My mother has the full slate of estate and trust documents, including the health care proxy and living will. I am the POA, executor, trustee, health care proxy, etc.
The only document on which my only sister is listed is the living will. My mother's wishes are that my sister and I need to decide, mutually, whether to remove life support. It's a very detailed living will, so we will follow my mother's wishes.
There is no DNR. I have been asked many times, at the nursing home, at hospitals, in the emergency room, etc., whether she has a DNR, and when I say "no" they ask if she wants one. I always say "no." And, that she does not want one.
The reason I say "no" is because I know that it would be devastating for my sister if my mother had a cardiac event or other event and nobody tried to revive her because of a DNR and my sister did not get to say good-bye and touch my mother before my mother was declared legally dead. My father did not have a DNR, and he had sudden cardiac arrest, the paramedics revived him, but he ended up in a vegetative state in ICU. He had a living will, and we waited 7 days before removing the life support. But it gave time for people to go see him, while he was still breathing. He was not in any pain. Also, miracles sometimes do happen. That's what the living will is for.....removing life support, when 2 doctors have declared there is no hope.
Anyone else out there have this issue? DNR, or no DNR?
The EMTs asked the Rabbi "does your dad have a DNR?". (He did). The Rabbi said to me "I lied; I told them no; I couldn't see losing my father over a piece of unchewed meat". They were able to suction and get the dad breathing again.
The Rabbi said he then told the EMTs, "I'm sorry, I lied to you. He DOES have a DNR". They patted him on the back and said "it's okay, we would have suctioned him even WITH a DNR. DNR only means specific forms of resuscitation, not general life saving stuff (or something like that).
So, as CW says, it doesn't mean they won't try to save her; it means that they won't prolong her life artificially with a full code.
died. Her heart just gave out, after life long heart problems. She was always a small woman and she was probably 80lbs when she died & under 5 feet tall. Anyway she did not receive CPR, she passed peacefully just the way she wanted. I cannot imagine them performing CPR on her small frail body! Even if they had gotten her heart started again, she would have have painful broken bones and bruising and required rehab! People see CPR performed on TV all the time-where they make it look like nothing! But is actually physically grueling to perform CPR and it is violent to the human body!
And now a few comments and this is just personal opinion here.
CPR works great on TV
CPR may work great on a young healthy person
but...
CPR will probably break several ribs
CPR will probably break the sternum
even then CPR itself may or may not work bringing the heart back to rhythm.
The amount of pain from broken ribs and sternum would be incredible and most likely pneumonia would follow since breathing would be compromised.
Please do your Mom a favor and get a DNR or better yet a POLST signed.
Oh, and I found this out when my Husband broke his hip..they will "suspend" a DNR during an operation, the idea is if a person is able to have surgery they don't need the DNR and according to the dr.."no one dies on the table" they may die in recovery but not on the table.
And if you call the Paramedics even with a DNR they will do what they can it is their job and you called them.
One last thing if you do not have the DNR with you or if your Mom dies not have it with her when something happens ...it does not exist so everything will be done until that document is produced. (Example.. if you have a DNR at the facility and you take Mom for lunch and you are in an accident they will do what they can until the DNR makes it's way to the emergency room.)
So again do Mom a favor and get a DNR or POLST signed but make sure you carry a copy with you and make sure Mom has a copy on her at all times.
You are very right about the POLST. In the POA that my inlaws completed 20 years ago, they designated my husband as POA. That form also included the DNR instructions that indicated they did not want intubation or CPR etc. However, now that they are in memory care, we had to complete an updated POLST form, which spells out that we want to do comfort care only. If they die from a heart attack, and it is quick, that would be a blessing. However, they are going to route of gradually losing their faculties and eating less and less. We have hospice started for them and there will be no feeding tubes.
Me? I will honour Mum’s wishes.
One of the things we must accept in life is that when families are far flung around the country or globe is that each visit could be the last.
My dad was hospitalized a few months ago and to what I couldn't believe I heard he told them he wanted them to do whatever it took to keep him alive. I don't really think he understood. When he finally came home he is unable to live by himself now and we ended up putting him on hospice. The hospice nurse asked him and as she explained what they would do in order to keep him alive. He changed his mind.
My experience working in a hospital is that sometimes you end up with broken ribs, you may come out in a vegetative state. You never know the end results, sometimes a person might come out ok.
When you are around loved ones, you need to make each hour, each day count. You never know when your time is up. It can be a hard decision, knowing you don't want your loved ones to die. Call and talk to your sister and look at all the options.
Wish you the best, sending prayers.
When my father died he was on Hospice and at his own house. My mom was so upset that the hospice Nurses would not resuscitated him. His body was riddled with cancer and he was on high doses of pain meds that didn't completely work. He would beg us to let him die. She did not want to let him go. She didn't want to see that every inch of him was in pain. He had a DNR and she wanted to override it. It was so hard to make my mom see that she was thinking only of her own pain and not was best for dad. I didn't want daddy to go either, but watching him go through that much pain was more unbearable. I whispered into his ear that I would not let them do anything and he slipped into a comma and peacefully left this planet.
My mom is scare of death and wants to be resuscitated. I will honor her wishes for as long as it is medically possible. I am glad I was able to honor my fathers wishes and I will honor my moms wishes no matter how hard it will be for me.
I wish you luck with what ever you decide.