to monitor and "care" for them. We may not like it but it is part of life.

I wish you peace and tranquility in your journey wherever it takes you.
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wearynow May 2021
I sent you a private message - thank you
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I feel your pain, though I actually enjoy hearing about other people's happy lives because it reminds me that there is another world out there and that at least some people are enjoying it. I pray my life will improve soon. I am hoping for a miracle: that she will reunite with my sisters and I can leave.
She is always on the phone to my sisters and her grandchildren but does not want them to visit her at home, and does not want to spend time with them unless I drive her to meet them. I cannot stand my sisters but I can't abandon my mother as the guilt would kill me. So I am hoping for a full reconciliation between them so I can reclaim my life.
My mother is 81, healthy and sociable, but she is very emotionally dependent and passive-aggressive. I can't hold down a job because she always has some crisis that demands my time. She is able to drive and has her own car but expects me to drive her to the doctor, the chiropodist, the dentist. The only time I get any respite is when she goes to the shops (she likes to browse without me) or the church (she goes every day and only insists I go with her on Sundays).
I am single and have no children so I think the other members of my family see me as the one with the obligation to sacrifice my life for my mother.
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Jingle1 May 2021
EXSISTER...You NEED to get a job and your own income. I cannot stress that enough! I am in a holy quagmire because I did what you are doing...quit my job to take care of my mother, but she had Parkinsons and really needed care. But the financial aftermath has been devastating at 61.
For one if you get disabled, like I am, you may not qualify for disability unless you have so many social security credits in the last 10 years before claiming disability.

As a single person,!your own social security payments will be negatively impacted. Your mother will be dead and gone, and there will be nobody to turn to for financial help unless your mother puts in writing and video that she is leaving you a large inheritance when she dies.

Your mother is able to drive and get around and can call Uber if needed. She is ambulatory on her own.

I cannot stress enough yo you that you must take care of yourself FIRST! If your mother was born and raised in the USA, trust me she already knows or has friends who are in assisted living, who plan to step down into the Nursing home when the time comes. She can also expect the same unless your siblings want to step in and take care of her.

My well to do siblings don’t care what happens to me. They did not want any part of helping my mother while she was alive and she was a fantastic mother to all her children and made great sacrifices for them all, even moreso than me.

Please heed my advice for your sake and become self sufficient and draw very distinct boundaries with your mother once you have a job and secured an apt or house of your own. She will be fine.

Do not let her or your siblings guilt trip you. Like you, I was the only single sibling and they used the same excuses to guilt me in taking care of my mother. You must get the mental strength to create your own life as soon as possible.
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Caring for an elderly parent can be so sad and depressing at times. Only special people are cut out for this. It won’t last forever. You are giving your mom an incredible gift. Hopefully your children are learning a valuable lesson and will care for you in return one day. Try to think positive thoughts. Bless you for what you are doing.
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Well tomorrow isn't promised to any of us, so you'd better live for today. That doesn't mean dump your mother, that means enjoy her while you have her and she knows who you are. There are people not so fortunate as you who never had enough time with their mothers or fathers. And those who never knew them at all.

Perhaps your mother is bored and could use some friends of her own. Can you help her develop a social life? If she has dementia, there are daycare programs. Why can't your husband and children take care of her if you want to jet off to visit a friend in NYC?

Everybody isn't as carefree and happy as you think they are. And 65 isn't a bad place to be if you have taken care of your health. At least you are not alone.
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Wearynow-
You’ve read all the other replies and some are much better than I can comment, but being on this site certainly does let you know you are not alone in the feeling. Even if it’s a temporary state of mind, it still probably runs across all of our thoughts once and awhile. We are human and humans have these great minds that process everything, “good” and “bad”. Being too positive can be just as harmful as being too negative and some days the balance isn’t possible. Finding the right place for your own mental peace is challenging even when you get all the “right” advice.
I know caring for my father was and is my choice and I try to remember that when I’m resentful towards my siblings and other family members that are “grateful” I’m caring for him but give little thought to how much it can hurt to see a loved one deteriorate a little every day. Or maybe they do think about it? I’ll never really know because they have difficulty expressing themselves. All I know is that some days I wonder when I’ll get my life back, and then I feel the punch in my stomach that reminds me it’ll be sooner than I think. I do still have that stab of resentment when a friend says they’re going camping or out of town for a long weekend or whatever, but I clean the wound with the reassurance that my conscience will be clear when my father is gone and at peace, knowing that I did everything I could to help with that. And yes, I remind myself that my unhappiness in the moment shouldn’t block the happiness of others who need their joy as much as I need mine. I try to not steal anyone else’s sunshine; I just have difficulty making my own some days. FYI I recently heard there are 42 million of us caregivers just in the USA.
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Sunflower2009 May 2021
You summed this up beautifully 💐
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