I have a huge mess of a problem that began when my parents broke an oral contract they made with me to pay me to take care of them at home. I sold my belongings and left my jobs behind so I could move in to be their full time caretaker, but they did not honor their side of the oral contract. Now my mother’s dementia has progressed and she has violent outbursts, which today culminated in her yelling that she wanted me to leave. Frankly, I’m scared. If this trend continues, she will have me kicked out of my now-home with nowhere to go and no immediate income to take care of myself—all while making outrageous and baseless claims that I am mistreating her (a claim my mother has started loudly making on occasion whenever she doesn’t like a situation, unaware of the gravity or repercussions that may have for all of us). I feel like I need to protect myself before this all hits the fan. Anyone know what I can do?
OK, you put your whole life on hold for 2 people who obviously don't care and are abusive to boot.
Make a list:
Get a job.
QUIT putting up with their crap. If it means staying somewhere else--do you have somewhere else to go?
Learn to not instigate fights---they are completely pointless. Learn to walk out. Keep a small overnight bag handy for just such an occasion.
Walk out and stay out.
Yes, you will probably have to go 'legal' on them and that is sad and will not result in anyone turning cartwheels for joy.
I recently 'divorced' my MIL (9 months ago) and it has been HARD on my DH, he keeps begging me to come back with him to see his mom. I will not, ever again. Yes, the family thinks I'm being a total princess, but I'm done with her. Recently. DH got an earful from his mom about ME, expecting him to side with her--she really wants us to divorce, after 45 years, that ain't happening.
People who abuse the CG's in their lives are shooting themselves in the foot.
Dh is supportive of his sis, who is an angel---but he can't actually be in the same room as MIL, she has totally ruined that relationship. He is struggling with guilt, but holding firm to his decision to step out.
I warn over and over again on Forum, that leaving a job, moving in with your parent, and doing caregiving will leave you eventually and in one way or another jobless and homeless with no work history.
There is absolutely nothing you can do but move, get your own place (hopefully at some point you WERE paid and you did save money) and get a job and a life; your father will be left in care of his wife, and can proceed as he sees fit.
In future know that oral contracts are not enough. Especially in the case of adult parents it can come to look like abuse, your taking their money. Income must be carefully documented and reported to the IRS so that if the parent in future needs care, as is going to be the case for your Mom, they can get medicaid without being stopped by having "gifted" money to one of their children (how this would be seen without a care contract and your reporting your income to the IRS).
It is an unhappy circumstance for you, but a lesson for others. Time to leave the nest again, and the way this is proceeding sounds as though you are the lucky one to have that choice. Wishing you good luck. If you find another way hope you will let us know what that might be.
What was your side of the oral contract? The reason I ask is so that we have some idea of what your parents' care needs are.
It would also be helpful if you could share a rough, approximate (i.e. non-identifiable) description of where, what sort of place you're all living in. Rural or town? What state? Then perhaps we can help you find practical options.
Alternatively, perhaps the best option is to quit while you’re ahead, leave them and go back to where you were before. You will have lost a lot, but it could get even worse.
More information would help. Are there any other family members involved? Is it possible for you to go back to where you were? Is this totally new behavior from your mother/ parents, or is it more of the same old same old only worse? Where is your father at – worse than mother or better? Can he stand up for you?
If this is really dangerous for you, legally or financially, you need to get out of it as soon as you can.
I hope you realize by now that it was the wrong move to quit your job and move in with your parents. You need to NOT rely on them for food and shelter. It's a recipe for disaster. That's the first thing.
Second, find a job and move out.
Third, call the local Area Agency for Aging to ask for help for your parents.
I wish you would provide some more info, like what state you're in, how old your parents are and whether they have been diagnosed with dementia (and any other physical/medical/health issues. If you do not have durable PoA for them it will become increasingly difficult to legally care for them. If you need help in caring form the you can contact social services to see if they qualify for any in-home help from the county. Eventually the county will get guardianship of them if you don't have PoA. The county takes over all their care, will move them into a facility and will take over all their assets.
With no written contract I don't know if you have any legal recourse to recoup funds. Do you have anything they wrote to you, in a text or email, that references the arrangement? Do you have any siblings or relatives who might have heard this being discussed? If so I'd take any evidence to an attorney. This of course means you will be suing them for the promised compensation and you will need to couch camp at a friend's home until you're reestablished. I wish you success.