Please don't hate yourself for your feelings. They are very normal. Keep reading here and you will see you are FAR from alone. Plus you've been doing this for TEN years! No matter what BS guilt your mother puts in your head you have gone above and beyond! It's your MOTHER who is being selfish!
No loving normal mother would ever subject their child to this type of torture. Does your mother know her living in your home for TEN YEARS has put your marriage and your mental health at severe risk? If not maybe it's time to tell her. Right before you tell her that you will help her find an assisted living facility where you can visit as her daughter and not be her full time care giver.
Exhaustion, unrelenting stress, and constantly getting hit from all sides will cause all kinds of thoughts which would otherwise be out of character. Are you sleeping and eating well? Is your blood pressure OK? It's unbelievably sad when it all falls on one person to save the situation and then it's shocking to others in the equation when that one person who gave from the heart and soul now needs some compassion. I am so sorry you feel like this right now. I've been there. There is hope.
I wouldn’t stay alone or just with your mother feeling that way. Likely, you’re exhausted and stressed out. Tell someone that you need immediate respite time so you can rest and think about options. Keep calling until you can get some help. Once you’re rested, you will be better at looking at things clearer and able to explore your options. You have a right to your feelings. You might see your doctor too. Being stretched too thin can cause anxiety and depression. Keep in mind that things can and will get better. You will be able to feel better eventually.
I’m sorry you’re in such an emotional mess, most of us would be in taking care of someone with so many needs for this long. With your mind and marriage in tatters, I hope you see you’re no good to your mother, that’s not judgment, you’ve done all anyone could ask. It’s time for you both to have care for yourselves that is both kind and compassionate. This isn’t healthy for anyone. You need to find a new place for your mom, without any long explanation or justification, you simply can’t any longer, it’s not working. I wish you the best and hope to see here that you’ve taken the courageous step to make changes for the better
Sometimes placement for our mothers is the only answer. At what point do you take YOUR life and YOUR marriage back, putting it first, and move forward? It's not your responsibility to take care of your mother in your home. Many, many of us care for our parents in an Assisted Living or Nursing Home situation instead. Believe me, there is still plenty to do between finances and medical decisions, etc., so you'll still be involved, just not on a 24/7 basis.
I placed my folks in Assisted Living back in 2014 because there is no way I'd put myself or my husband through in-home care, with incontinence, dementia, and about 20 other conditions in place including being wheelchair bound. My dad passed in 2015 and my mother still lives in the ALF, but in the Memory Care section now at 93 years old. Best decision EVER, as she's very well cared for, my marriage is intact, and so is my mind. I still work part time and manage to have my own life in addition to caring for a very difficult mother.
Wishing you the best as you make decisions for YOURSELF now.
Thank you for reading my post. I find this role sometimes harder than raising my family ever was. She feeds my head with guilt and feels this is my role since I am her daughter. I try to keep the peace with her and my husband although I do stay out of the small arguments. She thinks I’m a doctor and has all the answers but refuses to talk about what’s really wrong with her. I know I’m rambling I’m just all over the place
I appreciate your response. It’s funny you mentioned about your mom thinking you are her doctor. My dad is that way and it frustrates me. He expects me to have all the answers but also expects me to read his mind as to what’s going on. So instead of having an adult conversation, I’m left to read his queues and try to pry information out of him. Today was that kind of day. Anyway, hope your days get better. Come back and ramble anytime you need!
Sometimes it’s what is causing those feelings that needs to be dealt with and then other things fall into place a bit. I sense the defeat and exhaustion in your post and want to help. I’m hoping you can explain a little more about what is going on. In the meantime, please know that you are not alone in your feelings. That’s why we’re all here.
No loving normal mother would ever subject their child to this type of torture. Does your mother know her living in your home for TEN YEARS has put your marriage and your mental health at severe risk? If not maybe it's time to tell her. Right before you tell her that you will help her find an assisted living facility where you can visit as her daughter and not be her full time care giver.
Please put yourself and your marriage first.
I placed my folks in Assisted Living back in 2014 because there is no way I'd put myself or my husband through in-home care, with incontinence, dementia, and about 20 other conditions in place including being wheelchair bound. My dad passed in 2015 and my mother still lives in the ALF, but in the Memory Care section now at 93 years old. Best decision EVER, as she's very well cared for, my marriage is intact, and so is my mind. I still work part time and manage to have my own life in addition to caring for a very difficult mother.
Wishing you the best as you make decisions for YOURSELF now.