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To make a very long story short, my daughter does not have a good relationship with her grandfather. It has gotten worse since she is an adult now. She does not call him at all and does not want to be around him. I have tried to get her to open up to me about it but all she will say is that he is not a very nice person. If you are familar with my story, you know that my dad and I have not had a good relationship either. He is now in a facility and she has said that when she comes home, she will not visit him. My fear is that she may regret not visiting him if something happens to him. He has asked why she will not talk to him and I have told him it is because of his attitude and how he has been towards us at times.

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I did not see nor speak to my MIL for the last 4 years of her life.

When she died, I did go to the viewing ad funeral. I looed at her, in her casket and thought "she looks really pi$$ed off" which, inappropriately, made me giggle and I had to leave for a minute. The saying "If you don't quit making that face your face will freeze like that".

Well, it's true.

I felt absolutely nothing when I looked at her. I felt nothing but relief when she died. That doesn't make me bad person and I have zero regrets about holding tight to the boundaries I had to set 4 years ago.

She was extremely abusive to me. And less so, but still--abusive to my kids.

Your daughter is an adult. My guess is, something happened between them that she can't deal with or has been told to NOT deal with it. This is the way she is choosing to handle it.

I can attest to the fact that she will very possibly not feel anything when he dies.

This bothers you more than it does her-just let it go.
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If the reason is as I suspect, she won’t regret cutting him out of her life.
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It sounds like your daughter has excellent boundaries.
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KNance72 Jun 13, 2024
Agreed
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Hi Faithful - I actually give you daughter TONS of credit for knowing her own mind - and not accepting anyone treating her badly ....remaining strong - and not going thru the motion or forcing herself to see her grandfather when he's been unkind to her. It's good that she remains true to herself and she knows her self-worth. I would say that's empowering.
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Anxietynacy Jun 14, 2024
So True!!!
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It sounds like your daughter has suffered great abuse from your father, and she should not be made to feel guilty for not wanting to visit or see him.
I'm guessing that it's best for her mental health to stay away.
Please respect her decision. Just because you have chosen to have somewhat of a relationship with your father, doesn't mean that your daughter has to.
Trust me on this one. I am one who has been there done that(although it was with my mother and father), and I can honestly say I have absolutely no regrets.
We all have to do what we have to to protect ourselves.
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Your daughter is an adult and can decide what she wants to do. Leave it alone. Some things cannot be fixed.
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Your question was how to handle the situation.

You don't.

There is no situation for you to handle.
Your daughter doesn't want anything to do with your father. That is completely separate from your relationship with either of them.

The only thing you need to do is let your daughter know that you're there if she ever wants to talk about how she feels. And if you do that, you mustn't make excuses for your dad's behaviour. Your daughter is allowed to feel how she does and to make decisions for her own wellbeing, even if they aren't the decisions that you would make.
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OP are you quite quite sure that there is no old sexual abuse in the background? You say that there is a ‘long story’, but this would certainly account for some clear (and hard hearted) actions by your daughter. Perhaps she will “regret not visiting him if something happens to him”, but that’s down to her. If F asks “why she will not talk to him”, the simplest answer is “I don’t know”, not to make a guess that you then have to justify.
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funkygrandma59 Jun 12, 2024
That was my first thought as well Margaret. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse myself by my father, that was what was kind of jumping out at me with the OP's daughter not wanting to be around her perhaps dirty old grandfather.
If that is the case, who can blame her? Certainly not me.
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My mother was very negative, depressed, and zero fun to be around.

My girls do not visit their grandmother at her MC, and I don’t blame them.

I would let your grown daughter make her own decision.
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Faithful, I’ve related on the forum a bit before about my in-laws. They are in their mid 80’s and if any of you met them you’d all say they are charming, nice people. That’s deserved because they really are well liked by church members and friends. Most family knows them as extremely self involved and disinterested. My four adult children have no relationship with them, a remnant of their complete lack of involvement while they were growing up. Never came to recitals, games, concerts, etc. They would mine information from my husband and I for good stories about the children, what activities they were doing, etc. and regale their friends with wonderful grandchildren stories. But they spent no time with them and didn’t actually know them. Same story today, except now hubby and I avoid telling them much at all. They have all four grandchildren’s phone numbers, but never call or text. They are very involved with the grandchildren of golden boy son. There’s been no argument or family feud, it just is and we’ve accepted it. Our adult children want nothing to do with them. When my last parent died, they all told us they were sad as they “don’t have grandparents anymore” How sad, but it’s truly their loss. We make no effort to encourage our children to contact or see them. Acceptance didn’t come easily, but it’s truly a gift you give yourself and very freeing. I hope you’ll arrive in a place of acceptance too
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faithfulbeauty Jun 14, 2024
@Daughterof1930,
I have taken myself out of this equation. For someone to not want to talk or have contact with another person has to be for a very good reason. I do not need anything extra on my plate so I'm removing this. All I want is for my daughter to be happy. When you said that about your parents not attending recitals, it reminded me of the time when my dad was angry with my daughter's piano teacher's husband. It had nothing to do with piano lessons so because he was mad, he wanted my daughter to stop taking lessons but I refused. So he would not go to her recital. It is things like that he did that I'm sure my daughter remembers. He would not even attend her Senior Party dinner that I and a few other parents organized for our children. He was mad because we would have it at his house. But my daughter begged me not me because she was afraid he would embarrass her .
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