My mom (73) has been widowed for 3 years now. Earlier this year she had a small stroke and stayed in the hospital for a few weeks (I stayed with her). She lives 2 hours away and I have a very demanding job and very young family & husband (kids 9&11). We managed to bring her to the city I live in and to live in our home for a few months to do out patient rehab and she had an excellent recovery and was able to go back home and drive etc. The issue is now she’s very lonely and bored. Prior to the stoke she was working/volunteering and now she does feel like she can. When she visits she stays with me for weeks at a time and watches a lot of Netflix on my couch. We are an active family and she does not want to participate in any of the activities not even walking around the block(says she’s allergic to exercise). She does not enjoy reading or puzzles all things I’m trying to suggest to keep her busy she’s basically on her phone Al day watching garbage. I’ve taken so much time off work to take her to her follow up appointments and also out to lunch shopping etc. I cannot continue like this. I need some help now that she’s recovered to set some boundaries. When she visits it’s almost as though she expects my husband and I to sit and watch tv with her and that’s not happening. She’s constantly asking where my husband is in the house! I would like her to move closer but on the other hand cannot be her sole source of entertainment she needs to find what makes her happy. Honestly she’s not a very happy person (probably never been) and has anxiety and constantly worried about me and my kids (“did you see that plane strike/heat wave you shouldn’t travel there etc”.) it’s all so suffocating :(
im looking for a book I can read or some recommendations on how I can set time boundaries on visits without hurting her. She took care of her mom and mother in law as a full time job and tells me about so and so’s son or daughter that visit every weekend so I know she won’t like what I have to say she thinks it’s my job. I also have a brother in same city as me he’s helpful for appointments etc but not the primary caregiver. Ie she spent 8-10 days here with me and had 1 lunch with her during that time
You have to just do it. No beating around the bush or trying to explain in a roundabout way. Speak plainly to your mother and to the point.
Then offer to help set her up with some homemaker/companion service where she lives. Or for now suggest a live-in companion so she won't be alone and talk about her moving to a senior community. These places are not AL facilities but they do offer some services and socialization activity.
My father lived in a really nice one. He was still fully independent, drove a nice car, and did his own thing. The senior community he lived in sponsored nice dinners twice a month (that you had to sign up and pay for), music in the community room, movie nights, different day trips to sign up (and pay for) for, and a computer lab for the senior who were interested in learning how to use a computer. Many of the people living there had homemaker/companion aides that took them to appointments, cleaned their places, and did the laundry.
Your mom might like a place like this. Take her to look at a few.
Are you her DPoA? If not, is anyone? If not, it isn't too late to get her to an attorney too get this done. I made this a condition of caring for my Mom, who lives next door to me. Also, getting her hearing tested and using her hearing aids was another condition.
The fact that your Mom seems oblivious to the burden she puts on you may indicate cognitive impairment. Those with impairment/decline lose their abilities of reason and logic and therefore judgment; they become less able to sympathize/empathize with others; they lose their sense of time and then space, and sometimes cannot process sensations correctly (like pain); they lose their short-term memory first, then the rest. They can become delusional.
If you are her PoA I would read your doc to see when the PoA authority becomes enabled. The caregiving arrangment needs to work for both her and you or it isn't working. You may need to create an arrangement that she may not like, but achieves the goals of keeping her safe and as healthy as possible. If she has cognitive impairment, she won't be someone you can reason with anymore. You may want to consider in-home companion aids for her (tell her the aids are to give YOU peace of mind, the aids are for YOUR benefit -- but she has to pay for them) or she transitions into a good senior facility near your. She needs more help, give her 2 options and then move forward with it so your life and marriage and family and job aren't compromised. If you fall apart, where will that leave her? This argument may have a motivating impact on her. I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart on this journey.
It’s been awhile since I read it but I still recall sections of it like “A Day Without Boundaries” (a woman who has a needy mom, among other challenges!) and the Good Samaritan story told as if the Samaritan didn’t have boundaries.
I think the authors have done a lot of media over the years so besides the book I’m sure there are podcast or YouTube interviews you could watch instead of reading as you seem to be quite busy. 😉
Best wishes to you with this challenging situation.
It sounds to me as though your mom's stroke affected her thinking and reasoning skills. It may also have caused some changes in brain chemistry that resulted in depression.
I think a comprehensive neuropsych evaluation and consultation with a Geriatric Psychiatrist would be a good place to start.
Forget that goal. That's not achievable.
You can be gentle, be polite, be diplomatic, be loving, etc., but you still must be clear, be truthful, and be firm with your boundaries. She will be hurt no matter what. That's on HER to deal with. Don't let the fear of hurting her stop you from protecting yourself.
Who is POA/HCPOA for your mother? Is your nearby brother your only sibling?
Think long and hard about just what you are willing to do for your mother. Is it a visit once a week? Is it a daily phone call? (These are just examples.) If she lives 2 hours away, how does she manage her daily life?
Consult with your brother. Just how much help is he willing to give? How often does he see her? What does he do for her? How about planning between the two of you to determine just how much help both of you together are willing to give your mother?
And then the two of you meet with your mother together and tell her your boundaries.
How does this sound?
You are one step ahead of the game because recognize that it wouldn’t be a good idea for you to be your mom’s full time caregiver.
Just because your mother took care of your grandmother and her MIL doesn’t mean that you have to follow along and do what she did. You aren’t her clone.
I’m glad that you are going to have a conversation with her to set some boundaries.
Maybe she is bored and lonely. Would she go to a senior community center? They have all sorts of activities and some senior centers take field trips to interesting places.
Would she be interested in living in a 55 plus community where she can meet people her own age and join them for social activities?
You mentioned she's not hugely active when at your place.. happy to watch tv... but does she help cook or other household chores? Get involved in the daily routine?
Being a stroke survivor can vary so much. Having the use of both arms, legs, clear speech & swallowing can look like 100% recovery. It's can be harder to see brain fatigue (aka brain fog). If initiative, attention, judgement or motivation is effected.
There is a mismatch if Need vs Able to Give - this will take boundaries. You are right!
Be back soon..
"I am hearing you NEED a b c d e f g.
I can GIVE a b c.
I love you but am just ONE person.
I am a busy Mom myself, with my own children, job, husband & own household to run.
So let's think about the best way for you to get the help you need.
I can help PLUS obtain a companion / caregiver / housecleaner to help you around your home.
Or maybe move to a retirement village. So you have more activities & meet more people.
I was warned this chat can take SIX times to even START to sink in. Yep. (It can take MUCH more..)
What responses do you get?
Empathy for your needs?
Reluctance.. but understanding?
Pressure? Anger?
Or denial & dismissed? A frown or swat away of the hand?
Don't invite Mom let her ask to come. Then you tell her that because you work, you cannot be her entertainment. Life will go on as normal for you and your family. She can join in but if not, she will be left on her own because there I things that need to be done for the kids. I would also tell her she won't know if getting back into her previous activities unless she tries. Just learn to pace herself. Its better that she keep as active as possible.
I would also find out if Senior bussing is offered in her County. She can use the bus for appts and shopping.
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