How to gain guardianship of my mother while she has a husband?

Thank you to all of you for your time and effort in writing back to help me with my situation. I appreciate it. It’s hard for me to look at this situation from my mother’s husband’s angle, but I should try. Your right. Thank you all again.

Ok. Let me clarify and provide a bit more information with this whole situation. I call him her husband because not Step Dad because he is the farthest thing from a father figure to me. Especially growing up with him in that house. He has told me and asked me to get involved because he doesn’t know if she is paying the mortgage or other bills, taxes, etc…. He was supposed to put in paperwork years ago to get on a list for 65 and older housing. We found out recently that he never did. He also has 3 grown children, he himself is 88 but a young 88. He is up and out of the house 7 am and stops back in once or twice during the day and then in for bed. My mother is home forgetting things like the stove and shower on. When I ask him things about her or for help with her, he literally shrugs his shoulders and says “I don’t know” or “ya know, something is wrong with your mother.” My sister and I are taking her to Dr.’s and neurologists, trying to get this all figured out. I have asked both of them to come live with my family and I. He is not opposed, she is. I don’t expect him to clean the house, but I do expect him to know better then venting a dryer hose into a bucket of water in a basement. Especially when he worked in construction his whole life. I want my mother safe. I would love someone to go in and help her out now and then, but I know she won’t allow it. She cannot remember what day it is, or whether she took her meds or not. I just want her to be safe. She still makes all of her own decisions in every aspect of her life. I don’t want to take away her independence but I do want to help where I know I can like organizing her meds in the pill boxes. She basically will spit venom and tell me she’s not stupid. Anyway, this is obviously my first time with this. She is only 73 with vascular dementia and is rapidly declining. I am scared and sad that we are all in this situation. I apologize that I didn’t give more information. It’s just years of back story and circumstances that lead is here.

A different angle..
Mother's Husband (Step-Father if you call him that) may be quite overwhelmed.

Neglect can also stem from not knowing what to do...

Many of his gen (not all of course) had their me-yard, woman-house work roles & stayed in their lanes. If so, he may or may not see the housework needs doing but regardless, may not WANT to take on any of 'her work'. Plus, she may be quite firm in keeping him out of 'her work'.

Another issue is he could be frozen scared about what he is going to do. When it gets worse. When he can't cope. If Mom has to move into care - his name not on the house so where would he go?

I'm thinking an Elder Home Assessment Service could somehow be introduced. To help both of them. Or if they have a faith, a church, temple, synogue leader. A trusted party to open the way for discussions on the future. What do they want? What is possible..? Sometimes with refusal of home services, moving into a care setting happens faster.

It may even be they both could move to Assisted Living, or him to Independent, she to a Memory Care room in the same place.

Definately a good idea to look at the big picture & consider all angles.

I've been told similar re Guardianships.. lengthy process, costly & may really damage relationships. But also that they are needed sometimes.

I’m not sure what use a Guardianship order would be for you, and it would be good to think through what it could and could not do. No point in spending money on it, or on lawyers, if it won’t actually help the situation.

1) If you are guardian, you cannot force H to do hands on care work or house work himself.

2) If you are guardian, you can hire in-home carers and use M’s money to pay them. You are the employer. However if neither H nor M want them there, if they lock them out or try to make them go away, it’s going to be difficult for carers to improve M’s care. Probably not workable.

3) If you are guardian, you can potentially remove M from the house and force her into a facility. You can also work on removing H from the house. As it is in M’s name, you could then sell it. However if this is what you want to do, you are more or less guaranteeing that your guardianship application will be opposed vigorously by H, and quite possibly by M if she gets a chance to speak up in court. Lots of your money, lots of your time.

I once years ago applied for the job of chair of our state’s Guardianship Board. I didn’t get the job (now very glad about that), but I know enough about it to see more pitfalls in this than are nice to contemplate. And that is even IF you get a Guardianship order. Think carefully about the risk to most of your family relationships, as well as spending money on lawyers like me (except that this is free legal advice). Yours, Margaret

It can be done but it will need an attorney, lots of money, time, patience, commitment, fortitude and multiple PROOFs for the court to rule with. It is not a DYI process so contact an attorney.

Ewynne, welcome to the forum. My own Mom was the same way becoming defensive if I offered her a day of house keeping. She felt insulted that I thought her house wasn't clean enough. My Mom was in her 90's, and was losing her eyesight.

How we do things around the house depends on how we were brought up. Even though I am a female, my Dad started showing me how to fix things as soon as I could open the tool box. On the other side of the coin, my Mom never taught me how to cook, clean, or even use a washing machine.

Once I got married, it was trial and error, with a lot of errors. We moved to a house, I moved in my tool box, and he was tool boxless. It wasn't until then that I found out he would have a blank expression regarding fixing things.

Plus you need to put yourself into your Step-dad's shoes. This isn't the retirement he had planned. The love of his life is starting to fade away due to dementia. He probably is angry at the world because of these things. And if he tries to help, have you seen your Mom snap at him? Bet she does when you are not around.

I would just play it by ear for awhile.

It is very unlikely that you will get this if the husband is competent UNLESS you have good proof of lack of care; this would involve a court fight and if you lost you are looking at about 10,000 in a fight.

Have you asked your SD if he thinks they need help? Assuming that he's doing it because "His name is not on the house deed so he turns a blind eye to upkeep and cleanliness" is speculation so why not give him the chance to ask for help? Or, he himself may have cognitive decline/memory loss and is not seeing her needs.

Do you know where your care boundaries are? You and your sister will begin to orbit around your Mom in ways that you cannot now imagine. Therefore, maybe consider other solutions before things reach a crisis level with her. Also, you/your sister should not be paying for any of her care as this will be unsustainable and very detrimental to your own future and care needs.

Does SD have adult children from a prior relationship? If so, it may be fruitful to have a conversation with them so that everyone can discuss who is going to do what as care needs increase.

You may have to let the cleaning go. Maybe SD has the same problem, he tries to do and she won't let him. He may just think its easier to just let her do what she wants. 70s are not old but you do get tired. And if upkeep you mean yard work or maintaining the house. Maybe SD no longer can do yardwork. Maybe they can't afford to maintain the house. Living on just Social Security is not easy, especially now.

Maybe if u got Mom involved in cleaning she may be more apt to allow it. Like "Mom, lets do dishes, I will wash, u can dry". "Mom you dust and I'll run the sweeper. Those Swifer dusters are easy to use. Maybe get SD to take her out for a ride and you do basic cleaning. If SD has no health problems, he should be able to maintain. When he gets a shower, no reason he can't do a quick wipe down. Clorox Wipes are great for that. He gets a plate dirty, he washes it. There are those little sponges with a handle that you put soap in for quick clean ups. He should be able to do laundry. You should not disable him.

You have to see an Attorney to obtain Guardianship.
I suggest (strongly) that the Attorney is an Elder Care Attorney.
You may have to prove that your moms husband (I am assuming your step-father) is not properly caring for mom and not making proper decisions as to her health care and her financial matters.
FYI coming in and trying to clean someone's house can be a bit much. It is how it is done, how you approach it.
Imagine what it would be like if she came into your house and tried to do the same.
Hoarding is common with dementia and it is tough to deal with, difficult to clear up.