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My sister always run off the caregivers. They hired a caregiver after I left. I left because I was being bullied by my family and grandmother. She was racist, slave driven me and tried to set me up for false elder abuse. My family would not help me and always think of extra things for me to do. I was lucky to get three hours of sleep. They wouldn’t help me but called me lazy when I said I was tired. Anyways my sister got two caregivers in the past fired by manipulating my grandmother to turn against them. She said she wanted to be caregiver and now my mom has to relieve her two days a week and my sister makes it to where she has to do the cleaning and hard work. My grandmother idolizes my sister and my mom always gets her hate. My mom has been to the hospital twice. I was able to find a caregiver to relieve with assistance from a program that goes five hours a day five times a week. My mom loves it and enjoys the break. The issue is my sister is back at her old games trying to convince my grandmother to deny the caregiver, bully the caregiver and come at a time when it would not benefit my mom. My grandmother is purposely being cruel to my mom and overworking her. I truly think my grandmother is killing my mom and taking away her quality of life and would probably outlive my mom. I can’t relieve her because I have so much anger for the whole family how I was treated and it has traumatized me. I have nightmares I get panic attacks, rages and break down at the cruelty of humanity because my work was treating me so badly at that time and my nice grandmother died and work had the gall to tell me that she died at an inconvenient time because the store will be busy.

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"they are taking her life"

Arp, your Mom has to be the one to change this for herself.

What does your Mom want to do? Listen to her. Maybe there are other ways you can support her.

"I was so proud of her she stood up to them twice since then as she told me yesterday and my mom needs the caregiver more so my mom so she doesn’t hurt herself picking her up".

Talk with Mom about what options she has if G'Ma falls.

I used to be like like... I thought 'I had to help to get the person up'. (Assisting a big person, with poor mobility - just crazy! All it did was risk injury to both of us, everytime. For what?)

So I changed the script slightly;

I might still think 'I have to help to get the person up' BUT I added 'I can't physically do it myself. I can call for help instead'.

Does that make sense?

If G'ma is on the floor. G'ma stays on the floor until people arrive that are strong enough to lift her without injury to her or themselves.
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My worry is that I don’t want my mom to die. I really don’t want it and I am starting to hate my own grandmother because she is killing her own daughter and I feel like she is getting joy from slave driving her. My mom has a life ahead of her and my grandmother already lived hers. I know I should stay out of it and I have been good at it but just looking at my mom breaks my heart and tears are rolling down my face because they are taking her life. I just want to prevent her death. We had this caregiver for a month and they all loved her until last week after my mom went to the hospital. They didn’t have a problem with the caregiver until the day after my mom went to the hospital. They almost ran off the caregiver but I was so proud of her she stood up to them twice since then as she told me yesterday and my mom needs the caregiver more so my mom so she doesn’t hurt herself picking her up.

it breaks my heart and I feel so bad for not being able to stay her two days but it triggers me so much that I am shaking, dizzy and feel like I can’t breathe.

I am sorry I want to stay out of it so badly but I don’t want my mom to die. I told my mom that she will get her five hours a day off even if there is no caregiver and she could go to a nursing home if she won’t accept it
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Your mom is a grown adult. If she chooses to allow her mother and your sister to treat her like a doormat and walk all over her, there's nothing you can do.
If I were you I would not get involved in your mother-grandmother-sister triangle. Don't take anyone's side either. Just stay far out of it because you'll get pulled into the caregiving role too.
I know you feel absolutely terrible and angry because of how your grandmother and sister treat your mom, but there's nothing you can do about it. Your mother is the one who has to put her foot down or continue to put up with their abuse. It's her choice.
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Beatty May 2021
Hear hear 👏

The G'Ma, Mom, Sis triangle. Drama triangle right there: persucutor, rescuer, victim all pushing each other into the next corner.

One wise poster said, "when the drama starts, get off the stage". H311, leave the whole theatre, just disengage from ALL of that.

Otherwise it's a case of keeping your arm in the beehive while complaining you keep being stung 🐝🐝🐝
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I realize that you feel badly for your mom, which is understandable, but why is mom tolerating your grandmother’s behavior?

Why does your sister not want caregivers around?
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You need to remove yourself entirely from this situation. If your mom is willing to put up with this nonsense then that is on her, not you. Your mom is a grown woman, and can decide for herself if she wants to continue being abused. Hopefully she will get smart like you did, and just walk away. But until she does, you need to stay out of it, and let your sister and mom work this out.
Your sister seems to want to be the in control of everything, so the best thing your mom could do is cut her losses, and let your sister and grandmother have to figure things out on their own.
I'm guessing that once your grandmother no longer has your mom to abuse, her abuse will turn on your sister, so be thankful you've stepped away.
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Exactly, this is your mom's problem. If anything, try and get your mom out of that situation. If she refuses then she has to live with the consequences. You can change others you can only change how you react. Sometimes there really is nothing you can do.
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Why do you need to concern yourself with this?
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