How to have a talk with elderly parent about lack of filters?

I say pick your battles. If she's commenting on your hair and it offends you, then the two of you have regressed to mother/teenager-level of conflict.

Personally, that's not the hill I'd choose to die on, and neither is her comment on someone being thin when the rest of the family is heavy. Anyone with any sense knows that older people lose their social filters to some extent or another. Her comments don't reflect on you or your sister, and it's not your job to police her speech.

Sure, respond to it as not being very nice, but then leave it alone. A discussion to prevent recurrences of such comments is futile in my opinion.

Lisa, sorry for misreading your post and thinking it was your mom who suffered from dementia, not your dad. If this were my mom with no filter (and no dementia) acting like this, I would tell her that I'm not taking you places with me anymore until & unless you can curb your tongue & treat people with kindness, mom. And it starts with ME. When you show me that you can treat me with kindness and stop making mean comments about my hair, etc, THEN I'll reconsider taking you out with me to different places & functions again. Until then, I'm putting the kabosh on it. You'd be surprised at how fast she may understand that certain behaviors DO have consequences to them, at least in YOUR estimation.

My mother had a habit of treating me poorly; when I'd let her know that I wouldn't tolerate it, and was leaving her presence, she'd suddenly become contrite and apologetic. She'd start to see that I was serious about sticking to my guns about leaving if she started up with ugly behavior, so she'd stop. Till the next time, when I'd again either leave or hang up the phone. And she DID have dementia but it wasn't too terribly advanced yet, so she was able to see that her behavior did have consequences. It may be just that simple with your mom, too. You don't have to be mean about it; just let her know that she's hurting your feelings and others' feelings too, and that's not acceptable. So if she wants to continue enjoying your company as well as others', she has to play by the rules of society.

GOOD LUCK!

Did you tell her that what she said or did offended you?
And is this something that she has said or done in the past?
Since you say mom has not been diagnosed with dementia to stop what she is saying or doing you set boundaries.
If/when she says something that is offensive tell her to stop. Tell her if she doesn't you will leave. If she continues get up and walk out. If you are at her house, get your coat and go home. If she is at your house you can tell her that it is time for her to leave. If you drove her to a location, same thing tell her it is time to leave.
Same if she says anything offensive in public.
She may care less about what others think but she does not have an excuse to offend anyone.

It is possible that she may be developing "mild cognitive impairment" (I really dislike that catch all term though) and some filters are dropping. I would keep mental or real notes about incidents and discuss the increase in occurrences with her doctor. (if you are able to)

Clarification-
Mom has not been diagnosed with dementia. I read that as we age our prefrontal cortex shrinks plus we care less what others think.

You have my support and also my advice. You can talk all you want but because she has brain damage, she won't understand. Leave her alone. Worse things will happen and her filters will be the least of your worries. Make sure her doctor knows her symptoms because there could be other brain conditions in addition to a shrinking prefrontal cortex. This is more than you and Google can figure out yourselves, and there may be medicine that could help her. Good luck.

There’s a substantial difference between the liberation of age and destruction of social filters. As we age, gain more experience and see things from new perspectives, we stop caring so much about what others think and stop sweating the small stuff, because we realize much of what vexed us was largely inconsequential.

I sure like to tell my kids how I solved problems so they can benefit from my experience. 🙄 And fashion? Pffft.

As our brains deteriorate and we lose our filters, it seems we blurt out all the built up bitterness and anger we used to know was ours to deal with internally. Add in the paranoia that often comes with dementia and we dish out the insults, blame, and scapegoating.

Aging is not a free pass to spew hate or hurtful words.

You say this this is your mother, not your father. It’s possible your mother is in the early stages of dementia. Or depression. Or overwhelmed with your father.

In hindsight, the signs were there for me when my mother announced that, because she was 80, she could say or do whatever she wanted. She wasn’t consistently nasty, entitled and fight-provoking, but the behaviour certainly ratcheted up. Dementia eventually destroyed her filters and I was her prime target.

You’ll learn a lot by how your mother responds. Hopefully she’ll express frustration and regret, owning her words. Misdirected emotional overload. And not anger and denial.

Good luck!

The exact issue that brought me to AC forum in the first place! My dad lost his social filters in so many ways and places, it was frequently embarrassing. He was a kind man, wouldn’t offend purposefully, but in his 80’s it became a regular occurrence. I found this site and made it my first question. The answers were almost unanimous that it was dementia rearing its ugly head. So off I took him for testing, first family practice doc followed by 2 neurologists. No dementia, all the doctors told us the same thing, dad had a “loss of filters” common to his age. The times we did confront him about it, he apologized, but then he tended to pout. I think he truly didn’t see it. Often, he thought he was being humorous. I learned to pick my battles, I called him on the big ones, let the little ones go, sometimes quietly apologized for him. He became sort of a beloved caricature of the man we’d all known, if that makes sense, kind of the sweet, but a bit nutty old man who occasionally said things he shouldn’t. He could manage all his business, bills, remember everything and everyone, plan, follow directions, etc to the end, so much to be grateful for, but the zingers he’d say sometimes, well, we just have to overlook, don’t we…

Your profile states that dad suffers from Alz/dementia. That being the case, you're not going to get through to him about his offensive language, it's not possible. Once dementia enters the picture, the filters disintegrate due to brain damage, so there's no getting through to them at all. So don't bother trying, b/c it just ends up in an argument where he's 'right' and you're 'wrong.' Let what he says roll off your back, and chalk it off to dementia. Some people have cards printed up that say "Please treat my loved one with patience as he suffers from Alzheimer's/dementia. Thank you." Or something to that effect, and hand them out if and when the elder says something offensive.

I'm 65 and haven't lost my filter.........I don't feel I have earned the right to say whatever is on my mind, so different strokes for different folks, I guess.

I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.

The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2


Good luck to you.

Ahh....good luck with that! I'm not elderly yet(only 63 years young)but I have noticed that my filters are not what they once were. And honestly, I'm ok with that, as I feel that at my age I've earned the right to say what I want and when I want to say it.
I think when we're younger we may curb what we really want to say to someone because we're afraid they won't like us, or that they'll get mad at us, but as we get older and wiser, we tend to not care what people think of us and feel more free to say what we want. And if someone doesn't like it, well...that's on them and not us.
Don't worry, you'll be there some day too, and I'm guessing that you'll actually enjoy the freedom of saying whatever is on your mind, and not having to worry about what others may think.
It's a gift that comes with age, and one that I'm enjoying.