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Husband is mostly bed bound. Taking care of incontinence and stroke issues. Getting dependable care has not worked.


I hate having to care for him after many years of not being cared for or provided for by him.

If you were not cared for or provided for by your husband for many years, why did you not divorce him? Trying to care for someone who's bedbound and incontinent is a very big job, and one that's too big for you to accomplish alone, I'm sure.

Now that he's bed bound from having strokes, your choices are to either keep hiring in home caregivers through an agency, or have him placed in Skilled Nursing permanently where others can care for him 24/7. You can apply for Medicaid to fund his stay in Skilled Nursing if you cannot afford to private pay. Consult with a Certified Elder Care attorney for guidance on that matter and to find out how to keep your home intact for yourself at the same time. You don't want to be left destitute so your husband can live in a nursing home! That's where the EC attorney can be helpful.

Wishing you the best of luck finding a solution to this issue.
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AnnReid Aug 12, 2022
Should coulda woulda, quote Judge Judy.

Too late to benefit from what happened in her past history.

YES to the lawyer! And the best she can find.
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I told my mother when she first started declining, "I'm sorry, we need to find a caregiver here, or an external facility that will be able to keep up with the care you require because as your daughter with no medical training, I can't." She enjoyed the free care I was giving but my back, ankles, shoulders, knees, and mind did not.

Put it plainly. "Your medical care goes beyond what I am able to do." Expect the pushback, and then, push back. "Sorry we need a caregiver / nursing home to see about you because the current situation is not working." And leave it open, without saying for whom...
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Reply to MDaughter50
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If you reach the end of your rope with all this, which would be understandable, go see a lawyer about filing for divorce or legal separation now. See what your options are b/c in reality, you are not tied down to personally caring for this man 24/7, whether he 'wants to go into a nursing home' or not. Sometimes that choice gets removed from a senior after a series of strokes leaves them bedbound and incontinent and no reliable caregivers can be found to care for them.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Ok, I am not a lawyer & I will ignore any past obligations (or lack of) affecting the present. Let's focus on now.

These are my observations;

1. Wives do not need to 'obey' in this day & age.

"He refuses to go to a nursing home. As long as he is mentally competent and wants to go home, a nursing home/rehab cannot keep him".

Ok yes (as deemed competent) he can choose his living arrangements BUT he must choose from real world options.

So he CAN refuse a NH.

But he CANNOT make YOU be his caregiver. See the difference? You are a free adult able to say no, this does not work for me.

He then must find himself an alternative full-time care arrangement. Round the clock staff - either in his home or in another place.

2. We could assume, expect & hope a spouse cares for us - but the reality is it is up to THEM, based on their decision & limitations.

3. *Care* can be provided in many ways. All day servitude with your own 2 hands is NOT the only way.

4. Move your focus from 'he refuses' to what you will & won't do. Then tell him. Simply. Make it crystal clear.

Eg The facts, what you will do, what he can do.

The facts are the stroke has changed everything. Your care needs are very high.

I have arranged an elder Social Service for a Needs Assessment. This will help us. This will highlight what you need. Then assist find the help you need.

You can help by being reasonable. You will be able to have a say, state your preferences & decide from what is available.

Best of luck, Justperforming.
Take the reins now!
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Cover999 Aug 6, 2022
"For Better or Worse..."
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Your option after Rehab was to tell them you could no longer care for him and discharging him to home would be unsafe. Then they can transfer him to LTC. He will have no choice if he is 24/7 care and no one is there to care for him. Next time ur in this position tell them you can no longer care for him. Do not let them tell u they can get you help, it will not be enough.

You need to see an Elder Lawyer to go over your options. One is having your assets split. Husbands half going towards his care in a facility. When gone, he applies for Medicaid. You keep the house and a car. You are given enough of your shared monthly income to live on.
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@Apeter...
your comment that a nursing home will rob children of their inheritance....
Not many things get me as much as someone scrimping and saving FOR their children's inheritance.
Is that what you did when you first started working, putting money away for someone's inheritance? Is that what you did as you earned more and saved more? No, you lived your life and said I am saving for my retirement. (at least that's what most people do)
I would much rather spend my children's inheritance on ME so that they don't have to care for me.
I saved my money for my "old age" so that I can pay for the care that I need.
I know what it is like to be a caregiver, was caregiver for/to my Husband for over 12 years as he declined with dementia. I would not want nor expect that from my kids.
Inheritance be da***d (sorry funkygrandma) I will spend my money for my care if I need it. If I don't then I hope that I will spend what I have on what I want, if there is anything left they can have it.
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PeggySue2020 Aug 12, 2022
Oh, so we are redacting “dam” now? As in Clark Gable telling Scarlett o Hara “Frankly me dear, I don’t give a dam?” G rated in 1939.
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You don't have to care for him if you don't want to. Place him in a nursing home.
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Justperforming Aug 6, 2022
He refuses to go to a nursing home. As long as he is mentally competent and wants to go home, a nursing home/rehab cannot keep him. He was brought home by an ambulance a few weeks ago after rehab.
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I would find a good nursing home and visit him a few times a week. I realize it is hard knowing we are judged by others when we place our family member in a home but your job of being his caregiver is huge and overwhelming. When I placed my mom in an assisted living I felt the guilt but taking care of someone 24/7 is just too much. {ps..moms whole day is about changing pads , wet beds etc}. Good Luck.
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AnnReid Aug 12, 2022
Who the heck CARES what ANYONE thinks of US when we live with the consequences of closing the door at night to leave yourself with someone who “stayed for his own selfish purposes”?

If you find the BEST CARE HIS finances permit and he will be cared for SAFELY and HUMANELY, YOU’VE PAID your MORAL BILL.

The rule in our house is that good care for one of us does NOT indicate enslavement of the other.

That means doing the best self care now, a realistic plan for the future, and awareness of past history that has brought our decision making to where it is.

Find the very best outcome for YOURSELF, OP, then use the best tools at your disposal to execute it.
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I saw this situation with my parents. Dad was NOT a caregiver in any respect. He expected my Mom to wait on him hand and foot which she did, up until dementia intervened. He then berated her mentally and made living with him terrible. I made a cross country move back into their home to help, after Mom fell getting out of bed during the night breaking her arm and pelvis. I cringe at the thought of how long she laid on the floor crying for help (possibly for hours) while my Dad SLEPT across the hall with his door closed to her. He was so out of touch with helping anyone! I managed to help for almost 2 months when I reached my limit. I was going day and night with only a couple hours of sleep. Mom was up and done every 15 minutes to 30 minutes 24 hrs a day. Dad would not help at all. Mom entered his bedroom nightly, turning on his ceiling light and telling him it was time to get up for work, lol. He never so much as rolled over. I couldn't do more as a 24 hr a day caregiver. I moved in with my sister and returned to my parents home at 7am to 8pm, so I could rest. Dad held out for just over a month, before he said it was time for LTC (which he had "promised" Mom he would never do). He made that "promise" to himself and no one else. Mom would never have expected him to care for her, because she knew how he was. He expected her to get a glass of water for him if he was sitting watching tv! After she passed away over 2 years ago now, his health began to rapidly decline as well. I live 35 miles from him and my sister lives 2 miles away. She is not a caregiver what so ever and makes no bones about it. Dad leaned on me alot. I took him weekly to shop and out to eat, seeing him gradually decline with his ability to use a walker. He could not tell where he was placing his feet so he was constantly stepping on his own feet. Hence his many falls, and breaking a hip after being tossed from his riding lawn mower! Several times when I arrived to take him shopping he would be asleep in his recliner still undressed and when I woke him he didn't know why I was there. Didn't matter that I had phoned him 35 minutes earlier. He was in total refusal about long term care, calling it "prison". After note: he rarely went to see Mom for the year she was on LTC. / One day I arrived to take Dad shopping and out to eat and again he was in pajama pants and sleeping, unaware why I was there. He'd must have been in the chair all night or more, from his looks. His lower legs were reddened and swollen. He just would not use the foot rest on his recliner. I contacted his MD and got an appt, and he was admitted to the hospital later that day. My sister and I made an appt with his MD while Dad was in the hospital explaining what was happening at home. We live in a rural area so 24 hr home care isn't easily or even available, and no way was I becoming a 24 hr caregiver again with Dad's mental abuse. I do not know how his MD made Dad understand going home alone was not an option any longer and we weren't going to stay with him, so once he was discharged from the hospital he was directly admitted to LTC at his own request. What a relief it has been to know he now has 3 meals a day and when he falls he has medical attention asap! We knew he'd never never go willing into LTC, but continue to depend on us for entertainment and every need. After 4 years of this, I was ready for someone to take over. Don't beat yourself up over this. He needs more care than you can provide period!
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Reply to Arklady
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It’s no good caring for anyone who has failed to fulfill the role of husband. Decouple your finances by getting a divorce and a settlement. Then just move out and let him find his own answers. You will both be happier. Otherwise, your disdain will turn to loathing and wishing him dead.

Go forward immediately by first making a complete and comprehensive list of your assets. Do the absolute minimum to care for your husband. Then screw up the courage to select a female attorney and make an appointment.
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