My mother has what appears to be moderate to late dementia (says people break into her house while she sleeps and steals things that she, in fact, misplaced herself, confabulates constantly, says airliner contrails over her house are Russian planes spying on her, and many other things). Anyway, I had a severe blow today and I'm not even sure how to deal with it.
Some of the examples I gave above are the tip of the iceberg but this is something new. Her husband was in the hospital and she stayed with him for two nights. As usual, we got called (my brother and I) several times a day to bring her "important" things to the hospital room, such as "not that green blouse that somebody put in my bag, but that red one hanging in the closet at home", etc. So we did.
He was supposed to be discharged today (and was) but surprisingly, we got a call from the Dr. himself about two hours early saying he wished to have a conference meeting beforehand. We thought it would be about new medications or something related. Wrong. He informed us that we (my brother and I) would be contacted (and investigated) by DHR for claims of elder abuse that were lodged against us by my mother.
I hold the hospital and doctor blameless because they're required by law to report all claims of that nature. What they don't know is what my mother considers "abuse". For example, if I'm standing in her kitchen and she tells me she needs a gallon of milk (yet again) and I look in her fridge (which we've learned we have to do) and gently point out that she currently has 3 unopened gallons of milk in there, she explodes and says she doesn't appreciate being called a liar and she'll never, ever ask us to do another single thing for her.
On top of that, she'll call our sister and tell her that we "abused" her, referring to the fact that we contradicted something she said. Which to her is a very serious offense.
Because of these allegations she's now made at the hospital, my brother says he's done. He's moving as soon as he finds a place for rent, leaving me as her one and only family caregiver. I have 4 siblings, but three of them, although they live less than 10 miles away, haven't visited her in years.
I tried to explain to him that I've been dealing with this for years and although what she did was shocking, it wasn't surprising. He's not as used to it as I am and it's just overwhelming to to him to think he's being investigated for something he didn't do.
Are other family caregivers going through similarly severe false accusations of "theft", "trickery", "abuse", etc. and how are you dealing with it?
I wouldn't worry too much about the home check. The investigators will figure out what is really going on pretty quick. Just be calm and give them the honest facts regarding the situation.
Example, mom makes these accusations and you get some bleeding heart, fresh from college, going to right all the wrongs against seniors social worker. You get charged based on moms lies. Even if you are found innocent you will suffer consequences, this crap stays in your record. Then something happens to your kid and you need to take your grandchildren into your home, guess what? You will not be approved because you have prior charges of abusing a vulnerable person, now your grandchildren pay the price for this evil thing you call mom.
I, honestly, can not understand why anyone would take abuse allegations lightly. Your life and future are at stake and you hope you don't end up in prison because of her lies? Wooo, that is playing Russian roulette with a batchit crazy, evil thing and could very well be a real bullet to your head.
Bravo to the other siblings for walking away from her. Prayers that you too can wake up and see the actual danger this is to you and your family.
It's time to tell the hospital that there will be NO family support provided from here on in.
Let the hospital call APS and get them help.
Is the hospital staff aware of this?
Do you have a written diagnosis?
Is your dad cognizant?
And one other question...
Are you living with mom?
You are correct that they have to follow up with any accusation of abuse.
I am sure that any investigation they will talk to the staff that have had contact with your parents and ask if they have observed any "abuse".
If you have a written diagnosis of dementia you can present that to indicate that your mom may not be the most reliable person.
If your dad is cognizant he can also tell the people investigating that there is no "abuse" and that this may be typical reaction for mom.
For my last question.
If you are living with mom and dad...move out.
This sounds like a toxic environment. If dad needs help they can hire caregivers, if mom needs help they can hire caregivers.
Honestly if mom does have dementia it may not be safe for dad to care for her if he is still recovering. And she may not be safe at home alone.
Are you her guardian?
If your mother hasn't been declared incompetent in court, she is allowed to direct her own life as badly as she wishes
You are not legally responsible to enable your mother's charade of independence.
You need to learn to say "no, mom, I can't possibly do that".
Talk to the hospital discharge department this morning about getting her husband placed. Ask them to assist with notification to Social Services that mother should not be living at home without supervision.
I just read your reply to LosingItToday.
Sounds like your mother may have been like this before and if she has dementia now it’s like throwing gasoline on a fire .
You better start THINKING about yourself before your ( mentally ill ) possibly narcissist of a mother outlives you .
You definitely need to step way back if you want to live to enjoy that grand baby of yours . Many of us , myself included , had a mother like this and thought we had to stick it out when all the other siblings walked away . My mother is dead now , but it almost killed me .
You are not obligated to take care of your mother , nor be abused , nor put yourself in danger of being accused of things . The county or state can take over her care. Get the Agency of Aging involved or APS . Or if she ends up in the hospital , you tell them you can’t help anymore and don’t take them home when they are discharged .
I’d like to know how so many of these women who have these personalities find a husband to stay with them . Sheez
As my daughter says "you made this monster". You jumped when she called. You allowed her to treat you the way she has. Your sisters were the smart ones. Its time to walk away. You cannot help her. She needs a Physic evaluation and medication. Memory care or Lomg-term care. She can't care for her husband and he can't care for her. The State will get them placed and help quicker than u can. She needs professional help.
If you hold POA and they have dementia diagnoses, you can place them in Memory Care Assisted Living against their will. Sell their home to finance the cost, and know they're being cared for properly, and safe, w/o a ton of further involvement from you.
Propping mom up at home so she can appear independent, at this stage of dementia, is dangerous and costing you way too much time, effort and now real legal troubles.
I understand feeling the need to be there for mom and to help her, I really do. But now things have crossed over a line where you've entered The Twilight Zone. Something's gotta give or your life will be totally ruined by moms dementia.
You may want to set up a consultation with a Certified Elder Care attorney to discuss your options, Medicaid eligibility, and how to go about handling all of this chaos.
Best of luck to you.
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