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Hello. I'm new to all this. I've been taking care of my 87 year old father in my home. I am his full time caregiver. However, an accountant by trade. So most of the information I am getting is from the Internet. I feel I am doing a good job. But one thing bothers me. I had to switch to adult diapers when I moved him here last June. At first I told him it was because I didn't want him to rush to try to make it to the potty and fall. He was having a problem getting up on his own. He now can get standing on his own for the most part, but he just seems happy sitting in his recliner all day. I make him get up a few times a day to walk and get moving. I even suggest "let's go to the potty and freshen up" But he is stubborn. I was letting him do this and making sure I would wash him up good every morning and night. I am the only one that he will let bath and dress him at the moment. I don't know if I am enabling him or if I'm lazy in letting him do this. I need to have a conversation with him, but I don't know how to start. He is showing signs of memory loss. I plan on doing a teleconference with his doctor about it before his next appointment. I have a hard time telling the doctor things I've noticed while my dad is sitting there. I don't feel right "talking above him" like he is not there. I just don't want an unhealthy situation to be left go unchecked until the doctors appointment. If anyone has had this conversation with their loved ones, please let me know how you started it!

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It sounds like you are there with him daily so I am going to go by that.
Get him up every 2 hours, set an alarm if you have to. If he needs to go great if not just getting up and changing positions often allows the bladder to empty more fully. This will be a he does not have a choice thing. He gets up every 2 hours if he wants to or not. Work a snack or a drink into the trip so that he is getting something for getting up. (reward type system that he probably used when you were little)
To communicate with the doctor, if you are on his medical forms to allow communication about him, most doctors offices have Patient Portals you can set up the portal yourself if he does not use the computer and submit your questions, comments and concerns. This way you can inform the doctor without "talking above him".
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CindyLo Sep 2020
Thanks for your input. I do have a 2 hour routine with him about getting up. Finding it difficult to get him to focus on a task, I start about an hour before and tell him, at such a such time, I'm coming back to take a walk about. I did have PT coming twice a week, that has ended. So I told him that he will have to do his exercises with me. It's hit or miss with that. I am home with him 24/7. Today my sister was with him to give me a break. Before I left, I showed him that I left another pair of pants and briefs on the hamper for him. Since I seem to be the only one that he'll let help him change, I thought it might help get him motivated to change more often. It seemed to work. When I got home, he had actually went in the bathroom (while I was out) and changed himself. He didn't get his brief's up ALL the way, but good enough. So I know he knows the difference of being wet now. I will check out the Patient Portal for his doctors. I am set up for it. Just not familiar with it yet.
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I know that many people who come to the forum say that their incontinent loved ones that refuse to toilet and/or sit in their obviously wet or soiled clothes and incontinence products are not cognitively impaired, if you have pointed out that they are wet and smelly and they are not horrified enough to rectify the situation then I would question that assertion. Incontinence can be an inability to make it to the toilet in time but it can also be the physical inability to feel the need to go and an unawareness that they have gone, but that shouldn't mean they can't recognize the need to compensate for that and keep themselves clean. I think your best scenario would be scheduling his bathroom breaks, send him to use the toilet every time you can pry him from the chair - meal and snack times, an exercise break for some fresh air, help with any little chores around the house.

PS - Keeping him moving is also important to keeping his strength and ability to move.
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CindyLo Sep 2020
Thank you. I will make sure I mention it to the doctor when I conference with him.
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I know your frustration. 83 yo mom in law won't change hers until she's soaked through her clothes onto the couch. When asked why she doesn't change more often, she says "I'm not wet!" I've suggested she needs to change daily, like regular underwear, but I may as well be talking to the wall.
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