rosadelima: Start by showing love, e.g. "Mom, I love you so much that I found someone to take excellent care of you." You can attempt that angle, knowing all the while it may not work as your mother has medium dementia. Best wishes. Llamalover47
At this age, and most certainly her mental/physical condition, you can tell her until you are blue in the face - it won't sink in. What I would do is to speak with the caretaker and be completely honest as to your mother's behaviors, etc. to make her/him aware of what has to be dealt with. Be up front and be honest. If you have suggestions, discuss them but honesty is a must. If your mother acts out, tell her the caretaker will leave and she will be immediately put into a facility if she does not cooperate - and be prepared to do it. Seniors have lived their lives and can be extremely difficult - I don't care why or how it happens, it is NOT acceptable and there is no law that says it is o.k. for seniors to create major problems and cause harm to the rest of the family. Don't put up with it - ever.
Been through it myself. Lesson learned. As much as we know our parents want to die at home, it will get to the point of you suffering from burn out and more is being asked of you. Mom needs to be in a memory care home. NOW! Our doctor told us that by the time you get your loved one placed, it should have been done a year or two ago. Now because I'm in a ruin down state, I'm limited in what I'm able to do. PLEASE dont do what i done by trying to give mom everything she wanted. I'm suffering for it and after a 6 mo period of adjustment, mom is happy in her new home, made some new friends, eating healthy and has the help she needs.
What is more important I feel is that the new caregiver finds a way to connect with your mother so she feels safe. Your stress simply hurts your health and brain and lowers your vibration. Your mother is different now, consider where she's at now, not her past character, and ask for spiritual support for when you speak to your mother. I find that ALWAYS helps. Good luck.
I suspect there really is no way to get her to agree. Change is hard. You just have to do it and deal with what happens. I told my mom that the first care giver was a housekeeper and was there to help keep the house clean, reminded her that Grandma had a housekeeper when she got to be a certain age. Of course my mom thought she could do everything herself and it was a battle. Then she couldn't understand why I couldn't do it all. Let's see, maybe my full time job, my own house and a grandchild to raise. But I did live with her for four years during it all. She kicked one care giver out and the woman sat on the porch until I got home. Still had to pay for 6 hrs of care. She didn't want to go to assisted living, but did and after just a few weeks was pretty happy there. Strangers? Eventually everyone was stranger to my mom, as I was the only person she knew, and she had to let people take care of her, liked them help her, and was loved by them all. It will be okay. Looking back at the 10 years there were so many not okay moments with getting extra help for her, but overall it was good.
We introduced the new caregivers as "housekeepers" and then a friendship began. After my dad's surgery and recovery in rehab he desperately needed an aide. That is partly how it began and he didn't have a choice.
My parents and an aunt all were adamant about not having strangers in the house but now feel they are family.
I introduced the new person to my mom as a friend. She came bearing a small gift to my mom to get on her good side, then all three of us went for a shopping trip. We did this several times, then the caregiver and my mom went out together without me. There were a few hiccups but we kept trying. My mom ended up liking the caregiver and trusted her.
As to your question about what to tell your mother, I recommend you tell her so and so come to visit. Do the visits a few times with each time longer than the last and the caregiver helps a little more, then you can leave.
Prior to the caregiver coming on day 1 brief her on what care mom needs and what she will have to do. You can begin with day 1 first thing, "This is a friend of mine, "Linda". Sit down with mom and "Linda" and have coffee and a bit of a snack. (The caregiver can observe any care that you do for and to mom while there) "Linda" can clear the table when you are done and put the dishes in the dishwasher if there is one, or wash them and set them to dry. Walk "Linda" to the door and say.. "I will see you tomorrow" Tomorrow comes and when "Linda" arrives tell her that you have run out of eggs and have to go to the store. And say "Mom, I have to run to the store can you and "Linda" sit and chat for a while, I will be right back." Leave for an hour or so.
you might have to do this a few times before mom is comfortable.
Try, if you can, to hold on to your reason for needing that caregiver to be there for your mom.
You need another person with her so that she is SAFE and given the assistance she NEEDS to function when you AND your sister NEED TO be away from her doing the things that are essential to YOUR WELFARE.
You say “Mom, Sister and I both need time to take care of our personal situations, so Ms XYZ is coming to stay with you while we are out. We have met with Ms. XYZ, seen her references, and she is a nice person (whatever applies)”.
And when you’ve said that, you say “I have to do a few errands (name them- go to the post office, have a tooth filled, see my doctor etc.) and I’ll be home in a couple hours. I’m leaving cookies and tea out for you and Ms. XYZ to have while I’m out.”
THEN- hug and kiss, AND LEAVE. Don’t look back, don’t make excuses or any conversation, JUST LEAVE. It’s really important that your mom understand that she can boss someone else around besides you and your sister!
If your mom happens to have a hobby or favorite cookie or something else that can help “break the ice”, be sure that Ms. XYZ knows that.
GOAL? As little stress as possible for you and your sister. YOU’VE PAID YOUR DUES ALREADY. I know. I “only” slept on the floor nine months before we learned that sometimes it’s MUCH BETTER and SAFER all around, to place our LOs into the capable hands of the experts.
Wonderful advice, thanks so much. We actually have to initiate 3 caregivers who will rotate shifts to care for my mom. They will shadow us for their first shifts. Your reminders about the WHY is very very helpful.
Llamalover47
My parents and an aunt all were
adamant about not having strangers in the house but now feel they are family.
As to your question about what to tell your mother, I recommend you tell her so and so come to visit. Do the visits a few times with each time longer than the last and the caregiver helps a little more, then you can leave.
You can begin with day 1 first thing, "This is a friend of mine, "Linda".
Sit down with mom and "Linda" and have coffee and a bit of a snack. (The caregiver can observe any care that you do for and to mom while there)
"Linda" can clear the table when you are done and put the dishes in the dishwasher if there is one, or wash them and set them to dry.
Walk "Linda" to the door and say.. "I will see you tomorrow"
Tomorrow comes and when "Linda" arrives tell her that you have run out of eggs and have to go to the store. And say "Mom, I have to run to the store can you and "Linda" sit and chat for a while, I will be right back." Leave for an hour or so.
you might have to do this a few times before mom is comfortable.
You need another person with her so that she is SAFE and given the assistance she NEEDS to function when you AND your sister NEED TO be away from her doing the things that are essential to YOUR WELFARE.
You say “Mom, Sister and I both need time to take care of our personal situations, so Ms XYZ is coming to stay with you while we are out. We have met with Ms. XYZ, seen her references, and she is a nice person (whatever applies)”.
And when you’ve said that, you say “I have to do a few errands (name them- go to the post office, have a tooth filled, see my doctor etc.) and I’ll be home in a couple hours. I’m leaving cookies and tea out for you and Ms. XYZ to have while I’m out.”
THEN- hug and kiss, AND LEAVE. Don’t look back, don’t make excuses or any conversation, JUST LEAVE. It’s really important that your mom understand that she can boss someone else around besides you and your sister!
If your mom happens to have a hobby or favorite cookie or something else that can help “break the ice”, be sure that Ms. XYZ knows that.
GOAL? As little stress as possible for you and your sister. YOU’VE PAID YOUR DUES ALREADY. I know. I “only” slept on the floor nine months before we learned that sometimes it’s MUCH BETTER and SAFER all around, to place our LOs into the capable hands of the experts.
Your reminders about the WHY is very very helpful.