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My father is 85 and has dementia. My mother died unexpectedly. Their home is isolated and unsafe, and he's wrecked the car. Now he's in a wonderful memory care facility being cared for amazingly patient and kind people. But he is miserable. He spends his time shut in his room with the blinds closed and has as little to do with others as possible. When I visit him, after the initial warm few minutes, he starts to get nasty and turns every -- and I mean every -- conversation to going back home, getting the car keys back and driving. And he remembers that this has come up during previous visits. He must not go home! Heck, he's not even clear that I am not my mother and he continually confuses my mother and his mother. Or that he no longer lives in his childhood city. I've tried redirection which works only for a sentence or two. The staff recommends that I not bluntly tell him he's not going home.


I'm at a loss. Any words of wisdom?

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I go through this with every visit to my dad. He is 93 in assisted living. It took a medical emergency to get him out of his house and a doctor to say he cannot live on his own anymore. It's been 3 months and I've only had a couple visits with him where he didn't bring up going home. I get reports from his AL that he is social, he often spends time in the lobby area talking to other residents (he's not one to stay in his room), participates in activities, has a friend he eats meals with but when he's with me, all he can talk about is going home. I am his legal guardian and after a few months of dodging the question and changing the subject, I have told him I cannot support a move back to his house. He may call his attorney but he is on the same page as the rest of everyone else involved in this so I don't worry about it too much.
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Me, I would tell him when his primary care doctor gives you a letter stating that he is fit to return home you will consider it, until then he stays put. The doctor will never do this, so you are good.
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I wonder what "home" he is wanting to return to. If he is drifting in and out of a life time, confusing you for your mom and generations of loved ones (he instinctively knows he trusts even if he isn't certain who is who) it may be that he isn't even talking about the home he last lived in and is talking about a childhood home or the one he and your mom shared when first married. It has to be so hard loosing your independence and the life you created for yourself no wonder as these diseases take our minds and abilities we trade out short term memories for ones of when we were able to drive, care for our families and homes and or our childhoods giving life to the ones we have lost. I know you said you have tried to redirect, have you tried to get into his conversation with him and see what he is actually talking about, what is it he really wants and does he believe it's possible. If indeed he is in the here and now and is asking to go back to the home he shared with your mom, rather than tell him he can't I would try helping him realize he can't. For instance, "Dad you wrecked your car, remember? It was beyond repair and you agreed it was time you stopped driving after that both for your well being and because you didn't want to hurt anyone else." "Wouldn't you be lonely if your moved back to the house not seeing anyone else for days?" (leading a little here because if he says "well you will be there" thinking your mom you can say "I can't be there every day Dad I have my house and family to take care of"...) "Who would prepare meals for you and make sure your medications are all set?" "I worry about ...and the way you keep yourself holed up in here, not letting daylight in and not willing to do any socializing the doctor is concerned about your health living alone so even if we thought it was a good idea you would have to prove to the doctors and staff here it would be". I'm not suggesting all of these things at once or anything just ideas for ways to discuss this with your dad in a way that might help him decide as much as he wants to go home he really can't. Gently help him remember why he can't go back to whatever home or time in life he is wanting to physically but through sharing his memories with you and perhaps even staff he can live in those moments that make him happy all he wants!
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Do you have a smartphone so you can show him photos of people and places in his long-term memory? We do this for my MIL and she enjoys it and it creates positive topics for chit chat.
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I don't believe in the lies. It is confusing for them, arouses mistrust and endless suspicion, because if they know ANYTHING they DO know that you are lying. You explain to him that this is where he will be living. That you are very sorry it is so difficult. He is mourning. It is best to ask him what is wrong, what you can do to help given that he cannot now return home. If he continues to go on then gently excuse yourself and do so every single time the conversation goes this endless hopeless route. It is a bit like training. And eventually it will work or it will not, but if it doesn't you won't be there. Visit often as you can. Stay while he can talk decently. Expressing unhappiness is fine. Not everything in life can be fixed and this certainly cannot. So give up the "fix it " mentality and admit to Dad that it is a fine pickle you are both in, with nothing to do about it but attempt to make as best you can of it. My bro and I "go there" all the time. This is not what we would have chosen. It chose us. So here we are. We have to do the best we can.
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White lies and distraction.

Tell him the car is still being repaired and he cannot live without a car.

Tell him there are repairs on the road to the house and he cannot get through.

Tell him will have to ask the doctor about that.

Tell him that unless he starts leaving his room, they cannot access if he can manage on his own.

Ask him about his memories of the house he grew up in.

Open his blinds and talk about the weather or what ever you can see, hopefully his window does not look over the parking lot.
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