We had good intentions by having my 81-year-old dad move into our house when he had to sell his own house. But it's not going well at all and everyone in the house is miserable and angry ALL the time, except my Dad. I've tried to have a calm conversation with him about finding another living option but he doesn't like any of his other options and basically said we're stuck with him and just hope he dies soon. Having him there is causing so much stress to my husband, myself, and my kids and even after knowing this, he doesn't care. He is able to live alone but says he doesn't want to. He had to sell his house for financial reasons but then right after moving in with us he turned around and bought a new car, paying a $1,000/month car payment. I have 3 older siblings who do NOTHING with or for him. I am so resentful and angry at them and my Dad. He's caused huge fights with my husband and kids and I have gone into major depression. He was a toxic parent growing up as a kid and I don't know why I ever thought it was a good idea for him to move in. I guess I felt sorry for him after my Mom died, then he had to retire but had no savings so sold his house, which allowed him to pay off all of his debt and still have a good amount of money left over to put into savings. For my well being and for my kids, I need him to leave my house but I don't know how to make it happen. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
The one thing I suggested was using the "grey rock method" Do not engage him. Fights involve 2 people. Ignore him. Only do what you need to for him. If he is capable of doing then u have him do it. When he gets started walk away, leave the room. Your kids are not to do anything for him. Go out as a family and leave him home. If he starts at the dinner table, pick your dishes up and leave.* Or designate a certain area for him. Pretend he is not there. Cruel, maybe but he has no regard for you and ur family. Its YOUR home that he has been invited to live in it with u. Your husband is the head of this household, not your father and he needs to respect that. (I know, a little old fashioned but thats how Dad thinks. He is the Patriarch and everyone should bow down.)
You and your husband need to sit down with Dad, look him in the eye and say "this is not working". I think this should come from your husband not you. Your husband should go on to say that Dad has disrupted his family long enough and it stops now. He is to find himself a place to live and that you two can help him with that. The sooner the better. You can bluff and say if he does not find a place soon (maybe have a list ready) that u will find him one and have him escorted out of your house by the police. (A bluff because to do this u would have to sign the lease holding u responsible for the rent) You have to be firm in this and stand by everything ur husband says. No fighting. Once said, get up and walk away, Let him rant and rave. Fighting means he could win in his mind. Nope he does not win this one.
If he ever lays a hand on you, husband or kids, call 911 and have him removed telling the police he is not welcomed back. Social Services will take over. Yes, I think there is something mental going on here but you don't have time to explore that and he will probably not cooperate anyway. You can always have APS check on him. Just do what u need to to get him out if your home. He can always return that car to the dealer and get one he can afford. Seems Dad has no concept of money.
*my Dad picked his fights at the dinner table. For me it had to do with report cards. To this day I blame my stomach problems on him. I usually left the table in tears. I don't talk much when I eat. Definitely no arguing.
You say you are angry at your siblings; yet your siblings are the ones who made the right decisions.
And you have just bumped up against the most difficult thing we see on Forum. So your post will serve as yet another warning to others.
But on to the problem. The only option I can see is to give your father notice of the date he needs to move. THEN go to a landlord-tenant rights attorney and begin the action needed in your area to remove your father from the premises.
As long as you are held hostage to his bad decisions for his own life he will remain there. And at best he may STILL remain there; we have had people move from their own apartments to get away from someone they willingly let occupy their homes.
I wish you good advice. I hope that this has been a lesson in life that you will never repeat.
To my mind when someone chooses to move in an elder I suggest it be a trial run in which all attend a meeting with an elder attorney, decide on costs and rental and who does what and how privacy in the home will work, that there be a contract that indicates this is a trial run and will be reassessed yearly, and agreement will be the elder moves when this isn't working for all.
As your Father is not impaired you cannot even consider placing him in care via a POA (that likely you don't even have at the ready for when he IS impaired).
I am really sorry, but not everything we do can be "fixed" afterward. For your sake and for the sake of family I hope this can be, and I wish you the very best. I hope others have ideas that may work. Meanwhile consider putting the most teen child you have right next door to dad and tell him to play punk rock all he likes. Don't shop for Dad; don't cook for Dad and don't enable Dad in any other way.
Eviction may be your only alternative.
Try a luxury AL for him.
Skip the independent living or his own apartment-he is too far over-the-edge already.
Can you get him to agree to a neurological assessment with a CT scan or MRI?
Others can advise, step-by-step how to move him to the AL.
If he is a narcissist, he will move himself out when you make his living conditions less attractive to him. The house gets too crowded and noisy because you have moved in a friend with dogs or a loud baby in the room next to his. You can try remodeling the house in a space nearest his room. AL's can have a temporary stay, or a trial stay. Try anything, you can be nice about it.
Make it about what you are doing, how you are living, not about how he is a terrible guest.