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Sooner, you seem to be trying to "act as if" you are a good daughter, while never having had a "real" mother.

Please stop trying so hard.

Find a therapist or couselor to talk to about this stuff and back off trying to get your mom to be a compliant and model patient
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Sweetsoonergirl: You stated that "when it comes to life and death (like with her stroke), that's when she'll want my help." However, it CANNOT happen if she chooses to be uncooperative and non compliant. SHE cannot expect miracles if she doesn't CARE enough about her physical being to follow the protocol set in place by her medical professionals.
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sweetsooner
youre not neglecting your mum if you let her live how she wants. There’s nothing you can do my love. You’ve done everything you can. And I know it’s really easy for me to type those words as I’m not in your situ but I’m experiencing a very similar one.
sometimes I think we have to accept that no matter what we do, our parents still see us as kids. What do we know? Yesterday I rang my dads doctor as I notice blood in the toilet, confusion and sleeping lots (dad 87;has catheter just done 10 weeks in rehab due to UTI related falls, mum main carer plus me and carers in 4 times a day) I was staying over last night.
doc said he’d ring mum at 330 (she moaned that was another thing to deal with) I was at work. He prescribed antibiotics which had to be taken straight away, district nurse in today to do bloods and urines. Carer came in out dad to bed. I got her after work at 715, mum is getting dad out of bed - with no simmer frame to hand!! - as he wants to go for a Poo…. With a night catheter bag in tow too. He refuses to use the commode which is 1 metre by is bed, instead the thrree of us do the conga for 15 metres to the loo. Put him to bed - he’s 6 foot 3 and I’m talking him through what the therapist told him to do to make getting into bed easier and both of them are laughing at me going ooohhh your so professional ooohhhhh got to do it right. I just stood there thinking WTF. I could be at home with my OH, I’ve worked 12 hours with a 2 hour break during which I bombed over here with clean laundry.
they don’t understand and I don’t know why. They say to me don’t worry about coming over, but we think what happens if we don’t. It is so blooming hard but we have to put boundaries in. My friend went through it with his dad and said he knows the risks if he doesn’t chose to live by them, it’s his life.
stop trying to educate them, I’ve given up with mum and dad. There was no thanks for sorting out the doc and the uti stuff. I’ve given up expecting it, mum told me last night I need to get rid of my anger because I was quiet rather than losing my temper.
we can’t win my lovely. Step back. We are not responsible for their health if they don’t want to be xxxx
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I think you are doing a great job and should be proud of yourself for all you have accomplished in the face of hardships that someone so young should not have to face. Just know that caretaking is not easy or something you necessarily expect to do or want to do no matter what stage of life you are in. BUT, please take care of yourself and your marriage - those two things have to be priority number one. You are too young to miss out on either. Maybe the staff at the AL can provide more hands on help with the CPap just until your Mom is used to it? Maybe they can convince her to try short time periods with it and then remove it so she can build up to using it? Maybe not - in which case she has to understand she is hurting herself. Can they take her to some of the more routine appointments? Do you ever get a chance to just do something fun with her like go to lunch after an appointment? Maybe not if she is a difficult person and just wouldn’t appreciate it. Do what you can and try not to focus on what you can’t. Be as supportive as possible without sacrificing your marriage and your career goals. Try to find a workable balance. Being a nurse is a great calling and you were smart to explore another area of nursing to give yourself a break before you get burned out. I was a teacher and understand sacrifice and burnout. I changed professions after ten years and it was the best thing I ever did. I leveraged my college degree and teaching experience to get something better. Nursing has more avenues to go down than teaching did, so you may find that you don’t need that drastic of a change. Her behavior is not a reflection of you and no sane person should see it that way. If she does have Asbergers, she may not be able to control it either. Get some “me time”, get enough sleep and try to keep your stress in check by whatever works. And, don’t be afraid to back off on the time you devote to her care if you can and if that helps you cope.
Best wishes.
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Your mom will do to you what you allow.
She's not living with you.
CPAP isn't for everyone.
Her noncompliance is a reflection only on her.
Does anyone else find her as you do?
Isn't it time to get your sibling involved?
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Oh boy can I relate! I'm a nurse of 40 years, and the double curse of being a DNP, so my life has been saving my now 90+ yo parents from disease and death. I've saved them from early death so many times! As a nurse we feel as if it's our responsibility and purpose to keep them healthy. Mine are so healthy they have no major illness even at 90....but the emotional support needed, the dementia forgetfulness, the difficulty living alone at senior village makes me crazy that I can't fix anything now. I manage their meds and therapy from 200 Miles away to my own marriages detriment. Driving back and forth trying to be there for them. Last week I even brought them to my home to watch over them and manage their care ... Gaah. What was I thinking. I think I am afraid of people thinking I was neglectful of them if they die on my watch so to speak. That is a typical nurse belief. So my brother finally said, " Patti, they are 90+!! You are not going to be held responsible for them dying..ever! You've done more than any other human could do all these years! "
It was a relief to hear. So I say the same to you. Parents make their own autonomous decision. We just support that... If they die, it's not your fault. Unless you give too much narcotic of course ..but still.. you know what I mean. LOL. We cannot save the world or our parents just because we have the education to do so.
I am desperately trying to let go of all this extra responsibility and angst... But it's so hard for us nurses to allow nature to take it's course without intervention.
Thinking of you and praying for us both!
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