I will try and not make this too lengthy. My mom went into the hospital recently because of a virus, and when she got there her blood work showed that she had not been taking any of her medications, and that she was very confused. The confusion has been slowly coming on for the last year, or maybe even two, from her COPD and lack of oxygen to the brain.
Once she was ready to leave the hospital, she was talked into going into rehab, because there was no way that she can go home and stay by her self. The big issues are that she does not remember to take her medicines, she does not remember to leave her oxygen on, and she has to have prompts to remind her to behave, etc.
Once I, the only daughter, made the decision that she needs to move out of state to be near me in assisted-living, I spoke to her about that daily for almost 2 weeks. I very calmly explain to her that her brain was not working right, and that her brain was not telling her the right things. At that point she seemed very excepting, and told me that even though she had previously said that she did not want to move out of state, because she want to stay near her family and friends, she realized that it was time. I told her all about what kind of a place that I would find for her, and that it would be very nice , and that because I was her person and I just wanted to make sure that she was happy and safe.
The last week I have been in my home state getting a place for her, and making plans to get back up to Kentucky to load her stuff into a U-Haul and move it down here into her new apartment at the AL facility. We have also made plane reservations for my husband to fly up there on Saturday and for him to fly back down here on Sunday.
Over the last few days when I spoke to her on the phone she would tell me more negative things like she is OK to go home, and that they have told her up there that she is doing fine and that she can go home, which are all not true. But, I just got off the phone with her and she is pissed off. She told me that I do not love her, and that I am being awful by moving her away from her friends and family. She then told me that it sounds like she’s not allowed to have any control over her life anymore, etc. I got off the phone and was just in tears.
I am going to Call the social worker first thing on Monday morning while I’m on the road driving, and find out if there is some sort of a mild sedative or something that they can give her on Sunday morning, so that she does not go crazy on my husband on the way to the airport, or at the airport. Call the social worker first thing on Monday morning while I’m on the road driving, and find out if there is some sort of a mild sedative or something that they can give her on Sunday morning, so that she does not go crazy on my husband on the way to the airport, or at the airport. But in the meantime I am trying to figure out how I am going to deal with these times that it seems like she is so clear and lucid, and for the first time tonight displaying such hatred and anger towards me.
This is my first rodeo dealing with all of this. Any and all thoughts and information that you all can provide to help me navigate this, and give me things to think about while I drive for the next two days will be so appreciated.
1. Your mom is confused and probably scared underneath the anger. She's losing her independence to a disease, but she's taking it out on you, her easiest target.
2. Change of any kind can be difficult for people with dementia. She is also probably reacting from that. Again, anger and lashing out is the symptom of that internal discomfort.
3. You are doing the right thing. You've made the best decision you know how. Sometimes when things get tough and upsetting, it helps to remind yourself that you're doing the right thing by your mother. When you were a kid, you had to do things that you didn't want to do but were the right thing too, right?
4. You are a good daughter by doing all this to ensure her well-being moving forward. Don't let her response in this moment take you doubt that you're a good person, a caring daughter, and making the best decision in a situation that has no "perfect" solution.
Hang in there. Seek support. Re-read the above list as needed. Take care of yourself.
And keep us posted on how it's all going!
Get an in-home (or wherever she is) evaluation IN WRITING from two Certified Mental Health professionals. Get those documents in your possession. Make copies. Share them with everyone because the one person you forget to inform, will be the, “gee, if only you’d told Carl at the gas station...” that turns out to be the only witness to some unimaginable delusional crock of crap mom dreams up this week.
Do you have Power of Attorney?