I don't want to take away any more independence or dignity than she's already lost. She lives with me, has aides, but can go to the bathroom, shower, dress, ambulate, etc. all on her own. Lately, though, I've been seeing evidence of poo and/or toilet paper remnants with poo on her shower chair. I've mentioned it once or twice, but she has such memory loss, it doesn't stick.
She flushes, twice, and washes her hands thoroughly, so she's aware, but how do I let her keep her dignity, and get her to keep butt clean? I'm more worried about spreading germs, her getting a UTI, etc. than anything else.
THE BIG QUESTION: how to talk to her about it without embarrassing her.
Or, she may need help because range of motion changes and as we all know it's already a tough yoga stretch, add any issues and you don't get a thorough job.
Another option is the toilet bidet, these range from very basic to cadillac models, AgingCare advertises a couple of basic models
https://www.agingcare.com/products/sanitary-bidet-161675.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/products/hands-free-bidet-toilet-attachment-445749.htm
or you can see more high end options on the web.
Best of luck!
https://www.metro.us/news/local-news/new-york/inside-nyc-largest-wastewater-treatment-flushable-wipes
I'm simply asking for people's experience in discussing this without infantilizing the person. She struggles with her dignity as it is, and just doesn't have the sight (macular degeneration) or sense of smell (long gone) or awareness.
I'm fully aware of the solutions and alternatives, I'm asking about your experience with language and dignity.
Sorry, I guess I just didn't have that kind of relationship with my mom, for years she trusted me to be her eyes (she too had AMD) and to be straight with her. You mention your mother has memory loss, chances are this is a conversation you will have to repeat over and over, in my opinion it would be better to just be proactive and move on to solving the problem.
My Mom always used wipes. So do I, so I had no problem with this. I suggest Huggies. They are big and thick. I fold them up when fished and put in a trashcan with a lid.
Next time I saw her, she had bought a pack and was obviously using them.
I made it more about ME having found these, and how glad I was, as I am on a medication that makes the urine quite foul. It put us on equal footing, so to speak.
A BIDET!! That's going in the new house. I forgot how great those are!! I wouldn't try one for mom,, she's doing ok with the wipes. Also takes a small portable container in her bag all the time.
Have the other person say, “I saw this great new product that makes me feel fresh”
You, “What is it?”
Go on from there, as if it was a scripted commercial.
If you are on a septic field you should not use them and if you are on sewer even the "flush-able" ones can clog a toilet.
And if you leave Mom with wipes they will go into the toilet even if you tell her not to put them there. It is an automatic gesture to toss what we have used to wipe ourselves into the toilet and flush.
I am wondering why she "flushes twice" Is it that the stool is so large and heavy that it will not go down with one flush? If so it is possible that she is needing a stool softener.
Or it might be that she just needs a little more help and it is time that you step in. As she declines you will have to step in a bit more.
If you do this without making a comment about it and just start helping I think she would not have a problem. Is it possible that you would be feeling more embarrassed about this than she would?
Showers aren't great for cleaning that area either, especially if she uses a bench to sit on. Can she still sit in the bathtub? If so, that is going to give better cleansing.
If she has normally had good hygiene for her entire life and NOW she doesn't. I'd suspect that she just isn't capable. If she could do better, she would.
So, giving her new products or explaining how things should be given more attention, probably isn't going to stick in her mind. Also, it's not just the memory. With the brain not working properly, there can be a disconnect between the brain and the hands. So, coordination isn't quite right. (One of the first signs of cognitive decline with my LO was watching her try to make a sandwich. Her hands did not work right in placing the bread and food together.)
Focus is also affected. So, I'd take a deep breath and just handle it kindly, but, frankly. You might give the doctor heads up first. So, doctor can tell her that he wants daughter helping with her toileting hygiene for a little while. Just to ward off UTIs. That way, it's doctor's orders and then every time she goes to bathroom, you go too to supervise and assist. I don't know anyone with dementia who doesn't eventually need someone clearing them in toilet and later changing depends. It's so sad. I know.
There were even mentions of choosing not to use wipes or bidet because mom wouldn't be able to learn. Certainly you can try to have a gentle discussion about it, but in my experience, most of that is likely in one ear, out the other. My mother can't remember what she or you said 1-2 minutes ago! She is still "capable" of most ADLs as well, but needs some reminding for some tasks, such as brushing her teeth (she doesn't live with me, so that is up to the staff.)
I would imagine you are aware of when she heads to the bathroom. Monitor and if BM is involved, step in before she leaves the bathroom to ensure she is clean. This would work even better if she is "regular", going around the same time every day. If no BM, leave well enough alone.
No way to avoid some embarrassment but to discuss in a light way... Not make Mom feel bad or being reprimanded for poo...
Doesn't take much 'acclimation' other than the 'expected shower underneath' which actually is 'refreshing' with 'reassurance of being clean'.