I will try to keep this short. My father in law lost his wife 1 year ago and had a stoma bag fitted, so some major physical and emotional trauma. We live close by. I am his daughter in law and his son, my husband, has his own health issues. But he is strong.
My husband also has to worry about the family business. It employs the other 2 brothers. But all the strategy etc falls to my husband. My father in law is very generous with his money but has got into a rut. He is overweight. Eats ready made meals. Never exercises. Thinks we are mad because we do. Watches tv all day. Has what I would call a growing sense of ‘ennui’ and never rings us. We call him every day. He is in our bubble but because of Covid he does not want a visit. But his neighbours come in to drink with him! My worry is that I am getting annoyed about the situation. I wish for once he would call my husband and ask after his health. Occasionally he has left the house to bring my kids McDonald’s but doesn’t mention this as he thinks I am a health freak. I’m not. I eat rubbish and drink. But not all the time. And I exercise. Which he does not appreciate or approve of.
Since I married my husband I have discovered that his parents never cared for his education. They only ever were interested in eating out, drinking and going on cruises. I am annoyed that my efforts at home, and in the business are just about tolerated. The other son lived at home up until a few years ago and he is morbidly obese. He lives beside us but expects us to organise dinners and cater for all every weekend. When I do it becomes a business meeting with the men around the table and me serving them. I and so fed up that they never call us just to see if we are ok. It’s all us doing the caring, hosting and listening. My parents are in their late 80s and live an hour away, but I ring them 3 times a week and they support me. I do not leave a call with them feeling drained and annoyed. They ask about us. Maybe I should back off from the father in law but I feel guilty? If he could just ask about us. At least ask as my husband how he is. I’m not bothered about me. I have enough support from my own family.
And please, never volunteer or be talked into caring for FIL and BIL. Just from what u have posted, they are selfcentered. There are resources out there that they can take advantage of. It looks like sooner or later you may need to care for your DH.
Just some ideas..
The daily welfare call to FIL can be done by his son. You can make a friendly hello call at a lessor frequency, whatever suits you. 2x weekly or 1x weekly, or less.
The next catering weekend is a change for change!
Hey, I'm busy so it's byo this time - bring a plate old-school style or all chip in for pizza delivery. Make it clear DH will not be host running table service or the tab. And you are busy. Out running, at the gym, the hairdressers, driving your car rocking out to your favorites music, somewhere, anywhere, it doesn't matter. You are unavailable. Grown men can surely pull a slice of pizza from a box & pour their drink. Oh, AND clean up afterwards! Or no more dinner meetings.