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When i visit i do at dinner (she's worse other times and more prone to scenes) and bring that, a wee bit of wine she loves, spend 2 hours and inevitably when i finally have to go i get "i thought you were gonna stay over" . She has own room but a tiny bed she thinks we'll both fit in. I either say ...gotta go feed all the cats..or there's no room for 2 in this bed.. and pretend I'll go sleep in living room. This is of course after her asking me who's house this is, or who's room/where do i go now, or "i thought i was going home with you". Nothing seems to work, unless she's had her dementia meds before and she's exhausted, but they hold them when I'm coming.


(She has the alzheimers version where she's shouting at the world and beligerent before i go in her room, so she's on tons of meds of course.)


Should i sit in a chair and wait for her to fall asleep? I don't know if she'd even get into the bed if I'm there - or tell them to give 1/2 her meds before i go? They don't wanna mix her meds with the little wine but they give them as soon as i leave anyway.

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I’d try spacing wine & meds out a couple hours. You really can’t depend on a plan because they most of the time don’t go as planned! I placed my mother 3 weeks ago & she’s been refusing meds a lot & not eating the food. If she would take her meds like she did at home, she’d have at least a good breakfast, lunch most of time & ice cream later. Her moods are more agitated & aggressive if she doesn’t take her meds. I can only make suggestions to staff, but I can’t manage the whole show like I did at home. You just have to take a chance that when you go visit her, things will go well! You just have to stay on top of things &.be an advocate. Best of luck with this new adjustment for you and your mom! Hugs 🤗
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Chestershaba3: With dementia at play, your mother has lost rational thought processes. Continue to deflect when she asks you to 'stay over.' Come up with any faux tales, e.g. you have to take your auto into the repair shop and you are already running late for the scheduled appointment, your cats are due for shots, et al. As for the small amount of wine, let her enjoy SOMETHING. True story: My mother and I visited a friend who resided in an assisted living facility. She also suffered from dementia and was allowed wine every afternoon as common practice. Side note - I so admired her talents - a woman who baked bread before sunrise, played tennis and swam laps in her pool, volunteered at the local library, among many other things; she LIVED life.
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When my folks lived in Assisted Living, I'd BRING them Amaretto and Anisette to keep in their cabinet. When my nosey cousin found out, she ran off to snitch to the administration that my folks were DRINKING BOOZE in their apartment OMG, and what about their MEDS??! I told her to mind her own business, so did the AL admin, and that was that, meds or no meds. An elders life is already in shambles w dementia at play so if some wine is going to be an issue, oh well, too bad. That's my opinion on the matter, same as bringing them rich desserts to enjoy. Who cares if it shortens their lives in THIS condition? Poor mom lived to 95 and then some, so SO MUCH for mixing wine w meds and eating sugary desserts, eh?

That said, my mother would insist I stay with her in her Memory Care AL room as well. I'd wait to leave till right before dinner time when she'd be distracted, then remind her it was against the rules for me to spend the night....then I'd make my escape. She'd get busy with dinner and forget all about everything.

Ativan did help mom with the late afternoon Sundowning agitation, too. Terrible situation, AD and dementia. I feel your pain.

Best of luck with a difficult situation.
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My mother is still at the stage where she has cognitive deficiencies but not at the point of official dementia yet.
I do have the same problem with my mother though! I think that sticking with one consistent reason to leave helps since it is less confusing and more likely to be remembered. I too have a cat at home who needs feeding and I do use that. (It turns out that the animal excuse that really works is that I also bring my three dogs when I visit and she can’t handle when one of them barks but she is in an independent living cottage. She does offer to put me up in a motel but then I remind her of the cat as well.) She has begrudgingly learned that the cat is my big reason for going home rather than a motel. I will often take advantage of when she is watching tv and really into a show as a good time to leave. The distraction seems to help her accept that I am leaving. She will go to bed herself when she does fall asleep watching tv but she often spends most of the night in the recliner before she wakes up enough to move.
If your mother is somewhere with 24 hour care can you just ask them to make sure she does move into the bed after you leave if you stay until she falls asleep on her chair? If she usually gets her meds earlier when you are not there then why not ask them to give her the full dose before you leave? They should be able to give them with whatever drink they usually use, not the wine, since they can’t do that legally I believe. If the cats aren’t an acceptable reason to leave then I agree with the “therapeutic fib” approach, before my mother accepted the cats needs I had to come up with things as well.
My mother also has no sense of time so I do tell her that I will be back again the next day or so and that calms her.
I wish you luck!
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Chester,

I am very sorry if you thought that we were overreacting about the wine. Our intention was to help. It was not meant as being overly critical or a judgment about you personally.

You can always call a pharmacist to ask about the interactions between alcohol consumption with meds if you are unsure.

You said that the staff doesn’t like to medicate her after she has had her “wee” bit of wine. I would respect their opinion on this matter. After all, they are the ones who have to deal with her after you leave.

Also, if you read our entire post, we do offer advice and we weren’t only addressing the “wee” bit of wine issue.

I’m sure that you know that alcohol and certain meds don’t mix, especially in an elderly person.

Wishing you all the best. Everyone understands how hard it is to be a caregiver. We have gone through it ourselves.

Take care.
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Chestershaba3 May 2023
Actually they do give to her right after i leave, or if someone else is working they do before. Some of their english is atrocious or non existent in the first place. So i give her hardly any then. I don't need a pharmacist i know all about her meds.
If she doesn't eat enough she gets zero. And eve is the best time sundowners or not. She's alone then in her room and not dealing w the other patients and getting more agitated.
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Who buys the wine?
Is it useful or detrimental?
Would non-alcoholic be just as social?
Do you need to visit at dinner time (usually worst sundowner time) or can you visit at other times?
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Chestershaba3 May 2023
As i said shes worse in the afternoon when others are around
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The object is to leave her calm, so therapeutic lying might be the answer, but something that works. Maybe agree with her first, then tell the story. Say you thought you'd stay, too, or you wanted to stay, but you forgot your ... pajamas, toothbrush, medicine that you need before you go to bed. Or something beyond your control. You are so sorry, but the repairman is coming to fix your sink, & its the only time he could be there.

When my SO was waiting to be transferred from the hospital to a hospice facility (I told him he was going to a place where he'd be more comfortable but didn't say hospice or ambulance), he didn't understand why he couldn't get dressed & just leave. Explaining waiting for paperwork and test results only frustrated him, & he was in no condition to wear clothes. So I told him the guys were coming in their truck. They had his clothes, but they got stuck in traffic, so they were late. For some reason, that satisfied him. He didn't ask who the guys were.

I know this is frustrating, and I hope you find something that works.
I agree that you should stop bringing her wine.
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Chestershaba3 May 2023
This is the best answer! But 3 oz isn't really the issue, with the food and desserts i bring.
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A couple of suggestions about the wine, which you don’t want to be in her digestive system together with the meds:

1) We have old-fashioned hollow stemmed champagne glasses, and when there are kids they have their sparkling apple juice in them. It looks really special. Worth a try?

2) Where I am, there is an increasing number of no-alcohol wines on the market. Sometimes even in the supermarket, as no licence is required. I think they are a waste of drinking time, but they could be worth a try too.

3) You could give no-alcohol red a kick with something like tabasco sauce. Decanted into an empty red wine bottle, they could be ‘this new thing that’s all the rage at the moment’. A vinegar-sugar mix into soft drink. all decanted into white wine bottles might work too.

Lots of fuss to keep the ‘special occasion’ feeling, which is at least as important as alcohol. And perhaps a pre-arranged phone call to tell you when it’s time to go home.
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Chestershaba3 May 2023
Again everyone discussing the wee bit of wine only. Imavent41 gave good advice.
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I agree with other posters on not giving her wine. Buy non alcoholic wine or serve another beverage in a wine glass.

You don’t have to stay with her. Stay as long as you are comfortable. You don’t have to stay until she falls asleep.

I’m sorry that you are struggling with this. It’s so hard to see our parents declining. Wishing you peace.
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Stop giving her wine. Switch to something nonalcoholic. Meds and wine are a very bad combination and may be hurting her and causing personality problems.

”But she loves it so much!”
Doesn’t matter. “But it’s our time together, our ritual.” It’s potentially harmful, and so you change it.

It might be much better if you don’t stay till she goes to sleep. Your presence there may agitate her. You may not think so, but you’re dealing with a whole different brain now. She’s not normal, so things that we take in stride affect her much differently.

Good luck, and I am sorry this is happening.
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Chestershaba3 May 2023
Everyone evidently didn't get i said "wee bit". Like 3 oz. I can use the fake stuff too, but 3 oz isn't gonna hurt when she drank 20 before she went to nursing home. And her health is better than mine except for dementia. she has personity problems so bad already they keep her on killer psychotic drugs that aren't good but dr approved anyway because she'd make the staff more crazy if not (maybe kick her out) so 3 oz twice a week isn't such a big deal. I can bring fake wine but i am giving her food and dessert, and the real issue was her insistence and guilting me about not staying, which only imavent41 addressed.
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Just confirming that she is in her own home or apartment per your profile? So the aids are the ones to give her the meds?

It is ok to tell her any "therapeutic fib" so that you can leave and it keeps her in a calm state. You can probably even tell her you'll be back in a minute and she might not even remember. Whatever works.

I would not mix the meds with wine. Ethically the aids can't knowingly do that, either. Can you give her sparkling grape or apple juice instead?
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