Hi. My mom (76 yo) suffers from dementia, almost advanced stage, she's totally dependent for everything. She lives with my father (almost 79), who is mentally and physically ok. They live in the same building with my two brothers. I visit them on the weekends, and very often on weekdays, especially when I have days off work. We also have a female caregiver from 8 a.m. to 3 pm.
Mom is luckily very calm, and I really like being around her. Plus, I do everything when there, but my father is driving me crazy with his loud TV, watching the news and political talk shows, almost 24th. Whenever I ask him to lower the volume, or go and watch TV in his room instead, he gets defensive. I also asked him twice, in the lady's presence, letting him know that he has to be considerate of others (expect me) too. He just got defensive, as usual. We have also told him to go out for some fresh air, when the lady is around, but he won't listen.
Is there anything I can do?
Does he need hearing aid?
I think, it's more about him being inconsiderate, and loud, by nature. On the other hand, he wants me to be there and do everything for them. I could well not, but I do everything for my mother's sake.
I know, you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but the loud TV is driving me mad when I am there.
Would he go for a walk or do a little gardening if he could listen to a podcast similar to one of his shows? Or maybe an audiobook downloaded from the library by one of the authors that are guests?
It could be a way to introduce Bluetooth headphones if you do the setup and tech support. Set it up on his phone or a hand me down Kindle Fire or other device.
I only watch a few things (news, SpongeBob SquarePants, anime, Chicago Fire, etc) otherwise I play video games, listen to music, cook, etc
Honestly, TV just isn't worth it anymore IMHO
If you are able to overlook his “defensiveness”, it’s time to do that.
TELL HIM, as unemotionally as you can, that unless he wears a blue tooth setup or other type of comfortable television sound amplifier when he’s asked to, you won’t visit. He can get defensive, he can throw a tantrum, he can do what he pleases, but you are making a reasonable request, and you ARE entitled to reasonable compliance.
Then the ball is in your court to follow through.
Being defensive is bearable. Loud ceaseless noise is NOT.
You say your Father is "mentally ok" but is he really? Unless he was always like this, something else is going on with him.
His defensiveness could be depression, or the early stages of dementia, where people begin to lose their abilities of reason, logic, inhabitions and empathy.
My Mom is the same way as your Dad. I insisted that she get her hearing checked, then hearing aids, because I told her nobody wants to be shouting things at her or repeating themselves all the time as this makes it very unpleasant to be around that person. She relented and got the hearing aids but I have to put them in for her and she still insists there's "nothing wrong" with her hearing. She also watches "anger-tainment" and every night at dinner if she starts in with any polical or negative talk my husband and I ignore it and change the topic or take out our phones and show her what pictures or videos her grandsons have been posting on Insta, etc. to distract her.
Has he been checked for depression? Has he had a good physical? It seems that sleeping lots and not engaging in activities is a sign that he is having a hard time coping with the realities of his life. It is hard to watch your spouse disappear before your very eyes. Then it could be he has started losing his executive function and gets defensive because he is scared.
This is a rotten disease that effects everyone it is near. I pray your family can find a way.
One of the things my Husband did (before he was officially diagnosed) was watch TV constantly. He did not turn the station until late in the day. He would watch the Weather Channel for HOURS same thing over and over and over.....the time he would change the station was later in the day and he would "watch" Jeopardy then Wheel of Fortune the News then get ready for bed. I do not think he was able to tell time, he "knew" when his show came on by what was on.
Getting someone with dementia (diagnosed or not) to change their routine is nigh unto impossible.
Can dad be sent on a "mission" when the caregiver arrives. Can she ask him to go get the mail? Go get the paper? Is there a store near that he can walk to?
(if there is a possibility of dementia getting him out on his own may become a problem as it might become dangerous.)
Is it also possible that your dad has the TV on loud because he can not hear it? When was the last time he had a physical and had his hearing checked?
My late husband(who had vascular dementia)watched TV 24/7, and much louder than I preferred. He would only turn it down when I would go to bed, and that was only at my request and often I would discover that he would then turn it back up.
I couldn't use ear plugs or anything like that because my husband at that time was completely bedridden in our living room, and I had to be able to hear him if he needed me overnight, so I just dealt with it, and would often sneak in after he fell asleep and turn the TV off.
Your father's not going to change, so you're going to have to. Time to invest in some headphones or the like.
As we get older [I am your Mom's age] we do lose some of our hearing due to normal age decline. In the past we use to set the volume on our TV at 35 [each TV company has different numbers], over the years the volume has crept up to 45. Now I understand what my parents were going through.
We also use "close caption" numerous times as now a days actors in TV shows do not speak clearly compared to the old TV shows. One draw back is if the actor is speaking at warp speed, the "close caption" has trouble keeping up or flashes the sentence too quickly. We noticed that with the new TV series "Will Trent" that began this week.
Does he have any friends who could come by and take him for a walk while you're there? Or could your brothers or their families join in an activity with him?
You don't have to be there as much as you are. They have help, and you need to protect yourself.
As for protecting myself, you're right, but I need to be around these days because mom fell a week ago - I forgot to mention this info earlier - and is barely mobile on her own.
I wonder if dad himself is suffering some cognitive impairment in addition to hearing issues? Listening to NEWS all day long would drive anyone to a state of insanity, I think, so I would suggest to dad he watch a nice movie or something!
Don't try to change dad, is the best advice you can probably get. It's like beating your head against a brick wall....you'll be the one to wind up with the headache, not dad.
Best of luck.
We actually slept in separate bedrooms for the last 8 years b/c he refused to not have a TV in the bedroom. I couldn't sleep with it on! He chose an APPLIANCE over me. That hurt!
No compromise whatsoever. I moved out and he didn't care.
In our "NEW" home he was scouting out where the master bedroom TV should go. I put my foot down and said "You can have the biggest TV in the world, but you cannot put it in the bedroom". I stood my ground and he put an enormous TV in the kitchen/gathering room. I bought him a gorgeous recliner and he sits in that with BLUE TOOTH headphones on and I don't have to hear the stupid debates.
He likes to golf (too snowy right now) and he 'thinks' now he's retiring that he's going to take up woodworking, but I don't see how or why. He has no friends, just work colleagues, but he is close to our Sons in Law.
He told me the other day that his retirement means that I'm retiring. I couldn't hold back the laughter, Having him home is easily twice the work of when I'm alone.
Get your hubby some quality blue tooth headphones. DH wears them and listens to podcasts and music. He has very poor hearing and refuses to wear his $6K hearing aids. I have given up that battle.
Some battles are not worth the fight. He misses a LOT in life due to the hearing issues and the obsession with right wing politics.
I go downstairs to my craft room and leave him be.
Our 'Golden Years' are nothing like I'd thought they'd be.
Modern hearing aids are nothing like previous kinds. They're so inconspicuous that no one even knows someone is wearing them. What is conspicuous is if an elder keeps saying, "Whassat? Who? I can't hear you! Huh?" At some point, people don't try to communicate with a hard-of-hearing elder anymore. That social isolation contributes to various maladies that no one wants.
Sad. Huh? What? Who? SAD.
If your Dad is watching TV all the time, maybe he is bored or using it as a mental escape. Living with a spouse with dementia certainly must be depressing. Can someone stay with your mom while he is able to get an emotional and mental break? Physical activity will be helpful to preserving his own brain for his future quality of life. Even a change of activity will help- he could go to a museum, ride a stationary bike, read a book, engage in a discussion or take on a new hobby (or revisit a former one) to use for escape.
You still have him, so love him as he is. If that means wearing earplugs while you are visiting him in his home, where he is comfortable, do that for him. Someday you may look back on these days as “the good old days” and you may wince if you remember that you spent your time with him, when he was still younger and healthier, criticizing and scolding him in his own home.
Adult Protective Services might be interested to evaluate him for dementia. Video both of them so that APS can assist in placing mom in memory care.
Non compliance and refusal or inability to cooperate may be symptoms of other decline. Does he have hearing deficit? If he is cognitively appropriate and, in his home, unfortunately there isn't much that can be done to force him to comply. Perhaps try engaging him with a faith leader of choice present to have a " conversation" ...or have other social services involved ( above and beyond the caregiver.
I really do think that he is a lot worse mentally and physically than he lets on and that you know about. I don't know if you can drag him to the doctor, however that would be a good first start.
...for you, buy some good fitting ear buds and learn to ignore the TV at his house.
Have you looked into managed care? Would it be less expensive to move your Mom and Dad into Assisted Living/Memory Care? Two of the residents at my Mom's MC are a husband and wife, sharing a room. She is so devoted to him that she would not allow him to live in MC by himself. When she needs help with her husband, there is someone near by. Its a win/win for both the husband and wife. They encourage them to get out of the room and go join the others.