How to deal with family and friends not visiting terminal mom on hospice?

Be open and welcoming and let them know that it would be wonderful for mom if they'd stop by for a visit. Ask them to call first so she can be looking her best.

I've known people who didn't want others visiting them and seeing them as they were before they died. I always make sure someone wants to see me before I suggest a visit under those circumstances. Perhaps her friends are just waiting for a sign that they would be welcome.

Lwayne,

Everything about your situation is hard. You are your mother’s primary caregiver. She is dying. You want her to be at peace. I understand.

I was the primary caregiver for my mother for many, many years. All we can do is show our love. You are doing that beautifully.

I don’t feel like we should tell others what to do or not do.

Not visiting doesn’t necessarily mean that someone doesn’t care about the person. If it does mean that, all the more reason for them not to visit.

Some people are incredibly uneasy around those who are dying. Others cherish every moment they have left with their family members who are dying.

These decisions are intensely personal. I would allow others to choose whether they want to visit or not visit.

Be honest with your mom.

If someone asks about her, tell her that they are thinking of her, Tell her if they have shared with you that they have difficulty seeing others who are dying.

My mother was blessed with incredible hospice nurses. They grew close to each other.

One day, out of curiosity, I asked Mom’s nurse, if she expected us to visit her daily in her end of life hospice care home.

Mom’s nurse specifically said that Mom did not expect us to sit vigil by her side 24/7 while waiting for her to die.

My mother was not afraid of death. She knew that we would spend as much time as we could with her but that we had other responsibilities too.

I did visit mom daily but I went home in the evening to get proper rest. My mother knew that I loved her dearly. Your mom knows that you love her.

It’s normal for your mom to reflect back on her life and think about certain people.

My youngest daughter was in college and couldn’t visit Mom often, but she did FaceTime with my mother.

If this is a possibility for people in your life, then try it.

If someone is reluctant to do so, let it go. Don’t be angry or upset. They are entitled to their feelings too.

Do you think your mom would like to speak with a social worker or clergy about her feelings?

Wishing you peace during this transitional period in your lives.

Its hard when you know the person is dying. No, see ya tomorrow. We hate to be reminded we are mortal. I have always regretted not seeing a highschool friend or a least phone him when he chose to go off dialysis. He knew he would die soon. But what do you say. "Calling to say goodbye" Really, with him, I could maybe have gotten away with that. He chose the Holidays to do it and I am sure he did that so when the Holidays came around we thought of him and I do.

Just call her friends and say "She would love to see you".

You deal with it by making sure that you're doing your best to make sure that your mom is as comfortable and pain free as possible and that her days are as pleasant as possible under the circumstances.
You have no control over your family members or moms friends, and what they choose to do or not do.
Death for a lot of people makes them very uncomfortable, and they just don't know what to do or say.
So cut these people some slack, and just make sure that they know they are welcome if they choose to come for a visit.

Many people are absolutely horrified at the thought of visiting someone they love when they are dying. It's a natural response to the 'fear' we all have of death.

I know when I had cancer, people stayed away in droves. I also knew that they were put off by how awful I looked and how sick I was. I didn't take it personally, because it wasn't personal.

The few who were true friends came to see me. My daughter lived 3000 miles away and she'd routinely send one of her 'local' friends to check up on me. That was sweet to me.

I'm not mad at anyone who didn't 'acknowledge' my fight with cancer. Dying is far more 'personal' and most people don't know how to handle it.

I am sorry that at the least, your family visits. Mine didn't. Only my kiddoes. My own mom didn't talk to me for the entire year I was actively treating. And, you know? It was OK.

You KNOW the family.
What do YOU think, L.? Did your mom have excellent relationships with family prior to her illness?
What sorts of things did she do with her friends, when she was well.

The best way to find out the answers to my mind is to ask the individuals.
In the case of family perhaps a call to gently ask "Mom misses being able to see you; would you be willing to come to lunch some time next week".

For friends, perhaps a note saying that though she is ill and on hospice Mom would love, love, love a visit to talk about fun memories and share a coffee and some sweets.

I really don't know why they aren't coming, but it seems to be the way of things in all honesty. Illness changes who we are. And the discomfort level with cancers (Having had it I can tell you it's true) is pretty high. The big C is scary for folks to stare in the eye. They cannot do what they used to do with your Mom and that was their relationship. It is gone. She is now the "ill one", not the one "I go to Museum with" or ask to choose next bookclub read.

I bet you could use a lovingly made casserole or a shopper who says "Going to Walmart; got a grocery list I can do for you." And much as their intentions might be great, they will just put that off.
I think it comes down to one word, maybe. Discomfort.
I am so very sorry.

You don't deal with this other than communicating her condition to the family and friends and indicating that visitors are welcome. You can't control other people. Their actions are not your responsibility. You have been taking so much on with caregiving that you have forgotten that you don't have to run the rest of the world (even if you could).