Similar to sticks, Mother worships my brother, treats me with flamboyant abuse on a random but frequent basis. Has all my life. My brother is not accessible to assist because of his wife. She uses the kiddos to manipulate the grandparents. My brother and I used to be very close before they married and I think she was jealous when their oldest child started to look up to me. The whole situation is very hurtful. We are all financially independent, living in our own homes. I am a single professional, long distance relationship. My divorced Mother has been described as Narcissistic by our family counselor and I have been described as having family scapegoat disorder. Dad is not accessible either, and displays some sort of avoidance behavior lately.
Thankfully you don't live in the same house like I do and can leave at any time to remove yourself from the situation when it becomes overwhelming.
How is your mom's memory? Is she taking her medications properly and on time and in the right dose? Right now, I fill my mother's medication box and dispense her medications daily, I do the same for my father, but he could do it for himself should he chose to.
Anyway, Financial POAs and Medical POAs should be done now, before your Mom's mental status comes into question. If you feel that there may be a problem, get your dad and brother involved and get these documents done before it is too late. The last thing you need to have happen is to have the state come in and take everything your parents own to pay for their health care.
Here's another hug, bless you for being there for your parents. Always remember you are not alone. Above all, take care of yourself. Be well, Sue
Just another way of making me look like the big, bad wolf and another way for her to garner attention and sympathy and another chance for her to play the victim yet again. Her biggest thrill is to shift the blame/responsibility onto someone else. Because her haughty opinion of herself tells her "false self" that she would NEVER have done anything like that!! Who, ME?
I bet yours hasn't accused you of smoking marijuana in your house!! You wouldn't believe the things this one has dreamed up......she called her best friend last week saying "You can't imagine what I had for dinner tonight - toast - that's all I got".
Well, boo hoo! That's what YOU asked for! Why? You had lost your appetite for dinner because you pigged out on all the crap you hide in your room, in your purses, drawers and coat pockets, that's why! She lies to dr. and nurse and denies that she has diabetes, denies that she has had 3 heart attacks due to blocked arteries and complains that she doesn't get enough food or the food she wants - that's because she's supposed to be on a sodium/sugar reduced diet but she doesn't care!! But I do and I try to give her good healthy food, but all she does is sabotage!
Mostly, though I wanted to thank you so much for your phrase "family scapegoat disorder" - I've been looking for a label for this behaviour all my life and I'm going to Google it right now!!
I agree with the earlier response that said as much as it seems like your mother is causing these problems...you are enabling her to reach you and hurt you with her words and behavior. I know it is very hard. I get caught in thinking that maybe *this* time things will be different...there is something fundamental in me that NEEDS to believe there can be a real relationship with my dad...but in reality, I know it's not going to happen. I can care about him from a detached state, but keep my boundaries in place and protect myself as much as possible, and you can do it too. Give yourself permission to have your own life. You can easily put a block on your cell phone so that she will not be able to call or text you. Now, she might figure out how to get around that, but the fact that she can't just get you easily to beat you up verbally, will be a start to the message that you are not her punching bag. She will be furious that you are not at her beck and call...but stand strong. Regardless of the fact that many people try to say otherwise, children are NOT responsible for their parents, legally or emotionally.
Your father is still living...he CHOSE your mother and as long as he is living and able to care for her, HE should be doing so. At the very least he should be organizing and coordinating the care. His avoidance might signal some other problems or maybe he can't deal with her anymore....have you tried talking with him to see if he's okay? he might benefit from some counseling himself.
Regarding your brother.....try to let go of the fact that your mom treated you differently. You are grown ups now and given the fact that she's a bit *off* in the first place, it doesn't seem fair to hold your mom's actions against your brother. Now, where his wife is concerned, that's a bit different. It sounds like she has some kind of problem with you and maybe you need to try and get a handle on what's going on there, to see if it can be remedied...OR let your brother and his family go. When Mom needs something, let her call the wife. Sometimes some distance (physically and emotionally) is a very good treatment for these kinds of situations. Check yourself out of the whole drama and let them interact without your input at all. Maybe it will get better; maybe not. But you can take some time to figure out if/how you want to be involved in the lives of these people.
Best wishes to you. I hope you find some peace.
Anyway, dealing with this type of problem, especially since they are our parents is one of the most difficult problems we will ever face. BUT that being said, your health and well being is of utmost concern especially since you are in the position of caregiver to an aging parent. Her behavior will be better, then get worse again when the disease progresses. You are in control, not your Mom. Walking away from a situati on will help. Make sure she is fed, dressed and safe, then leave her alone to pitch her abuse at the walls and furniture. Buy a pair of ear plugs, or put earbuds in and listen to music so you cannot hear her abuse while you do what is necessary to help her.
The other thing that I do for myself is go to a Psychologist to keep myself centered and get advice on how to help my Mom and my Dad, and make sure I am not behaving inappropriately. It really does help and I highly recommend it if you have the health insurance to defray the cost.
Get on your brothers case until he comes on board or walks away. You don't need another problem on top of what you are already dealing with.
I wish you peace of mind and a nudge to let you know that you are not alone.
Sue