Mom hasn’t been diagnosed yet but will see a neurologist mid month. She is having more frequent episodes of not finding where she has placed things and then accusing me of taking things or “messing with her things”. She gets very angry and is hateful. This is just starting and I don’t know how to approach it. No reasoning with her so now I ignore her. What else can I do? She is living alone and until she is diagnosed and POA talks with MD, we don’t know what to do. Family does live close by so they keep an eye on her.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Why seniors with dementia make false dementia accusations
Their accusations may sound crazy, but the situation is very real to your older adult.
Their minds are trying to make sense of the world while their cognitive abilities are declining.
People with dementia often feel anxiety, frustration, and a sense of loss. Those feelings, plus memory loss and confusion, can easily lead to paranoia.
That’s why many seniors with dementia feel like people are stealing from them or mistreating them.
When they can’t find something they’ve misplaced, their brain leads them to believe that someone stole from them.
These dementia accusations can be extremely hurtful to hear, but it’s important to remember that they’re not personal attacks against you.
Their brain can’t make sense of what’s happening and has created an alternate version of reality to compensate.
8 ways to deal with false dementia accusations
1. Don’t take it personally
Remember that your older adult is only making these accusations because of their declining cognitive abilities.
2. Don’t argue or use logic to convince
It’s important not to argue or use logic to convince someone with dementia that they’re wrong.
You simply can’t win an argument with someone whose brain no longer processes logic properly. And arguing will only make them upset and more insistent.
3. Use a calm, soothing tone and positive body language
When responding to someone who is worked up over something they strongly believe, it’s essential to stay calm.
4. Create a calm environment
Creating a calm environment is another way to reduce the tension in the situation.
Reduce noise and commotion by turning off the TV, asking other people to leave the room, or playing slow songs or classical music at a low volume.
5. Stick to simple answers
When you respond to their accusations, keep your responses short and simple.
Long explanations or reasoning may be overwhelming and cause more agitation and confusion.
6. Distract with a pleasant activity
The best way to stop them from obsessing about their accusation is to validate, then distract.
Switch to a fun, engaging, or satisfying activity as soon as possible after sympathizing with how they feel.
Maybe it’s a good time to offer a favorite snack or drink. Or you could ask for help with a no-fail task they enjoy, like folding “laundry” (aka lots of hand towels).
7. Keep duplicates of frequently misplaced items
If you notice a pattern where your older adult frequently hides and then loses a certain item, consider buying multiples of that item.
For example, if they’re constantly misplacing their wallet, buy another of the same style so you can offer to help them “find” it.
8. Seek support and advice from people who understand
Being accused of stealing, abuse, or other terrible things can be devastating.
Even if you can hide your true feelings to avoid further upsetting your older adult, it still hurts inside.
Your best bet is to learn all you can about dementia so you know how to handle mom. And don't leave her alone; it's not safe to do so!
Have you tried "looking" for something along with her that she has misplaced?