Please forgive me, I did not realize that this was a forum for caregivers. I myself am not a caregiver but am looking for help regarding an elder who is being denied the medication and services he needs BY his primary caregiver. I'm hoping that someone in this community will have some insight into this situation and might be able to point me in the direction of some real resources that will help.
The elder in question is my girlfriend's father, also my landlord who lives in the house of which my apartment is attached (our living rooms share a common wall). What prompted me to sign up here tonight was an incident that occurred a few hours ago that resulted in me calling the police to check on them. I could hear his wife (my girlfriend's step-mom) yelling at him, threatening to kill him and ultimately, hitting him repeatedly saying things like, "Now I've got you where I want you! You think you're stronger than me?" (slap) My girlfriend has also photographed "mysterious" bruises that no one has explanations for.
At the heart of it, the wife has refused to accept the Alz diagnosis, continuing her search for, "the real problem." In the meantime, his health deteriorates and she responds to the symptoms of his condition with verbal and physical abuse, insisting that he knows what he's doing.
She has demonstrated in the presence of physicians that she doesn't know what medications he takes (and she's the one charged with administering them). The pharmacy once called my girlfriend because the wife had failed to pick up his diabetic insulin for over 3 months! He recently spent time in a local hospital for evaluation which determined that his condition required 24/7 care, either in the home by a nursing professional or in a nursing home. He has gotten NO CARE whatsoever. When the wife discharged him from the hospital without a plan in place for this care, the hospital reported it to Adult Protective Services as a discharge AMA and gave them the details. APS did absolutely NOTHING, as they did when my girlfriend first reported to them about a year earlier, how the wife mistreats him.
I have several times now, heard AND RECORDED through the wall, she's yelling at him, threatening him and now physically abusing him. She has reported the failure to administer meds to his primary care physician. No matter what we do, no one is willing to help. Everyone says, "Report it to APS" which does absolutely nothing except close the case without explanation. The man is clearly suffering and there seems to be no help anywhere! My girlfriend is pursuing getting custody but as of right now, the wife has power of attorney and health care proxy and has all the power over him and his care. Please someone, tell me there is hope, that there's SOMEONE we can go to for help with this! Please!
Thank you for at least taking the time to read this.
Continue to call APS and the Police if you hear anything. Each call documented will help.
And I would make an appointment with an Elder Care Attorney they are well versed in how to proceed in situations like this.
One last thought..Is this Gentleman a Veteran? If so the Va might be able to help out in a variety of ways.
I'm not sure, not at all sure what you'd do about it; but I'm just trying to imagine any comparable assault with similarly clear evidence that the police would feel justified in not acting on. Wouldn't you, trying to be objective about it, expect them at least to interview the alleged assailant?
Have you had a look at your state's/county's guidelines on what you should expect the police to do about given situations?
It was suggested that, the next time my gf has her dad over for the day (something that has always been mutually agreed on by her and crazy lady), she should keep him and/or bring him to the ER to have him checked (his many bruises, check his levels, etc.). Our concern is first with the ER visit, as only "the wife" has the legal right to make medical decisions. In terms of her keeping him, would that constitute kidnapping of a sort? Obviously we don't want to ANYTHING illegal or anything that would put the case she's building in jeopardy. If his wife has legal guardianship, I'm guessing it's cut and dry .. would be considered kidnapping but, if she does NOT .. does that change anything from a legal point of view?
POA - power of attorney would have been *given* by the father before he became incapacitated to whomever he trusted with his financial decisions. CL may have POA/DPOA.
Similarly HCP, for healthcare and welfare decisions.
Guardianship is entirely different. A guardian is appointed by a court to act for a person who is incapacitated and who, for one reason or another, does not have valid powers of attorney in place. Your gf can apply to a court for guardianship of her father.
If CL has guardianship and is abusing it you go back to the court that appointed her and tell them about it. The court retains the power to vary conditions as they see fit in the ward's best interests. Gf can still apply to the court to challenge CL's status and/or seek guardianship herself.
And still .. no solutions offered other than, "Keep doing what you're doing" and, "Try to mend any differences and help her see the need for others to help." (I'd love to know anyone who's tried that with a narc and succeeded but, we do try just the same.) I didn't honestly expect a "solution" from an enforcement officer and we DID accomplish what we set out to which was, to make the PD aware of the situation. He did assure us that for any future calls, they would be sure to check everything and put eyes on her dad, so we call that a success.
She's still looking for a lawyer (that we can afford!). And we are going to make another report to APS, this time from me. Family has now heard the recording and if nothing else, it has produced an emotional response and a greater awareness of the seriousness of all this. Hopefully that will translate into more action. Ugh ...
My girlfriend is meticulous about details - documents everything, knows every little thing. Having a 4 year old daughter with cancer, you tend to pay close attention to everything. Just talking with her now and no, there was no court involved in the incompetent decision. Health care proxy was given under his previous doctor. Apparently, she got that and then immediately changed ALL his doctors to ones that she picked out. I just asked her if there was a way to get it in writing that he is incapacitated but of course, without being on the HIPPA, she cannot. And crazy won't allow it. Who knows what her motives are .. bottom line she is the only one with power to make decisions about his care and she outright refuses to follow what all doctors have said.
I know my gf spoken with someone at the last hospital, they were the ones who made the report to APS. We're also talking about contacting local officials too, as suggested. This is sure to be a busy week!
i know it's expensive but it sounds like you need a good elder care lawyer.
How do you know what his sugar reading is? Diabetics can eat pasta.
Are you sure this woman isn't just playing you; playacting so that you'll get all worked up?
Perhaps gf should contact the Patient Advocate and /or discharge department at the hospital he was last in and discuss these issues. And I'd also contact the local politicos.
In that case you would need to go to court.
Countrymouse - They are both in their 70's, not sure how long they've been married but it's been at least 20 years, maybe closer to 30. (My girlfriend lost her mom when she was a teen to an aneurysm.) And the wife IS nuts! She has all the characteristics and traits of NPD. For the longest time, she held off testing for her husband until she "finished dealing with her taxes." Said, "Once I have the taxes straightened out, then I'll deal with him." Seriously .. priorities are all out of whack.
BarbBrooklyn - Haven't been to the police yet, I had car trouble when getting out of work (3rd shift) but I did spend time with my gf and started making more plans. She talked with crazy lady who told her the cop didn't even come into the house! They just stood at the door and when SHE told the cop that I had heard things through the wall, he just laughed and left .. didn't even SEE him.
First opportunity we have this week is Tuesday morning. We're going to speak directly to the chief of police and see the report on this. Also going to play the tape for him. She is also bringing her documentation and HOPEFULLY someone will open their eyes to what's going on. He also has another appt with his primary this week and my gf is already writing a letter addressing some things and we're going to do the return receipt thing. Is that done with the post office? I'm still a bit unclear how that works - thinking like delivery confirmation? How does that prove the CONTENT of the correspondence?
Thanks for everyone's comments and suggestions. We're open to anything that may help. I must say that overall, I'm absolutely shocked that more people don't seem to know what to do about this. This CAN'T be the first time something like this has happened! If it were a child, everyone and their brother would be all over this but an elder? People just don't seem to care. I understand it's different when you're talking about an adult versus a minor but, who speaks for these people who can't speak for themselves? (By the way, he HAS been declared non compos mentis so technically, he cannot speak for himself regarding APS question regarding an intervention, etc.
So, Massachusetts doesn't have a Baker Act. But I think you can reasonably argue that wife is endangering the life and safety of a vulnerable individual.
How did it work out with the police today?
While she's gone, get dad someplace safe, like the ER and then admission to the hospital. It's a long shot, but if the police won't arrest her after the tapes, you may have to try something like that.
It's just, not to be simplistic, she sounds a bit nuts. Could be she too is in serious need of help?
As his POA its her responsibility that she sees to his heath too.
She's also a major narcissist so for anyone familiar with that, you will understand even more clearly what we're dealing with.
Countrymouse - That's exactly what prompted me to call the police last night,that I not only HEARD it but, RECORDED it as well. I plan to followup by stopping by the police station to let them hear the actual recording.
gladimhere - WAY ahead of you my friend. All I did was boost the volume on a COPY of the recording to make it easier to hear details. The original is still on my phone exactly as recorded with timestamp.
Call the police. Preferably, have a plan for what happens if they arrest her - APS should step in then but he will need support and reassurance from people he knows.
Sadly, if he won't complain, or say he feels scared, they CANT act unless hes been deemed incompetent.
Is your girlfriend aware of how much it costs to get guardianship?
About elected officials, I did just find contact info for the Executive Office of Elder Affairs. APS absolutely has not responded. Or rather, it's a case of, "There's nothing we can do" because he declined their starting an investigation. (Then again, would YOU claim there's abuse happening with the abuser standing right next to you?)
Ubless shes fir a signed HIPAA form from dad, doctor can't share any information with her. Maybe doc HAS called APS. Return receipt proves that shes reported abuse to doc.
She needs to start a paper trail that she has tried to protect her father. Doc will be liable if her concerns aren't reported to aps.
Are neighbors concerned?
If you feel APS is not responding, call local elected officials. They have staff who can help out with elder concerns.
I've cleaned up the recording from last night .. amplified to make it easier to hear. Thinking of heading to the police station to followup the call and let them hear what I heard.
Notifying the physician by letter with a receipt will force action.
I'd keep calling the police.
I will speak to my girlfriend about Area Agency on Aging but she HAS been in contact with the Alzheimer's Association. Also, she and her dad share the same physician and she HAS spoken with her on multiple occasions to no avail. It's my understanding that if a physician even SUSPECTS some level of abuse, they are MANDATED to report it. (?) So far, nothing.
She is currently in the process of finding a lawyer; only started this week as things have been deteriorating rather rapidly.
Call your local Area Agency on Aging and discuss this problem with them and how to proceed. I'd also call the local chapter of the Alzheimer's Association and talk to them.
Have your girlfriend sent a short, bulleted list of these problems to the physician, return receipt requested. Has she retained an attorney for guardianship? I would cc the lawyer ( or any lawyer) on the letter.