How to compassionately but forcefully address my mom's hoarding?

My parents and youngest sister lived in a big spacious split level home for 44 years. The upstairs was not a hoarders mess, where my parents spent their time. The downstairs was a mess, worse and worse as our sister aged. She has no need for hangers, is an artist, has tech gadgets everywhere, and eventually her two rabbits were allowed to live downstairs, and under our parents unstable feet. Crazy, but their monkey.

Once us three big sisters and family, relocated them, to their brand new condo, the space was now a regular three bedroom, two bath home, and our sister had never made a home for her own self. She did not downsize much, never fully moved things into spaces that are “home”, and she’s lost. The dining room table is three feet high, with junk, covering every inch, and that table was bought new for their beautiful condo. Year four and a half, and it just gets worse, stuff everywhere, all around the home perimeter. I say nothing. If I did, she would attack me. She did, when I expressed concern, about two bunnies, and a mom who was unstable as it gets. I was told off.

Our dad is a former corporate retail big boss who spent his long career making stores all over Alaska perfect, or else. He is OCD seriously, and I have no idea how his mind can deal with this atmosphere. But he gave her the power and she will not even let him clear the table, if he wanted to try.

Once upon a time, they were going to follow number 3 daughter to Hawaii, then Bellingham, trying to downsize for both, and the emotional distress was intense. That daughter tried to help clean up the mess in garage, and they filled it back up. My experience is that folks that have too much attachment to things, cannot easily give them up. Good luck.

It’s not easy. I go through every hidden space, closet, cellar, every space, every year. I was traumatized by the relocation, what we found and had to handle. It was hard. I did the same thing for my grandpa, 20 years previous, our two elementary age kids helped. Mom could not do much. She swore to never do that to us, but they did not do what I’m scared not to. Handle our business. Our experiences sure can shape us, and mine have helped me to have a better aging process. I l cannot let our kids down.

As lealonnie1 has observed, hoarding is a mental disorder. It is not rational. If you think you will go in and "clean" up for her and she'll be happy about this, prepare your own self to be shocked and disappointed and rebuffed. And she will replenish her hoard and your relationship will be negatively impacted.

Your best strategy before you do anything or talk to her further would be to consult with a therapist who specializes in hoarding disorder. This therapist will give you strategies and boundaries so that you can better help and support your Mom. Have you ever watched an episode of "Hoarders" on cable? If not, please do so you see what you may be in for. I wish you all the best as you work to help your Mom.

P.S. Disregard what I said if the clutter in her house is literally garbage that ought to be thrown away or put into a recycling bin.

But if anything is of sentimental value, she'd be devastated if it's discarded without her knowledge. That's what storage facilities are for.

That's a tricky situation. I was caregiver for a lady who had an 18-inch-wide path in her house for walking. The rest of the space was covered with storage boxes stacked waist-high. Even her bed had boxes on it. She had to put the boxes on the floor every night before going to sleep, then put the boxes back on the bed when she woke up so that she could exit the room.

I was not a relative, so I didn't criticize or judge her for it. I also knew her granddaughter was aware of the situation, so I stayed out of it. But if it were up to me to do something about it, I'd consider renting a storage unit to keep things for the duration of the recovery post-surgery, provided that the expenses aren't great. That way, you'd have the space to walk around inside the house, even with a wheelchair if that's what she needs to have while she heals. Set a non-negotiable deadline on when she can either cull her possessions or stuff everything into fewer boxes that take up less space!

Getting rid of her stuff while she's away will create a huge rift between you, so it's risky to try. The feeling of betrayal will be hard to get over.

Best of luck to you.

You can't really do anything for a hoarder, because they refuse to get rid of anything. It's all 'treasure' to them, even though it may be trash to the rest of us. I guess you can clean up her house when she's at the hospital getting her knee replaced, but prepare to be met with anger when she sees what you've done.

Hoarding is an anxiety disorder and best handled by a psychologist who can work with your mother to help her pare down her hoard, on mom's terms, a little at a time. I realize you probably don't have a lot of time, so maybe just clear out more space while she's hospitalized. Is she going to rehab afterwards? That would be ideal and give you more time to clear her house out and make it safer for her return. But again, don't be surprised if/when she brings in a whole new pile of junk to replace what you've gotten rid of.

Wishing you the best of luck with a no-win situation.