My mother has several health issues, dealing with circulation, diabetes, etc. The result is, she has a lot of difficulty doing everyday tasks. My siblings and I have been helping from a distance, but her issues have worsened. We feel that the best course of action is to move both of our parents into a home with my siblings and myself. We will all work, except my mother, so money shouldn't be an issue. We all understand that it will be hard work, but we'll be together, and we're good at coming together and solving problems as a family.
The biggest issue actually comes from outside of my family. I've been with my girlfriend for about five years now. We originally met in the city here, attending the same college, but she moved for work, while I stayed here for a pretty good job. We've been long distance for two years now, and it is a really great relationship. We've always planned to move in together, and it's what we both want, but she's always been a little pushy about it, trying to set deadlines and always bringing it up. My mother's issues have recently worsened, which is why we are are all purchasing this house together.
It's safe to say that this is worst shape our relationship has been in. She says she understands that I want to help my mother and spend time with her, but her actions speak different. Instead of being supportive she is always asking for timelines that I can't give, or trying to come up with "solutions" that benefit her, but won't work for our family (move somewhere with her, I could send my family money and visit, etc.)
I think her two biggest issues is that she's not my "priority" (I hate when she says that) and that there is no timeline I can give her, which leaves her "aimless". I really dislike when she boils all of this down to "picking my family over her" which is not true at all. I get that it's frustrating that I can't give her a solid timeline, but it's not like I'll know what my mother's condition will be like in the future. I've told her that if she gets better or stays the same, I'd be more open to moving, but obviously if she gets worse that's off the table.
I guess I'm just looking for some advice from a community like this, full of people that have been there, done that, so to speak. I just wish my girlfriend could be more understanding, and I really don't know where to go from here.
You are picking your family over her.
Have you thought about moving your parents into assisted Living? they will get support form staff 24/7 and you and your siblings can support them as needed but you all will not be putting a hold on your lives.
You are going through this now with your mom and, my crystal ball is a little hazy but, I can see you continuing this as your dad declines and he needs more and more help. Are you willing to have your SO wait for 10, 15, 20 years while you care for mom then dad? (I bet she won't wait!)
I do hope the house that you plan on buying is one that is handicap accessible so that both mom and dad will be able to age into it think about the use of wheelchairs, hospital beds, Sit-to-Stand or Hoyer Lift equipment that may be needed. Wide halls, wider doors, no carpet and floors that can withstand a bit of water for a while. And if possible no stairs or at least a large bedroom and accessible bathroom on the first floor.
Oh, you mention in your profile that your mom is 42..if this is accurate you can look at caring for her for 30, 40 or more years.
If 42 is your age...you need to set your priorities and decide what you want..a family and life of your own or to remain with your parents.
Do your g/f a favor and tell her to move on with her life, that you're not ready to commit to her, that you're already committed to moving into a big house with your parents.
Which, by the way, is a huge mistake and something you're likely to regret for the rest of your life once you see what caregiving looks and feels like on a daily basis. And how it wreaks havoc on your entire life and forces it to grind to a halt entirely. But that may be precisely what you're looking for: the inability TO have a real relationship with another person. If so, you're all set.
In What Way is it not true that you are picking your family over her? I don't say you're wrong to choose your family, mind; not at all - you have the good fortune to have a strong family and you stick together. There's nothing wrong with that. But how can you possibly be in any doubt about which is more important to you?
"Obviously" if your mother gets worse than moving with your girlfriend is off the table. Well, fine. Lucky mother. And where exactly does that leave girlfriend?
You and girlfriend have such radically opposing priorities that your relationship does not have an earthly chance. If you were to compromise you'd resent her. If you won't, then as I said the girl would have to be insane to expect any different from you.
Seriously, put this poor outlived relationship out of its misery. You each need someone completely different from what the other actually is.
I have been there, as “the girlfriend”, and it sounds to me, from what you’ve written here, that “picking my family over her” may be a pretty accurate description of what you’re considering.
A committed relationship requires……well, you know, COMMITMENT. What you are describing sounds like all of you sacrificing to take care of someone who is at a relatively young age, accepting her family’s offer to assume her total care.
Many parents would reject your offer. How does your father feel about this whole arrangement? Does your mother make ANY ATTEMPT to manage/improve her health?
You don’t describe whether your mother tolerates her total dependence on her children, or actually enjoys it, and that clearly matters.
My husband of 45 years was the only son of a widow who relished her dependence. After we fell in love, we decided, together, that we were the couple, my MIL would never want for anything, and we would never live too far away from her OR TOO NEAR.
There are many MANY loving caring, generous, supportive ways of navigating your mother’s care besides the one your family has come up with. You’ve made your choice, and your girl friend is expressing hers.
Part friends, if you can.
Or is your primary goal in life to support your parents in their chosen lifestyle?
Is there a strong cultural component to this?
Your girlfirend is correct; if she were my daughter, I would tell her to part company with you. In marriage, the spouse and children MUST come first.
You and your siblings buying a house together so you can all take care of your mom has to be one of the craziest ideas I have ever heard. I'm guessing that none of your siblings have a life, that they're willing to move back in with mom to help care for her.
And I have to say, shame on your mom for even considering such a foolish idea. She should want her children to have their own lives separate from her, in what ever cities/states they choose to live.
YOUR MOTHER IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILTY!!!!!!! If she requires outside help, then it's up to her to hire some folks to come help her, or she can move into an assisted living facility. And if you children want to check on her a couple times a week, that's fine too. But living together all in the same house,---OH HELL NO!!!
You will never have a healthy relationship with a woman, when you put your mommy first. No woman in their right mind will ever tolerate that. So I guess it's up to you, if you want to live a lonely life with your mother, or want to actually live a fulfilling life with the woman you love, and want to start a family with. It's your choice.
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